Season Preview: Part I, or, Silverside and Stalkers



Wading through the waist-deep, Werribee-type, stench of pre-season sludge, one thing has become completely apparent; I just want to watch the games. I have no interest in club politics, apparent drug usage, completely arbitrary rule changes (actually, this does shit me; just fuck off already, Kevin Bartlett and Jeff Gieschen) or the annual Mark Webber-type stories about how everyone is “really looking forward to a big year”. The pre-season comp is a joke, the Melbourne media is doing an embarrassing impersonation of journalism and the Australian cricket team is collapsing faster than Tim Riggins’ post-Friday Night Lights career. What I like about football is football; start the friggin’ season already.

So, in that spirit, Mrs Watson has kindly agreed to join me (he insisted he could only contribute one sentence per team) to preview Season 2013.

The Terry Wallace Memorial “5-Year Plan” Division

Port Adelaide
Ken Hinkley has joined the growing list of coaches groomed in Geelong and, despite likely winning the job by default, and probably having more talent at his disposal when he was coaching Camperdown, following Matthew Primus as coach is likely dating Chris Brown for the second time – you’re so used to ugly beatings that you begin to appreciate the lighter beatings. The only points of interest with this team are as follows; seeing what Geelong missed out on with Travis Boak; comparing Port Power attendance with Cairns Taipans attendance; and seeing if Ken Hinkley is capable of pulling a Malcolm Blight-level “rat’s tossbag” rant at a press conference after the team’s ninth consecutive 50 point loss.

Mrs Watson’s take: More interesting than the team itself is Matthew Primus’ spectacularly swift decline from AFL head coach to Grovedale Tigers second string ruckman.

Greater Western Sydney
I get the feeling, based on very little, that GWS are better placed than Gold Coast was at a similar stage. I don’t know, maybe it’s the presence of Jonathon Patton, or maybe it’s the absence of Jared Brennan. Wait, is Kevin Sheedy still the coach? Are they just wheeling him out, Weekend at Bernie’s style, in a purely cosmetic/ambassadorial role? Is Choco Williams actually pulling the strings? Am I asking a series of rhetorical questions because I’ve already named the only GWS player I know? Look, my brain filled up a long time ago; I don’t have room for two new AFL teams, I’m busy holding onto Latrell Sprewell stats from 1994.

Mrs Watson’s single sentence: I can answer only one of those questions; Choco Williams doesn’t coach at GWS anymore.

Western Bulldogs
Another Geelong product helming another leaking boat, only this one is in more need of a power forward than the Run-TMC Warriors. This is a team with a serious generation gap; Murphy, Giasiracusa, Boyd and Cross are all at the business end, and outside of Ryan Griffen, (who finally moved from “overrated” to “rated”) no-one from the next crop has really stepped up. I think it says a lot for this team that my Dad still refers to them as Footscray, mainly that they’re largely irrelevant. Of course, my Dad also once referred to Shaq as “Shag” O’Neill, so who friggin’ knows?

That’s right, a single, solitary sentence from Mrs Watson: Shaq/Shag, I guess it depends which font you use, but either way, Bulldogs are shite in any typeface.

The Jason Statham “Here we go again” Division

Melbourne
What’s happened here? The amount of draft picks and funding drives and calls to arms and Garry-Lyon’s-looking-straight-down-the-barrel-imploring type things that have gone on at this club has all apparently amounted to zero. Scully left, Trengrove stalled, Stynes died and Lyon has does everything short of actually washing his hands live on Footy Classified. Jack Viney is the latest hope, courtesy of another shady deal where his Dad was employed by the club just prior to the draft and just after making some noise about Jack not necessarily playing for Melbourne as all had assumed. But the good news is that Shannon Byrnes now appears to be their best player.

Let’s see if he can muster another one: While trying to come up with a Liam Jurrah joke, I did some research online and discovered that Liam’s cousin’s name is Basil.

St Kilda
Everyone recognisable player is a year older (Hayes, Milne, Dal Santo, Montagna, Riewoldt, Fisher), none of the next generation appear to be even B-grade talent, their most exciting new players are VFL forward pockets and Scott Watters looks like the science teacher who got left in charge of the school play. Plus, arguably their best two players of the past two years are gone; Goddard to Essendon and Jason Gram was sacked after facing stalking charges (rape and underage sex is ok at St Kilda, just not stalking). So what am I missing? Why would they be any better? Why wouldn’t they be 3-4 goals worse?

This should be interesting: Who the fuck is Scott Watters?

Brisbane
I thoroughly enjoyed Brisbane’s NAB Cup win, if only because Carlton and their cast of ridiculous haircuts lost and Mrs Watson and I watched from the perfect bar perch accompanied by several Melbourne Bitters and some top-shelf corned beef. But as Geelong learnt beautifully in 2006, and Mrs Watson eerily predicted (roughly the last time he contributed to this blog) one shouldn’t be fooled by pre-season form. And once Jon Brown goes down with his annual disfiguring facial injury The Lions will come apart faster than my $15 Thailand knock-off jeans.

Let’s see what he’s got to say for himself: Seriously...the corned beef at The Rose Hotel in Fitzroy is a 10/10.

(Part II coming next week)