The Running Diary
What better way to kick off the 2011 season than with everyone’s favourite ripped off idea, a running diary of Geelong v St Kilda!
Pre-game
8:25pm Here we are, live from The Captain’s Lodge, with 6 Otway Ales, captain’s table crackers (appropriate), chunky roasted pepper dip and a last minute inclusion, a Mersey Valley cheese wheel! Good times!
8:27 Well, when I said live I should have pointed out that I’m actually watching on an hour delay while Channel airs Better Homes and Gardens and On the Buses. Really? That’s what’s happening in 2011? With three channels of programming to choose from we still have to wait for a British comedy that’s so old it’s showing in black & white? They’re taking the piss at this point. This is not only unacceptable it’s completely fucking insulting. The AFL cannot allow this to happen; either air it live or give it back to Channel 9. Thank you, everybody.
8:30 Here we go… Dark screen… Atmospheric music… I’m sensing deep voice man… No! That’s Tom Harley! What’s he doing? His voice is way too high for this!
8:33 Take note of the “Channel 7 mega wall”, a split screen that shows up to eight different cameras: Take note, because we won’t see it again for the rest of the night.
(Note: From here on in I’ll use the game clock to signify time.)
1st Quarter:
19:50 Mooney takes an easy grab within a minute, 35m out, direct in front. Why is Zac Dawson still employed… Oh wait… Mooney kicks it on the full. Maybe it was a ploy.
18:51 Dal santo misses on the run as I fumble and ultimately miss a chance at a “small dick” joke.
18:18 Stokes kicks into a defender right in front of him when he had a man open in the goal square. I don’t like his effort, or lack thereof, and I wonder how long he will remain in the team under Scott. I hope he’s matched up on Gram at some stage. Actually, I take that back. It would only lead to some pre-cooked, half-assed Denis Commetti line. Fuck off, old man, you’re not funny.
16:45 Wait… I can’t get this in HD? With three effing-channels available? WTF CHANNEL 7?
15:29 Riewoldt gets a free kick which, as far as I can tell, was for sporting Jason Davenport’s 2009 haircut. Tom Lonergan needs some clippers, ASAP.
14:27 Geelong kicking badly, in front of goal and in general play, but they’re looking ok. They’re competing and constantly seem on the verge of busting the zone.
13:54 Chris Scott looks weird in the booth, I guess it’ll take some getting used to after 10 years of Lips. I mean, it’s a pretty hard act to follow, unlike when Thompson followed Gary Ayres. The bar was so low that he could have mailed in a whole season, made our best player leave and then signed with the opposition… Oh, wait.
13:01 Who’s more over-rated: Goddard, Hayes or Clinton Jones? Not who’s better, but who’s more overrated. Think about it.
11:40 On Cue, Goddard kicks a goal. He also has Jason Davenport’s hair.
10:55 Gamble is the Saints best 21? I give that about 3 weeks.
9:33 Is it too much to ask someone to knock Nick Dal Santo unconscious… every week?
9:00 Once again Stokes doesn’t look up to it. He needs to lift. Get his dealer on the phone. (Thank you! Goodnight everyone!)
8:32 Maybe I’m out of form too, but these umpires must have been involved with production of the St Kilda propaganda DVD “The bubble”.
7:14 The last kick into the forward line is killing Geelong, which is consistently a problem, for most teams, and especially against St Kilda.
5:14 Ok, this is probably the result of 3 different umpires and vantage points and all that, but it annoys me endlessly regardless: The same free kick the Saints got 5 minutes ago just happened to Joel Corey and no free kick is paid. I’m in good whinging form already.
4:01 Joel Selwood slides face first, completely unprotected, into a contest and gets cleaned up. The contact looks incidental but he has not moved. Ouch. I guess we’ll see the sub come into play. While we’re here, we haven’t really seen the sub rule in play so it’s a little early to start writing it off, however, having said that, isn’t this exactly what the pre season comp is for? To trial these fucking things? And how did Kevin Bartlett get on the rules committee? That’s who we want legislating the modern AFL; a bitter old man who hasn’t played for 35 years, never handpassed when he did play and who now has a radio show that borders on an dementia. Terrific choice.
