big league, little league

2011-11-16T12:22:00.003+11:00

Just a Tribute, or, A Just Tribute

In the glorious contentment of Geelong premiership afterglow, this off-season has seen the greatest loss of talent, character and “Geelong-ness” we’ve seen in one season since Beaumont’s Pies closed its doors in the same year as CC music. Just as in 2007 (Steven King) and 2009 (Tom Harley), Geelong will bid farewell to its premiership winning captain, Cameron Ling, as well as Cameron Mooney, Darren Milburn, Mark Blake and Brad Ottens. As tribute, here is Big League’s goodbye to five (four) of the best who will be missed on the field, in the stands and in these pages.

Cameron Mooney
Mooney gave the Geelong forward line, and team in general, a swagger that it desperately needed. He seemed like an excellent team-mate, like he had your back both on and off the field and like he’d secretly hook you up with some C-grade model at the Albert Park Hotel. He did work in the ruck, down back and eventually settled as the key-forward in two apparently key-forwardless premiership teams: It was unfortunate but understandable (and ultimately 100% vindicated) to see Moons miss this year’s premiership. Unwanted in the big smoke, Moons took on the often misunderstood, working class nature of his adopted hometown (while living in Port Melbourne), and ultimately he will go down as, if not one of Geelong’s most talented players, certainly one of its most loved.

Games: 221 games
Goals: 297
Fist-pump/fuck-off combos: 52 (approx.)
Nickname(s): Moons, Moondog
Signature move: Passing when in an obvious goal scoring position, followed by the overly emotional hug/top of the head rub.
Memorable moment: Stealing the Michael Jordan move and standing on the MCG fence, premiership cup in hand. Brilliant.
Big League Little League legacy: Mrs Watson spending an entire evening at the pub cradling a Cats beanie like a newborn and Christening it “Baby Mooney” after Mooney lead the Cats to the 2006 pre-season cup.

Darren Milburn
I love Dasher. He was a throwback in an era of pretty boys – a $12 bowl cut in a sea of blonde-tipped, gel-spiked, faux-hawks. He looks like that one dude who you went to school with who wore the same thing to every occasion, be it BBQ or wedding. He was a player’s player, the dependable, versatile cog that kept chugging along. I was always confident when he was playing, always sure that he would win his share of contests, uphold his end of the bargain. Tellingly, Matthew Scarlett has said Dash was his favourite teammate. Also, I once read something like Milburn could eat fish & chips for dinner every night and he’d still be in the same game shape, which struck me as particularly awesome.

Games: 292
Goals: 94 goals
Total distance given away in 50-metre penalties for umpire abuse: 1.25km
Nickname(s): Dasher, Stillborn, The Crafty Veteran, ODB (Ol’ Dirty Bastard)
Signature move: Third man up to a marking contest, simultaneously punching the ball and the back of the opposition’s head.
Memorable moment: Knocking out Steven Silvagni at Princes Park and then proceeding to get booed by Carlton fans for the next nine years.
Big League Little League legacy: Giving away those back-to-back goals just before halftime in the ’09 Grand Final which lead to Mrs Watson and I simultaneously exchanging a string of an unprintable, incomprehensible profanities despite being 3000 miles apart.
*Bonus BLLL legacy: My 6-monthly suggestions that he should be tried in the forward line.

Mark Blake
Blake was a father-son selection but was never embraced by the fans the way other limited, oft-maligned, but nevertheless Geelong lineage players have been. Except for Mrs Watson. For some unknown fucking reason Mrs Watson loved this clown. Still, he was better than Peter Street. I think.

Games: 99
Goals: 12
Number of times “He’s an excellent tap ruckman” was used to defend him: 546
Nickname(s): Silkworm
Signature move: Vaguely winning the opening centre bounce.
Memorable moment: Sulking behind sunglasses after the 2007 Grand Final win.
Big League Little League legacy: Mrs Watson buying and proudly displaying a Mark “Silkworm” Blake badge without a trace of irony (which is ironic).

