The Fluffy Tiger, or, Final Destination

We all knew it was going to happen, hell, some of us (Mrs. Watson) have wished for it to happen for some time now. But still, seeing the Kent of Kingsley wearing Richmond Football Club paraphernalia and sitting alongside that smug prick Terry Wallace had a slightly surreal feel to it. It seemed more likely that they were both out of a football job and were announcing a charity fun run as part of their new role as spokespersons for Pura Milk; a very specific surreal feel to it, yes, but still surreal.

Still, it seems the Richmond faithful are not as stupid as they smell, as they allegedly bombarded talkback radio and internet chat rooms (although no word here, Ray) voicing their disgust with the Kingsley signing. All I can say is, it’s early days yet, and once we get a bit closer to the winter, and they see Kent prancing around the forward pocket, chest puffed out, casually missing goals and then refusing to chase, well, its gonna be hard for them to tell him and Richo apart. Richmond fans, enjoy the latest Fluffy Tiger.

Richmond fans aren’t the only ones going public with their disgust, however. Brendan Fevola’s in-laws have apparently released a copy of a voicemail message left for him by teenage swimsuit model Lara Bingle, which they claim confirms the two had an affair. (It’s alright, I’ll wait while you Google her. Go on, I don’t mind.) It hasn’t been the best of summers for Fev, what, with the Chris Johnson impression he pulled on that Irish Bartender, and now his marriage is breaking up. Good call by the Carlton board not to take a chance on Ty Zantuck; with the form Fevola’s in those two would have been fighting, fucking or pissing on someone in no time. In Hindsight, probably a good call by the Blues not to give Fev the captaincy.

News out of Geelong is that shortly after being re-drafted by the Cats, Tom “Final Destination” Lonergan was involved in a nasty car accident in which he was shunted into on-coming traffic and was lucky to live. Maybe you should take it easy for a while there, Champ, have a good lie down.

Also drafted by the Cats was 22 year old ex-Essendon tease Joel Reynolds. The story we’re being spun is that he’s had injury after injury and never had a chance to find his feet. We’ll see, but worth a punt, I’d reckon. By the way, Mrs. Watson has promised he’ll be back better and bitterer than ever once the season starts. That's all for now folks.

Symonds is back, or, I told ya so

Andrew Symonds is back in the test team and I, for one, couldn’t be more excited. You see, I’ve been Andrew Symonds fan and apologist for years. Long before he was in any Aussie side I used to tell anyone who’d listen about this Queenslander who should be in the one-day team, and about how, once he found his feet, there wouldn’t be a better one-day player in the world.

I’d tell them about his unbelievable batting power and ability to dismantle an attack, and about the time he hit something like sixteen 6’s in an English county game. I’d say how he comes down the track to spinners and puts em back over the head, where all batsmen should put them. I’d venture that there wasn’t a ground big enough to contain him and that he’d shatter all strike rate records in world one-day cricket. He’s the next Viv Richards, I’d say, only better.

I’d go to explain he was without doubt the best fielder in the world, about how he’s worth 30 runs in the field, how he’ll catch anything and hit the stumps from anywhere. I’d explain how during an Australia A game, a ball was rolling towards the fence, and Symonds, after giving a team-mate a 15 meter head start, sprinted past him, dived headlong for the ball, saved the boundary and cannoned the ball back over the stumps, some 65 meters away. The batsman was run-out coming back for the 3rd. Unbelievable.

Then, just when I was winning them over, I’d tell them he bowls too. Yep, nice medium pacers, and later, his off-spinners. And not just spearing them in at the legs like Darren Lehman, or rolling his arm over like Damien Martyn, he actually understands flight and variation, and has a great faster ball when bowling his offies. He’s got it all, I’d say.

I’d tell all these stories and sit back, hoping I’d convinced another punter, and hoping the selectors would finally be convinced. Then all the people I’d told could see I was right. Had always been right. But it didn’t come that easy for either of us.

Roy was given his chance in the one-day team but after a series of inconsistent performances and seemingly rash judgement he still had many detractors. Then came the World Cup.

As it happened, I was waiting for a mate to finish work and thought I’d wet the whistle at the Keeper’s Arms, beautifully positioned a mere 30 seconds walk from my mates place in North Melbourne. The game was on, and the Aussies were in trouble against Pakistan. 4 down for fuck all, and in strolls Symmo, lips covered in zinc.

My adopted friends at the bar, (having bonded over beer and being Australian), were sceptical. Don’t worry, I said, Symonds is a gun. And I laid it on thick, reverting back to my familiar spiel, no doubt made more impassioned by the presence of the 6 schooners in my belly. And after each boundary he smashed to the fence I’d look over at them and raise my glass, summoning my best ‘told ya so’ look.