2:17 I just missed this due to my anti-KB rant: Riewoldt getting awarded either a mark or a free when neither occurred.
2:00 Now a phantom to free is awarded to Farren Ray. The umps must be involved in the DVD.
1:17 The “Geelong look like they’re missing Ablett” call from the commentators comes slightly early: I was betting midway through the second quarter.
0:58 An amazing Bartel handpass leads to a chance but Varcoe misses on the run. He gathered the ball with one outstretched hand and then swang his free arm to meet it in the same motion. Incredible. I need to see that again. Alas, no replay.
2nd Quarter
19:00 Mitch Duncan kicks the first with an underground, bouncing ball. He summed that up nicely; showed poise and found the goals, which is something I don’t think you can teach. Plus, he looks different every time I look at him. I am baffled by this.
18:18 As Jason Blake misses a goal, Bruce McAvaney just referred to “Rosco” Lyon. Not sure if he meant the St Kilda coach or the Dukes of Hazard character. Also worth mentioning that Jason is the only Blake we’ll be seeing tonite.
15:42 Early stages here in the 2nd but Geelong looking better this quarter. Dog Johnson gets a free in the forward pocket on a tight angle: What are the odds he plays on? Even? 1-to-2 on?
15:32 Yep, he tried it, but gets another attempt due to one of those bizarre umpire things where the advantage rule, and the very spirit of why it was introduced in the first place, is over-ruled because someone was not perfectly in line with the correct angle. Ridiculous. Johnson hits the post. 1.5 now for Geelong.
14:21 Man, it’s really hard to watch the game, take it all in and make interesting/entertaining notes. Everything is happening too fast. I need some of those drugs from “Limitless”.
13:40 I heard they’re reopening the Milne rape case… Seriously, I heard this from a half reliable guy… I’m just saying… Allegedly.
12:01 For the first time in a long time Geelong are playing a spare man in defence. I guess Chris Scott wants to clamp down the back half.
11:02 Lenny Hayes is rubbish. There, I said it. He starts this sequence by ducking into a tackle and getting a free kick. Then Enright gets one, Scarlett gets one down the ground, Varcoe turns it over and the advantage, which was none, is paid. Ball up in the centre of the ground. What just happened? I’m confused. I think the umpires are still using NAB Cup rules.
8:33 Wojcinski has been good so far and Varcoe is working his way into the game. This year we need these two guys to really step up and use their speed in an otherwise one-paced midfield.
7:58 Steven Baker just looks like a knucklehead. Wait, I take that back. A criminal, he looks like a fucking criminal.
5:23 Bartel is also working “the Davenport” haircut as another behind to Geelong takes them to 1.7
3:00 Thanks Ross Lyon. This is borderline unwatchable.
2:33 The umpire invokes a senseless rule, about having two players of the same team in a pack tackle, that will be completely forgotten about by Round 6. Thanks again, KB and also to Jeff Geischen, who hangs on to his job by implementing new rules that are aimed at combating his previously created unnecessary rules that were never trialled in the pre-season. Do I have to do everything around here?
0:35 Cats just seem a second too slow, a meter too short, a handpass too many… This is starting to sound like an Al Pacino speech.
Halftime: Geelong 13, St Kilda 21
The back line has been ok, for both teams, and the final kick into the F50 is what is tough, thanks to the extra man back. Personally, the Otway Ale is not bad, I ate too much cheese and I remain unconvinced about the specialised “dipping” shape of the captain’s table crackers. I need a break.
The halftime “kids little league” is the worst tradition in AFL, closely followed by running through a crepe paper banner and date raping fans… What?
3rd Quarter
19:41 The second half starts with another rubbish free kick to Hayes as I let go of the season’s first series of F-bombs directed towards an inanimate object. I still think Hayes is overrated.
19:13 Geez, Scotty, even Bruce is calling for Johnson to go forward.
17:51 And now Lethal has climbed aboard the “SJ needs to start forward” bandwagon. (Side note: Have you noticed how he does that? He regularly piggybacks himself on to someone else’s idea. Also, his speech impediment is still hilarious.)