Cameron Ling
What an unlikely footballer. He always looked slower, less co-ordinated and less skilled then his opponents because he was slower, less co-ordinated and less skilled than his opponents. But somehow he made it work. He was the draft horse next to the thoroughbreds, the goonbag next to the champagne, the Priceline cashier next to the supermodel. But once the coaches worked out how to use him, there were none better. Another of the Geelong big game specialists, his tagging jobs in Grand Finals have all been excellent, culminating in this year’s “Cloak of Invisibility” job he pulled on Dane Swan. Ling also carried himself well off the field, despite the constant needling about his looks he took from a media who for some reason decided it was fair game. He finally got to captain his hometown club and duly lifted the cup, completing the rare “school/footy team/pub owner” Geelong trifecta. Hats off, you truly are the Mayor of Geelong.

Games: 246
Goals: 139
Nickname(s): Linga, Lady-Killer
Signature move: The all-in-one-motion gathered and blindly delivered “panic kick”.
Memorable moment: Nathan Buckley getting so frustrated at Ling’s effective, close-checking tactics that he wiped his own blood all over Ling so he’d have to leave the field. You stay classy, Nathan.
Big League Little League legacy: The last in a long line of proud Geelong red-heads.

Brad Ottens
In 2005, when Geelong traded for Ottens, we finally thought we had our full-forward. A couple of good, but not great, seasons playing out of position and people were beginning to wonder if he was worth two first-round picks (one of which was gained by trading out Brent “Tinkles” Maloney) and if Jade Rawlings was the one that got away. It got so bad that Bomber felt compelled to defend the big man in the infamous “all of you... all of you” press conference which was so earnest and such a stand-up move that my man-crush on Lips was sealed forever. Eventually Ottens’ time in the forward line became less and his time in the middle, more. Mrs Watson had been telling anyone within earshot for 3 years that Ottens was not a full forward and that when he played in ruck, the Cats looked 10 times better. Thankfully someone at the club finally realised this too. And so after surviving Tigerland, after copping it from all angles in the media and living through the ill-advised Walnut Thomas “ruckmen don’t matter” era, Ottens was settled in the middle (and Mooney forward, I might add) and the renaissance was complete. The rest was not just history, but record-setting.

Games: 245 (116 with Geelong)
Goals: 261 (109 with Geelong)
Nickname(s): Otto, Otto-Man, Sex Fingers
Signature move: Competing in the ruck, following up with a tackle and eventually clearing the ball himself on hands and knees.
*Bonus signature move that always cracks me up: Clunking a big one-grab mark while resting forward as James Brayshaw and Garry Lyon lose their shit.
Memorable moment: Do I even need to say it? The 50m chase and tackle in the ’07 GF. He set the standard early that day with that huge effort. Fucking awesome.
Big League Little League legacy: Otto is probably the single, greatest, on-field reason the Cats are three time premiers (with Brain Cook being the single, greatest reason, full-stop). All of us love the big fella around here... All of us.

2011-10-18T23:09:00.003+11:00

An Explanation (of Sorts)

It’s hard to accurately capture what it was like watching this Geelong team claim its third premiership in five years. I waited for my thoughts to crystallize, to put the performance in context, to give it relevance. I got the next day’s papers and watched the TV news, both full of recaps, interviews and superlatives. But nothing seemed to evoke what I had experienced. It seemed disconnected and disparate, as though the photograph had stolen the soul.

That relief was, ultimately, the overwhelming emotion once the game was in hand, is telling. Maybe victory seemed the natural outcome, expectation being a by-product of success, and thus achieving it was merely a case of travelling the road most likely. Or perhaps it is that the joy of victory is not equal to the pain of defeat, that an opportunity lost is double an opportunity taken.

