A Lecture, or, At Least It Wasn't Doug Bollinger

I thought we’d been through all of this already. I thought we agreed that stability was a good thing, that wholesale, short-term changes never really work. I didn’t think I’d have to explain that Glenn Maxwell batting at 3 in a Test match isn’t a great idea. I thought that was kind of a given.

We’d just beaten South Africa. And before that England. And it was largely the same team for both series. It was the first time we’d had some continuity since Punter left. Hell, maybe since before that. Why did you change so much?

Yes, Pakistan, defeated us comfortably in that first Test in the UAE, but it was probably always going to happen that way. That pitch was a pork shoulder; low and slow. And we don’t play spin very well. We don’t bowl spin very well.

But that doesn’t mean you should continue to fiddle with things, like a man constantly trying to even up his sideburns, trimming until there’s nothing left. It was one game. Leave the same team in. Let them learn from the conditions. Give them a chance to adapt and adjust and improve.

Take Alex Doolan; didn’t he make a hundred in the tour match, just prior to that Test? Why would you drop him after one bad game? What kind of message do you think this sends him? How much of top-level sports is physical ability and how much is confidence? Don’t answer right away. I want you to really think about this.

And you dropped him for Glenn Maxwell, of all people. Look, I like Maxwell, really, I do. I see some real Andrew Symonds-type potential with him. And maybe like Symonds he’ll come of age during the World Cup. But at this stage he’s a limited overs player only. He needs to find his feet in the 50-over game, let alone the 5 day events.

And on top of that you already have Mitchell Marsh in the mix! I get it, I do. I love all-rounders as much as you do, probably more. And in short form cricket multiple all-rounders can almost cover each other’s deficiencies. But in Test cricket an all-rounder must hold their place as a specialist; anything after that is a bonus. We’ve discussed this before.

Wait… Did you mean to call Shaun and accidentally got Mitch? You can’t let a potentially awkward phone call get in the way of national team priorities.

Anyway, if we’re going to run with Mitch Marsh as the test no 6, can we put Shane Watson out of our misery now? How has he continued to survive? Who does he have compromising photos of? Let him captain the T20 team or something. But he can’t bat in the top 4 anymore, he just can’t. Shaun Marsh is perfectly capable of making stylish 30s in Watson’s place. Except he occasionally turns them into 100s. Which, you know, Watson doesn’t do. And that’s kinda his job.

Now, I know there are some injury issues to deal with, especially with the fast bowlers, but again, I feel like we’ve been through this. First, you were finished with Peter Siddle. You said he was slow and not taking enough wickets and we were happy enough to go along with your reasoning. Until you brought him back. And he looked slow. And didn’t take enough wickets. Then you dropped him again, only you did it for the one test match where Ryan Harris was out injured! And for Mitchell Starc!

And I know Starc looks the part, and I know you have a thing for lefties, but, as you’ll learn when you get older, sometimes you have to look past someone’s appearance and go for substance. He’s not a Test bowler right now. Maybe he will be, some day. But right now he isn’t.

And I know Pattinson and Cummins are unavailable, and I know there’s nothing sexy about reliability and consistency, but do you still have Jackson Bird’s number? Shall I chase it up for you? Hitting a length and getting some bounce seemed to work out alright for that Hazlewood kid.

So, are you clear on what you need to do? Because I feel like you’re not learning anything here. Ok, ok. You have gotten some things right, I’ll give you that. Good call with Steve Smith, by the way. And you’re right, we still have the second innings in Brisbane to go. But I’m watching. And I don’t want to have this conversation again. What? Who is that ringing? Who? Doug Bollinger? Don’t answer it.

Vale Phillip Hughes

I had a longer piece half-written about the comforting certainty of sport within an uncertain universe, but it seemed overwrought. Instead I'll just say that what happened to Hughes (and Sean Abbott) was a tragedy that is still hard to comprehend. Watching cricket this summer will be rough.