17:26 How about this: Move Bartel into the middle and Dog can take his place forward.
16:40 Geelong is starting to get some free kicks. I’ve probably been a bit harsh on the umpires, which I don’t normally like to do. Or maybe they watched the rest of the Saints DVD at halftime and got to the bit where Lenny Hayes cries.
16:10 Ryan Gamble kicks the cheapest of goals as his man was streaking towards the other end. I look forward to him taking VFL mark on the year.
14:57 Joel Corey has been great. Mooney, not so much.
14:27 Interesting 50m penalty awarded against Josh Hunt. I say “interesting” because I was about to go Christian Bale on the umpires but, after seeing the replay, it was probably there. Saints kick away to a big lead… Wait, they’re only up 20 points? This is a good thing. It feels like they’re up by 45.
13:28 Steve Johnson is one of those rare players who both supporters and opposition fans will consistently call a prick.
13:12 Daniel Menzel gets a kick, possibly numero uno. I probably should have seen that coming seeing as tho I compared him to Tristan Lynch a couple of weeks back.
12:28 Raph Clarke is on the deck again.
11:44 Again, Ryan Gamble is the Saints best 21?
10:56 Corey Enright kicks out of bounds on the full. This is terrible, or as Leigh would say, tewwible.
9:17 Geelong finally has a chance at only it’s second goal but once again Mooney sprays it wide. He needs to start kicking them left foot or something. At this point he’s like a cross between British Open Greg Norman and post-Goose’s death Maverick.
8:14 Over halfway through the 3rd and Geelong has 15 points? All this effort for nothing? This is like watching a Chloe Sevigny movie where she doesn’t take her shirt off. Maybe it’s time for my patented “why don’t they throw Milburn forward” call?
7:25 Brendan Goddard returns to the field with a bandage covering half his head. I believe he just heard that Jason Daneport is now rocking “The Bandage” look.
5:08 After a neat pass from Dog Johnson, Joel Corey kicks a goal from a very tight angle set shot. The Cats needed that badly. Joel Corey has been best on ground for Geelong so far. He missed a lot of games last season and I think his contribution was not only greatly missed but also underrated. I’m almost positive that last sentence made sense.
4:45 Another goal! The flying Wojcinski returns! (I’d be more excited but, you know, it’s not live, screw you channel 7, etc…)
4:27 Steve Johnson… Just, no. (As Mrs Watson would later say, “It’s not an all-star game; not every possession has to be a highlight.”)
3:45 The line between “he played-on/you stepped over the mark” is extremely blurred.
2:58 Duncan! Wrestles his opponent with one arm and takes the chest mark as he’s falling down with the other; shades of Ablett senior! Is there a bit of Hugh Jackman about him? Is that it? He has the opposite of HTS. Two point game!
1:28 The Cats now have a sniff and look up and about. Meanwhile, Riewoldt is limping around seconds after the Saints just used their substitute.
0:40 The crowd jeers Hawkins as he takes a mark. Have we hit that point with him? Hats off to Mrs Watson who called very early on (maybe his first few games) that Hawkins is what he is. Also worth noting, there was a “Sports Tonight” story today about Hawkins taking a part-time job with a butcher and I immediately pictured him fumbling and eventually dropping various cuts of meat. Not good times.
0:16 Another rubbish kick from Stokes. I’m calling it right now; axe him.
End of the 3rd Quarter: Geelong 34, St Kilda 35
Just saw a replay of why Riewoldt was hobbling: Scarlett absolutely nailed him with an elbow to the body. Wow. Love it. And on the same day after calling him the best player in the league “by a fair margin”. Scarlett’s a complex guy.
4th Quarter
19:05 Another absurd missed free kick. I have to stop writing these down. I’m bumming myself out.
17:43 Bartel. Goal. I’m speechless.
16:50 Is it too early for goal of the year?
15:46 I’m serious. That was an unbelievable goal. And it gives Geelong the lead. Hmm, throughout this whole running diary I seem to have failed to include any score updates. Brilliant.