I still have vivid memories of the 1989 Grand Final. I was 10 years old. I ran out to my backyard cubby-house, wounded. I probably cried. But we fronted up to the Town hall that night to welcome the team back. The town was proud and the team seemed drunk. I clapped along, unaware at that age that platitude in victory is hollow but support in defeat holds honour. It has only been in the past few years that I have re-watched that game, pre-2007 our favourite Grand Final. I was finally able to recognize the bravery of that Geelong team, of just how close they were and how different things may have been. I also recognized how outgunned that backline was, how willing but unqualified Tim Darcy was.

The 1990s Grand Finals remain, and will remain, unwatched. The Eagles teams of that era were the Ivan Drago of the young AFL: foreign, blonde, robotic in their precise devastation and loaded up on steroids (probably). They made the Cats look second-rate. Which left the ’95 Blues to make them look about sixth or seventh rate.

The free self-expression of the Malcolm Blight Era had given way to the grim self-destruction of the Gary Ayres years, their concepts and careers summed up in their handling of Ablett Senior: One man, driven by the courage of his creative convictions, rejuvenated him; the other, cowardly unable to push, broke him in the VFL until his inevitable jump. I guess Gary Ayres never believed in God.

The new millennium arrived with my adulthood (21). And as friends and acquaintances sometimes distanced themselves from football, seeking to perhaps establish a more sophisticated self-image, I stuck with game and stuck with the Cats (and, somewhat stubbornly, the town itself). And they stuck with me; to this day I have a “Rain Man” like ability to conjure the playing numbers of obscure and below-par Geelong players from the past 20 years (Geoff Miles wore no. 2, for example).

The game got younger and I got older. Childhood and childhood heroes were long gone. Toby Bairstow was training horses back in Perth. Barry Stoneham was limping his way around Collins Street. Paul Couch was selling cars or running for Mayor of Colac or something. Shane Hamilton (no. 25) faded into obscurity. I presume Darren Forssman was, and still is, selling security systems door to door.

I saw Joel Corey at the Geelong Hotel once, it must have been his first or second year. He was taller than I had anticipated and I remembered that he was drafted from W.A. somewhere. I wondered what it meant to support a team that would soon be younger than me. James Rahilly was smoking PJ Supers like he was in prison. I think Boris was there too. How strange, I thought, that they’re all here at the GH, smoking and drinking. I almost walked up and wished them well for the season. And I remembered then that we, as residents, had our own responsibility. That we needed this team and if the town couldn’t provide anonymity we each had to do our best. I remembered Buddha Hocking collecting my bins, Gavin Excell selling my Dad our memberships and having a kick with Gary Senior in my street; a neighbour at one end kicked to me, me in the middle kicked to Gaz and the great man kicked the 60 metres over my head to the end again. I remembered I was drinking Cointreau and V, and wondered why I was at the Geelong Hotel.

In hindsight it’s remembered as a “super-draft”, but at the time the 2003 crop looked nothing more than good, honest plodders. Certainly I didn’t see Jimmy Bartel turning into the most reliable big-game player of a generation, Corey Enright becoming the best half-back in the league and the above-mentioned Joel Corey turning into an all-day running and clearance machine. And they weren’t that, at first. James Kelly looked a class above, I must admit, and I once compared him to James Hird before he was duly injured. It ended up taking him, and the team itself, years to get their confidence back.

Matty Scarlett didn’t stand out as a school footballer. Steve Johnson was a drunken screw-up. Mooney kept belting people. Ling was no athlete. Brad Ottens was wrongly maligned (“All of you... All of you”). But there is spirit in the struggle.