He ended up with 140-odd that innings, striking it at better than 100. My mate eventually turned up (he knew where I’d be) and the Aussies eventually went on to win the match and the World Cup. History viewed with an ice-cold draught from a back-packers pub in Queensbury St. Not bad, not bad at all.

Afterwards I remember thinking. ‘this’ll make him, no looking back for Symonds now.’ And it seems I was right, to a degree. Turns out the only person that needed convincing of his greatness was Symonds himself. Go out and make a hundred, Roy, and tell 'em I told ya so.

Flashback to '98, or, the best police line-up you've ever seen



After an ugly public battle the Labour party has a new leader, after a bloodless military coup Fiji has disposed its Prime Minister and after some gutless batting and a bad case of Warneyitis England crap the bed against Australia in the Ashes. What is this, 1998? What’s next, a completely unwarranted addition to the Rocky film series? Oh, wait…

There’s probably not too many adjectives left to describe the Aussies victory, but I’ll go with the understated, improbable. To quickly recap, going into day five, the Aussies needed to take 9 English wickets and then chase down whatever score the tourists made, plus the 50-odd runs they were already behind by, all on a pitch that had already yielded more than 1000 runs and that had seen the worlds two best bowlers return figures of about 2/250 between them. As I said, improbable.

But not impossible. You can never write the Australians off, can you? In the rare situations were they look in terrible shape they are able to keep coming, keep fighting and inevitably pull off the improbable. And at this, S.K. Warne has no peer.

He’s also a pretty good sledger, and seems to have the knack for combining idiotic schoolboy taunts with surprisingly insightful psychology:
• To Ian Bell, Warne said, “You don’t like being called ‘The Sherminator’, do you?” This is not only a pretty amusing and accurate look-a-like, but it also implies they’re going to keep going with it and almost forces the batsman to verbally engage Warne.
• To Geraint Jones, Warne asked if his Dad was coming out to help him bat after Jones’ father had publicly defended his son’s wicket-keeping ability in response to a previous Warne criticism.
• Trying to fire up Glenn McGrath to take the last English wicket, Warne, from first slip, reminded him of what they had waiting in the dressing rooms, and also let the tail-end batsmen know that Warne didn’t think they’d be there long; “C’mon McGrath, ham & pineapple Pigeon, ham & pineapple…”

And that is the beauty of Warne; he’s part naive schoolkid, part despicable lout, part admirable gamesman and part unrelenting sporting genius. He is recognisable and relatable on several levels. He’s also the best bowler the sport has ever seen. I will not doubt the Aussies again.

Some other observations:

England's loss, as some parts of the media have claimed, was not a result of Flintoff’s 1st innings declaration. They had batted for the best part of 2 days, got a huge score and sent the Aussies in at the end of day 2 a demoralised and tired outfit. They got early breakthroughs that night and seemed to have stranglehold on the match. Well, that is until they wrapped both hands around their own throats. No, the problem was that England’s batting was too negative in the second innings. If they had made as little as 50 more runs the Aussies would have be required to score at a run a ball. As it was, they had the underwhelming task of only 4.5 an over. There’s nothing like scoreboard pressure.

Ashley Giles is England’s best spinner? Really? We’re sure about this? What is there, 25, 30 million people over there, and the best they can come up with is a left arm finger spinner who doesn’t turn the ball, doesn’t land it consistently, doesn’t keep the runs down and does it all in the ugliest pair of sunglasses you’ve ever seen? No wonder Pieterson left South Africa.

I understand all the hysteria surrounding Ricky Ponting at the moment, I really do, but calling him the best since Bradman is going a bit far, I mean, I wouldn’t even call him the best batsmen of my generation. That honour goes to Brian Lara, who, despite the unfortunate name, looked absolutely unstoppable during his peak. You just couldn’t bowl anywhere to him. And there’s no way, when at his peak, that Lara would fall to Matthew Hoggard with the 2nd new ball when he’s on 142 like Ponting did. No frickin’ way.

With the Michael Clarke v Shane Watson debate seemingly settled for now, the pressure shifts squarely on to Damien Martyn. Mike Hussey was impressive again, and was moved up the order to no. 4 ahead of Martyn. The selectors seem hell bent on including an all-rounder in the Test team and although Watson is injured at the moment, and undeserving, I think we’ll see him in the team for one of the 4th or 5th ‘dead rubber’ tests. Geez, how long til footy season starts?