15:15 Saints answer as Ben McEvoy somehow bounces one through from a 45m set sot as the commentators scramble to get in first with “that’s a cardinal sin”. Saints lead by 1. (Better late than never with the score updates.)
14:26 Another missed free kick.
14:05 A missed 50m penalty.
13:30 Tied game, 41 a piece. This game is more low-scoring than my entire high school experience.
12:40 Look, I hate complaining about umpires but they’ve had more fuck ups than I‘ve spelling mistakes trying to take these rushed notes. (Unedited version looks like this: look I hae complaing about thatipmirs buw thaybe had more fuck ups in this gae ifan ive had spemibg mistaes.) Notice how the only word my fingers instinctually got correct was a swear word. Uncanny.
10:36 Frenetic passage of play which left me momentarily unable to type. The game has definitely gone up a couple of notches.
9:06 The classic “Gamble half-assed effort” shows itself as he attempts a one-handed effort in the middle of the ground when the Saints really needed a better contest. I wonder what number he’ll wear for Sandringham?
7:43 This has turned into an arm wrestle and is gonna be a heart breaker either way it goes; scores still tied.
7:18 The reanimated corpse of Brad Ottens takes a grab just inside the 50m line. Tom Harley says that he’d be a chance “at his absolute best”. Given that I just called him a “reanimated corpse” I’m not expecting much. He misses. Cats by 1.
6:04 Bartel takes a tough mark as Geelong was moving out of defence. If he didn’t take that one the Saints would have streamed forward again. Bartel has had a really good last quarter so far as Bruce begins to perk up again, “He’s a good man in a tight situation”. Geez, some of the stuff he says is straight out of Arrested Development.
5:32 Jimmy again! As the Saints push forward Bartel is in the way. The ball seems to be bouncing back and forth between the 50m arcs at the moment.
5:01 Leigh Montagna kicks a huge goal despite being outnumbered 2-to1. Wait! The goal won’t stand; it’s a free kick against Montagna for… shepparding? Wow, really tough call against the Saints there. Looked like he just judged the ball a bit better and then stood his ground.
4:30 All my Lenny Hayes baiting has come back to bite as he kicks possibly the winning the goal. Goddamn it all.
4:15 Some more perplexing umpiring: How does “didn’t make an attempt to dispose of the ball” even come into consideration if there’s no prior opportunity? Isn’t that the superseding rule? This is madness.
3:15 Cats push forward and a chance goes begging as Mooney just couldn’t get a kind bounce. Hasn’t been his night at all. Expect the Saints to go to full-on “go-slow” mode now. This could be all over.
2:33 I think the commentators all just agreed that Raph Clarke has been “good” and “solid in defence”. I will now vomit cheese all over my laptop.
1:14 Saint’s turn it over, there’s still time! Joel Corey is still sprinting when everyone looks cooked. He is fitter than God.
0:22 MILBUUUUUUUUUUUUURNNNNNN!!!!!! Aaaaaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!
0:19 I’ll attempt to recap the past few seconds of madness: Geelong scramble a kick forward near the boundary, about 15m from goal. Bartel battles 2 opponents, almost getting a free kick, and all three players go to ground as the ball bounces free over the top of them. This leaves the Saints outnumbered and allows Mooney to gather and get the ball over the top (and drop Raph Clarke in the process) to an unattended Milburn in the goal square for the winning goal.
0:00 Siren! Haha! Screw you Lenny Hayes and Poetic Justice! I laugh at your ill-defined irony!
Great, fighting win made better by virtue of screwing the Saints. Joel Corey was great, Enright and Scarlett held strong and Bartel played an amazing last quarter to pull out an unlikely victory. Plus, I made it though 3000 words without a single dick joke. Now there’s an upset.
What better way to kick off the 2011 season than with everyone’s favourite ripped off idea, a running diary of Geelong v St Kilda!Pre-game
8:25pm Here we are, live from The Captain’s Lodge, with 6 Otway Ales, captain’s table crackers (appropriate), chunky roasted pepper dip and a last minute inclusion, a Mersey Valley cheese wheel! Good times!