Sometime in the Lips Thompson-era Mrs Watson and I became friends, bonding over a mutual love of The Cats, cynicism and a possibly heroin-addicted, Melbourne-based, indie-pop band: More tenuous connections have been responsible for more. In 2006, we started Big League as an extension of our email conversations that inevitably turned to football and the potential of Matthew Spencer and why Kane Tenace couldn’t kick and wanting to throw pies at Peter Street (and how it would be a Balfour’s, as we were unwilling to part with the now tragically defunct Beaumont’s) and Nick Davis and why God (not Gary) hated Geelong. Typically when the football became too much, the losses too hard to swallow, we drank and turned to music or other abstractions that had no scoreboard, no outcome as nakedly definitive as wins and losses. From spilled marks to Built to Spill, we’d forget, temporarily at least.

While watching the 2006 pre-season cup, I superstitiously, and, as it was a gift, quite impolitely, turfed a brand new beanie from my head in frustration. The Cats kicked away and the beanie was never worn again. W and I celebrated. Looking back, perhaps the players did too. Regardless of the failure of that season proper, we had picked a good time to start a blog about the Cats.

There’s been something perfectly and uniquely endearing about each of Geelong’s flags: 2007 was the drought-breaker that I will always hold as particularly special. The game was beyond doubt 10 minutes into the second quarter but the players kicked on obsessively, as if each goal would make up for the lost years, as if the margin could grow so great as to be able to stretch back to 1995, ‘94 and ‘92. And maybe even to ‘89. I was glad for their fervour.

2009 was the heart attack, as the stronger bodies and harder minds, forged in failure the year before, imposed themselves on the second half of the contest. The high-scoring Cats out-defended the all-defence Saints, and the only era ended was the one never started.

2011 was the perfect blend of both; neck-and-neck for three quarters before a glorious, vindicated, victory lap in the last. The impossibility of sustained excellence in the modern, salary-cap, draft-concession era extended to a fifth year.

After Varcoe’s fourth quarter goal I relaxed and looked around the bar at my drunk and happy friends, glad to have the context to appreciate the feat, if not the words to describe it.

2011-10-06T21:29:00.002+11:00

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose

After three quarters of the 2011 Grand Final there was only a kick in it. This was it.

10 minutes later, after Tom Hawkins had briefly morphed into Wayne Carey, Donnie picked a crumb of Fletch Duncan's plate and calmly lobbed a left foot snap through the goals. At that point I knew Geelong would not be bested.

The next 10 minutes saw Collingwood throw everything they had left at the Cats, and it saw them come away with absolutely nothing for it. Bartel kicked his third, secured the medal, and the lid was officially off.

Last season saw The Cats lose their dual-premiership coach and the best player in the competition. It also saw them lose a preliminary final to Collingwood by, what was in the end, a flattering 40-odd points.

This season they were written off before a game was played, they were ignored while on top of the ladder and dismissed when they beat Collingwood every time they faced them.

They lost Daniel Menzel, their third leading goal kicker in the first final, Steve Johnson, their second leading goal kicker in the prelim and their leading goal-kicker, Podsiadly halfway through the second quarter of the Grand Final. No matter. They just kept winning.

What an amazing effort. What an amazing team. So many good performers on the day, and throughout the year, who continue to do the job, to put the team before themselves, to play the right way.

About a minute before he kicked that left foot sealer, Varcoe found himself in the exact opposite position on the field; about 40 metres from Collingwood’s goal. He was alone and standing under a high, floating ball with Magpie players furiously closing in. Varcoe backed into the traffic and an ugly contest. He stood his ground, won the ball out and charged forward.

Just like Varcoe, this team’s courage to contest, their strength to recover, and their will to push forward with another effort, was rewarded with the ultimate.

2011-09-27T17:15:00.003+10:00

Beyond Good & Evil

Here we go again: Another Grand Final, another nervous wait and another weekend of rampant alcoholism. I don’t know how much more of this my body can take. I can barely make it out of the house in this state, let alone construct a cohesive and coherent sentence (well, except maybe for this one) let alone a full post. So here, in its place, are my rambling thoughts regarding the Grand Final and whatever else...

