We're Back, or, The Return of the Dick Joke

Yes, we’re back! There’s only so many times I can watch Luke Darcy squint his way through a completely inane match preview and not want to set myself on fire. So we’re back to provide some much needed insight and colour for the Big League faithful. Thanks to all for the supportive comments, and offers and care-taking, but we started this bastard and we’ll be the ones to ride it into the ground. This time around we’ve come up with a formula that will essentially take the shape of match previews and tipping each week. We’ll keep a tally of our tips, plus those of a yet-to-be-named pissweak celebrity tipster. Boring, yes, but it will keep us sane. And there’ll still be a plethora of bad jokes, cheap shots at Richmond, grounds for possible libel action and a new section titled, “euphemisms for taking a shit”, which is kicking off this week with, “omitting Stuart Dew”. Plus, it's with genuine excitement that I welcome back Mrs Watson, ready to slot straight back in to his foul-mouthed position on Big League’s half-back flank. Questions? Good. Let’s do one.

Richmond v Carlton
Captain: The cup of over-inflated expectations has sold out: Gotta love round one. Let’s see how many fans turn up halfway through the season when Richmond is 3-8 and Brendan Fevola has been arrested for taking a dump on Robert Walls’ doorstep. Oh, and is Ben Cousins playing? I wasn’t sure. Blues by fucking, I don't know, 8 goals.

Mrs Watson: I'm tipping Richmond here, because I've done the sums, and if they don't win this one, there is an excellent chance that the Tigers might finish 10th, and that is unimaginable.

Hawthorn v Geelong
Captain: I’m not ready to talk about these assholes yet. Talk about smug winners. As Rudy from Fat Albert once said, they like a teacher on holidays – no class. Cats to claim a hollow victory.

Mrs: Watson: The sooner you can accept that Grand Final loss Captain, the easier it'll go down when it happens again this round, and every time the Hawks play the Cats until the end of time. Seriously, until THE END OF TIME.

Captain: Well, I’m glad you haven’t lost your optimism.

Collingwood v Adelaide
Captain: Wait, you’re picking against Geelong and you’re picking Richmond? Are you deliberately picking against me? Surely we can agree that Collingwood are primed for their annual March winning streak. Did you see Collingwood’s no. 1 draft pick is named Steele Sidebottom? Are we sure he isn’t a figment of Eddie McGuire’s imagination?

Mrs Watson: Dick, Cox, Goldsack, Wood, and now...yes, Sidebottom. Shit, add a Darren Fellatio and a Simon Fist and you've got something resembling the men's room at the Bended Elbow (“Bended” is not a word by the way, you assholes). But, regardless of the fact that the Collingwood recruiters seem to be playing some sort of practical joke on us, I'm going for the Magpies because, to cut a long story short, the Crows look kinda shit.

Brisbane v West Coast
Mrs Watson: Even without the assistance of Channel 10's NAB Analyser, Michael Voss should get his team over the line against probably the worst team kicking around.

Geelong: Agreed. And since I have nothing to add, Mark Nicovski is the most over-rated player in the AFL, and no-one rates him at all.

St Kilda v Sydney
Captain: Since I don’t care about this game at all, I’d like to thank Channel 9 for adding Grant ‘Walnut’ Thomas to the Footy Classified panel and inadvertently writing the rest of the seasons jokes for me. Um, St Kilda.

Mrs Watson: St Kilda. By the way, if you're like me and love laughing at idiots, check this out. Actually, after seeing that, I retract my tip....Sydney.

Captain: Jesus, I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but it looks like they came straight from the set of a Lady Ga-Ga film clip.

Melbourne v North Melbourne
Mrs Watson: Melbourne, and here's why: I saw Daniel Wells purchasing a meat pie last year and it hasn't sat right with me since. Weird.

Captain: Although it has very little to do with pies, I also have a feeling about Melbourne; a feeling that they’re still shithouse. If North doesn’t win this I will eat Brent Harvey.

Port Adelaide v Essendon
Captain: Geez, we really stacked the good games up the top, didn’t we? Port will pants the Bombers, so here’s a hypothetical about Mark ‘Choco’ Williams instead: if he were to one day coach Geelong, would it be possible to like him?

Mrs Watson: Let me put this simply: no, and I hate you for making me consider it. Asshole. But you're right, Port will destroy the Bombers and probably win a whole lot more games this year. I like them. I like them a lot. And I pray we play them again in this year's Grand Final. Fingers crossed. Wear gloves.

Captain: There it is, folks, the first fisting reference of 2009! Did we all miss Mrs Watson?

Mrs Watson: Actually, that was the second.

Fremantle v Western Bulldogs
Mrs Watson: I'm giving the Bulldogs the benefit of the doubt this week, but I'm predicting a bit of a drop off from last year. It seems to me they got lucky early in 2008 and fell in a right fucking heap late. Did anyone say “hoax”? Yes, I just did. And now it seems Tim Callan is allergic to nuts? Shit, he'd never get a game with Collingwood with an allergy like that.

Captain: Is there a more confusing TV show than Lost? It’s like Mullholland Drive on ice. People who can follow this show should immediately be put to work on the human genome project. Oh, I’m going with the Dogs too; tipping Freo is a sign of insanity.

Not too bad after no pre-season, Mrs W. See ya next Wednesday.

The Captain: Carl, Geel, Coll, Bris, StK, NM, Port, WB.
Season Tally: 0-0

Mrs Watson: Rich, Haw, Coll, Bris, Syd, Melb, Port, WB.
Season Tally: 0-0