8:27 Well, when I said live I should have pointed out that I’m actually watching on an hour delay while Channel airs Better Homes and Gardens and On the Buses. Really? That’s what’s happening in 2011? With three channels of programming to choose from we still have to wait for a British comedy that’s so old it’s showing in black & white? They’re taking the piss at this point. This is not only unacceptable it’s completely fucking insulting. The AFL cannot allow this to happen; either air it live or give it back to Channel 9. Thank you, everybody.
8:30 Here we go… Dark screen… Atmospheric music… I’m sensing deep voice man… No! That’s Tom Harley! What’s he doing? His voice is way too high for this!
8:33 Take note of the “Channel 7 mega wall”, a split screen that shows up to eight different cameras: Take note, because we won’t see it again for the rest of the night.
(Note: From here on in I’ll use the game clock to signify time.)
1st Quarter:
19:50 Mooney takes an easy grab within a minute, 35m out, direct in front. Why is Zac Dawson still employed… Oh wait… Mooney kicks it on the full. Maybe it was a ploy.
18:51 Dal santo misses on the run as I fumble and ultimately miss a chance at a “small dick” joke.
18:18 Stokes kicks into a defender right in front of him when he had a man open in the goal square. I don’t like his effort, or lack thereof, and I wonder how long he will remain in the team under Scott. I hope he’s matched up on Gram at some stage. Actually, I take that back. It would only lead to some pre-cooked, half-assed Denis Commetti line. Fuck off, old man, you’re not funny.
16:45 Wait… I can’t get this in HD? With three effing-channels available? WTF CHANNEL 7?
15:29 Riewoldt gets a free kick which, as far as I can tell, was for sporting Jason Davenport’s 2009 haircut. Tom Lonergan needs some clippers, ASAP.
14:27 Geelong kicking badly, in front of goal and in general play, but they’re looking ok. They’re competing and constantly seem on the verge of busting the zone.
13:54 Chris Scott looks weird in the booth, I guess it’ll take some getting used to after 10 years of Lips. I mean, it’s a pretty hard act to follow, unlike when Thompson followed Gary Ayres. The bar was so low that he could have mailed in a whole season, made our best player leave and then signed with the opposition… Oh, wait.
13:01 Who’s more over-rated: Goddard, Hayes or Clinton Jones? Not who’s better, but who’s more overrated. Think about it.
11:40 On Cue, Goddard kicks a goal. He also has Jason Davenport’s hair.
10:55 Gamble is the Saints best 21? I give that about 3 weeks.
9:33 Is it too much to ask someone to knock Nick Dal Santo unconscious… every week?
9:00 Once again Stokes doesn’t look up to it. He needs to lift. Get his dealer on the phone. (Thank you! Goodnight everyone!)
8:32 Maybe I’m out of form too, but these umpires must have been involved with production of the St Kilda propaganda DVD “The bubble”.
7:14 The last kick into the forward line is killing Geelong, which is consistently a problem, for most teams, and especially against St Kilda.
5:14 Ok, this is probably the result of 3 different umpires and vantage points and all that, but it annoys me endlessly regardless: The same free kick the Saints got 5 minutes ago just happened to Joel Corey and no free kick is paid. I’m in good whinging form already.
4:01 Joel Selwood slides face first, completely unprotected, into a contest and gets cleaned up. The contact looks incidental but he has not moved. Ouch. I guess we’ll see the sub come into play. While we’re here, we haven’t really seen the sub rule in play so it’s a little early to start writing it off, however, having said that, isn’t this exactly what the pre season comp is for? To trial these fucking things? And how did Kevin Bartlett get on the rules committee? That’s who we want legislating the modern AFL; a bitter old man who hasn’t played for 35 years, never handpassed when he did play and who now has a radio show that borders on an dementia. Terrific choice.
2:17 I just missed this due to my anti-KB rant: Riewoldt getting awarded either a mark or a free when neither occurred.
2:00 Now a phantom to free is awarded to Farren Ray. The umps must be involved in the DVD.
1:17 The “Geelong look like they’re missing Ablett” call from the commentators comes slightly early: I was betting midway through the second quarter.
0:58 An amazing Bartel handpass leads to a chance but Varcoe misses on the run. He gathered the ball with one outstretched hand and then swang his free arm to meet it in the same motion. Incredible. I need to see that again. Alas, no replay.
End of first: Geelong 4, St Kilda 17.
The Cats haven’t looked as bad as the score may suggest but have definitely looked sloppy at times. Joel Corey’s been good, Mitch Duncan has been impressive and Guthrie has looked good in his first game. Bartel has been quiet and can we please get Steve Johnson out of the midfield and into the forward 50?
The Cats haven’t looked as bad as the score may suggest but have definitely looked sloppy at times. Joel Corey’s been good, Mitch Duncan has been impressive and Guthrie has looked good in his first game. Bartel has been quiet and can we please get Steve Johnson out of the midfield and into the forward 50?
2nd Quarter
19:00 Mitch Duncan kicks the first with an underground, bouncing ball. He summed that up nicely; showed poise and found the goals, which is something I don’t think you can teach. Plus, he looks different every time I look at him. I am baffled by this.
18:18 As Jason Blake misses a goal, Bruce McAvaney just referred to “Rosco” Lyon. Not sure if he meant the St Kilda coach or the Dukes of Hazard character. Also worth mentioning that Jason is the only Blake we’ll be seeing tonite.
15:42 Early stages here in the 2nd but Geelong looking better this quarter. Dog Johnson gets a free in the forward pocket on a tight angle: What are the odds he plays on? Even? 1-to-2 on?
15:32 Yep, he tried it, but gets another attempt due to one of those bizarre umpire things where the advantage rule, and the very spirit of why it was introduced in the first place, is over-ruled because someone was not perfectly in line with the correct angle. Ridiculous. Johnson hits the post. 1.5 now for Geelong.
14:21 Man, it’s really hard to watch the game, take it all in and make interesting/entertaining notes. Everything is happening too fast. I need some of those drugs from “Limitless”.
13:40 I heard they’re reopening the Milne rape case… Seriously, I heard this from a half reliable guy… I’m just saying… Allegedly.
12:01 For the first time in a long time Geelong are playing a spare man in defence. I guess Chris Scott wants to clamp down the back half.
11:02 Lenny Hayes is rubbish. There, I said it. He starts this sequence by ducking into a tackle and getting a free kick. Then Enright gets one, Scarlett gets one down the ground, Varcoe turns it over and the advantage, which was none, is paid. Ball up in the centre of the ground. What just happened? I’m confused. I think the umpires are still using NAB Cup rules.
8:33 Wojcinski has been good so far and Varcoe is working his way into the game. This year we need these two guys to really step up and use their speed in an otherwise one-paced midfield.
7:58 Steven Baker just looks like a knucklehead. Wait, I take that back. A criminal, he looks like a fucking criminal.
5:23 Bartel is also working “the Davenport” haircut as another behind to Geelong takes them to 1.7
3:00 Thanks Ross Lyon. This is borderline unwatchable.
2:33 The umpire invokes a senseless rule, about having two players of the same team in a pack tackle, that will be completely forgotten about by Round 6. Thanks again, KB and also to Jeff Geischen, who hangs on to his job by implementing new rules that are aimed at combating his previously created unnecessary rules that were never trialled in the pre-season. Do I have to do everything around here?
0:35 Cats just seem a second too slow, a meter too short, a handpass too many… This is starting to sound like an Al Pacino speech.
Halftime: Geelong 13, St Kilda 21
The back line has been ok, for both teams, and the final kick into the F50 is what is tough, thanks to the extra man back. Personally, the Otway Ale is not bad, I ate too much cheese and I remain unconvinced about the specialised “dipping” shape of the captain’s table crackers. I need a break.
The halftime “kids little league” is the worst tradition in AFL, closely followed by running through a crepe paper banner and date raping fans… What?
3rd Quarter
19:41 The second half starts with another rubbish free kick to Hayes as I let go of the season’s first series of F-bombs directed towards an inanimate object. I still think Hayes is overrated.
19:13 Geez, Scotty, even Bruce is calling for Johnson to go forward.
17:51 And now Lethal has climbed aboard the “SJ needs to start forward” bandwagon. (Side note: Have you noticed how he does that? He regularly piggybacks himself on to someone else’s idea. Also, his speech impediment is still hilarious.)
17:26 How about this: Move Bartel into the middle and Dog can take his place forward.
16:40 Geelong is starting to get some free kicks. I’ve probably been a bit harsh on the umpires, which I don’t normally like to do. Or maybe they watched the rest of the Saints DVD at halftime and got to the bit where Lenny Hayes cries.
16:10 Ryan Gamble kicks the cheapest of goals as his man was streaking towards the other end. I look forward to him taking VFL mark on the year.
14:57 Joel Corey has been great. Mooney, not so much.
14:27 Interesting 50m penalty awarded against Josh Hunt. I say “interesting” because I was about to go Christian Bale on the umpires but, after seeing the replay, it was probably there. Saints kick away to a big lead… Wait, they’re only up 20 points? This is a good thing. It feels like they’re up by 45.
13:28 Steve Johnson is one of those rare players who both supporters and opposition fans will consistently call a prick.
13:12 Daniel Menzel gets a kick, possibly numero uno. I probably should have seen that coming seeing as tho I compared him to Tristan Lynch a couple of weeks back.
12:28 Raph Clarke is on the deck again.
11:44 Again, Ryan Gamble is the Saints best 21?
10:56 Corey Enright kicks out of bounds on the full. This is terrible, or as Leigh would say, tewwible.
9:17 Geelong finally has a chance at only it’s second goal but once again Mooney sprays it wide. He needs to start kicking them left foot or something. At this point he’s like a cross between British Open Greg Norman and post-Goose’s death Maverick.
8:14 Over halfway through the 3rd and Geelong has 15 points? All this effort for nothing? This is like watching a Chloe Sevigny movie where she doesn’t take her shirt off. Maybe it’s time for my patented “why don’t they throw Milburn forward” call?
7:25 Brendan Goddard returns to the field with a bandage covering half his head. I believe he just heard that Jason Daneport is now rocking “The Bandage” look.
5:08 After a neat pass from Dog Johnson, Joel Corey kicks a goal from a very tight angle set shot. The Cats needed that badly. Joel Corey has been best on ground for Geelong so far. He missed a lot of games last season and I think his contribution was not only greatly missed but also underrated. I’m almost positive that last sentence made sense.
4:45 Another goal! The flying Wojcinski returns! (I’d be more excited but, you know, it’s not live, screw you channel 7, etc…)
4:27 Steve Johnson… Just, no. (As Mrs Watson would later say, “It’s not an all-star game; not every possession has to be a highlight.”)
3:45 The line between “he played-on/you stepped over the mark” is extremely blurred.
2:58 Duncan! Wrestles his opponent with one arm and takes the chest mark as he’s falling down with the other; shades of Ablett senior! Is there a bit of Hugh Jackman about him? Is that it? He has the opposite of HTS. Two point game!
1:28 The Cats now have a sniff and look up and about. Meanwhile, Riewoldt is limping around seconds after the Saints just used their substitute.
0:40 The crowd jeers Hawkins as he takes a mark. Have we hit that point with him? Hats off to Mrs Watson who called very early on (maybe his first few games) that Hawkins is what he is. Also worth noting, there was a “Sports Tonight” story today about Hawkins taking a part-time job with a butcher and I immediately pictured him fumbling and eventually dropping various cuts of meat. Not good times.
0:16 Another rubbish kick from Stokes. I’m calling it right now; axe him.
End of the 3rd Quarter: Geelong 34, St Kilda 35
Just saw a replay of why Riewoldt was hobbling: Scarlett absolutely nailed him with an elbow to the body. Wow. Love it. And on the same day after calling him the best player in the league “by a fair margin”. Scarlett’s a complex guy.
4th Quarter
19:05 Another absurd missed free kick. I have to stop writing these down. I’m bumming myself out.
17:43 Bartel. Goal. I’m speechless.
16:50 Is it too early for goal of the year?
15:46 I’m serious. That was an unbelievable goal. And it gives Geelong the lead. Hmm, throughout this whole running diary I seem to have failed to include any score updates. Brilliant.
15:15 Saints answer as Ben McEvoy somehow bounces one through from a 45m set sot as the commentators scramble to get in first with “that’s a cardinal sin”. Saints lead by 1. (Better late than never with the score updates.)
14:26 Another missed free kick.
14:05 A missed 50m penalty.
13:30 Tied game, 41 a piece. This game is more low-scoring than my entire high school experience.
12:40 Look, I hate complaining about umpires but they’ve had more fuck ups than I‘ve spelling mistakes trying to take these rushed notes. (Unedited version looks like this: look I hae complaing about thatipmirs buw thaybe had more fuck ups in this gae ifan ive had spemibg mistaes.) Notice how the only word my fingers instinctually got correct was a swear word. Uncanny.
10:36 Frenetic passage of play which left me momentarily unable to type. The game has definitely gone up a couple of notches.
9:06 The classic “Gamble half-assed effort” shows itself as he attempts a one-handed effort in the middle of the ground when the Saints really needed a better contest. I wonder what number he’ll wear for Sandringham?
7:43 This has turned into an arm wrestle and is gonna be a heart breaker either way it goes; scores still tied.
7:18 The reanimated corpse of Brad Ottens takes a grab just inside the 50m line. Tom Harley says that he’d be a chance “at his absolute best”. Given that I just called him a “reanimated corpse” I’m not expecting much. He misses. Cats by 1.
6:04 Bartel takes a tough mark as Geelong was moving out of defence. If he didn’t take that one the Saints would have streamed forward again. Bartel has had a really good last quarter so far as Bruce begins to perk up again, “He’s a good man in a tight situation”. Geez, some of the stuff he says is straight out of Arrested Development.
5:32 Jimmy again! As the Saints push forward Bartel is in the way. The ball seems to be bouncing back and forth between the 50m arcs at the moment.
5:01 Leigh Montagna kicks a huge goal despite being outnumbered 2-to1. Wait! The goal won’t stand; it’s a free kick against Montagna for… shepparding? Wow, really tough call against the Saints there. Looked like he just judged the ball a bit better and then stood his ground.
4:30 All my Lenny Hayes baiting has come back to bite as he kicks possibly the winning the goal. Goddamn it all.
4:15 Some more perplexing umpiring: How does “didn’t make an attempt to dispose of the ball” even come into consideration if there’s no prior opportunity? Isn’t that the superseding rule? This is madness.
3:15 Cats push forward and a chance goes begging as Mooney just couldn’t get a kind bounce. Hasn’t been his night at all. Expect the Saints to go to full-on “go-slow” mode now. This could be all over.
2:33 I think the commentators all just agreed that Raph Clarke has been “good” and “solid in defence”. I will now vomit cheese all over my laptop.
1:14 Saint’s turn it over, there’s still time! Joel Corey is still sprinting when everyone looks cooked. He is fitter than God.
0:22 MILBUUUUUUUUUUUUURNNNNNN!!!!!! Aaaaaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!
0:19 I’ll attempt to recap the past few seconds of madness: Geelong scramble a kick forward near the boundary, about 15m from goal. Bartel battles 2 opponents, almost getting a free kick, and all three players go to ground as the ball bounces free over the top of them. This leaves the Saints outnumbered and allows Mooney to gather and get the ball over the top (and drop Raph Clarke in the process) to an unattended Milburn in the goal square for the winning goal.
0:00 Siren! Haha! Screw you Lenny Hayes and Poetic Justice! I laugh at your ill-defined irony!
Great, fighting win made better by virtue of screwing the Saints. Joel Corey was great, Enright and Scarlett held strong and Bartel played an amazing last quarter to pull out an unlikely victory. Plus, I made it though 3000 words without a single dick joke. Now there’s an upset.
posted by the captain at 4:50 pm
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