The Cats looked almost robotic in their Preliminary final dispatching of West Coast; a well-oiled machine just doing what it does. The defence especially looked organized and unflappable. Muscles Mackie played about as well as I’ve seen him play and Scarlett and Enright are, at this point, mistake free footballers. But is it better to have a brutal, testing finals series prior to a Grand Final, or the relatively “bruise-free” path that the Cats have had? Hopefully the Cats will be able to step up to the required intensity.

My gut feeling is that Steve Johnson will play, albeit at about 80% capacity, a gamble that, without Daniel Menzel, Geelong may feel they need to take. (By the way, when he returned in the red vest to walk the boundary during the Prelim it was the biggest cheer all day. Sent a shiver down my spine. It also reminded me of when a wrestler enters the stadium and they play his intro music: “Good Lord, is that Steve Johnson’s music?!”)

Darren Jolly on the other hand, won’t be risked. I think the Pies will reason correctly that a fully fit Cameron Wood is equal to Jolly in his current state, who seems to be moving about as well as Verbal Kint.

That razor ad where That Guy Who Used To Host Gladiators Tom Williams starts screaming at people about using a new shaver is my new most hated ad, displacing the Just For Men ad where Luis Figo appears to be getting hit on by the Portuguese Mark Nicoski, then has a shower and kicks a soccer ball through a TV in some sort of “Electric Dreams” video clip fantasy world. As Bill Hicks once said, “If you’re in marketing or advertising, just do me favour and kill yourself.”

How good has it been having James Podsiadly appear out of nowhere two years ago? Contested marking, especially in the forward line, is often what separates very good teams from premiership teams and it is a huge plus for Geelong that a) Pods escaped any suspension and b) Ben Reid may not be fully fit. The real bonus, however, would be if Hawkins can continue crashing packs and catching a few like he has been.

Likewise, Travis Cloke is Collingwood’s most important player and it will be a big job for Lonergan, who I think will get first crack, and/or Harry Taylor. If they can compete and bring the ball to ground more often than not, it will slow down Collingwood’s avenues to goal and psychologically keep the Pies pegged down.

I am completely uninterested in the Brownlow, either as an award or an event. Having said that, Dane Swan winning seems fair enough, and by fair enough, I mean, “at least it wasn’t Nick Dal Santo”. (Although, I did once float the idea of Tickets playing with the Chas around his neck, so that when he didn’t get a line-ball decision he could point to the medal and go “Hey, ump... Brownlow.” At which point he would immediately be awarded a free kick.)

Speaking of Swan, I’d prefer Ling did a job on Pendlebury, as he’s their best clearance/stoppage player. How the mid-field matches up will be interesting as we’ve seen Bartel and Kelly play tagging roles in big games previously when required. The Pies typically use Wellingham as their assigned run-with player and I’d expect him to go to Selwood.

Back to Steve Johnson for a minute, whether or not he kicks 3 or 4, Geelong really does need him out there. The Cats forward line needs some swag, some self-belief, some big game bravado. Pods, Hawkins and Varcoe can sometimes appear a little, how shall I put this, precariously confident? Now that Mooney’s gone, they need Stevie J to give them that presence, to help them all walk a bit taller. As attila reminded us a couple weeks back in the comments, in 2007 when asked how he was feeling before the big game, Stevie J replied with, “This is why they put in air in my lungs.”

Speaking of which, was it just me, or did Paul Chapman look a little bit frisky last week?

So... How we feeling Big Leaguers?!? As I said in ’07, I’m drained, I’m nervous, I’m confident, I’m terrified and I’ve got nothing else to say but, Go Cats!

2011-09-21T10:10:00.003+10:00

Close Enough if they’re Good Enough

Let’s keep this brief and to the point: The Cats are as well placed as one could be placed to have a tilt at the flag. Consider:

The Cats have had the week off after winning straight through to the preliminary final, something that the past eight premiers all have in common. The path to the flag, it would appear, goes via a top four finish and earning the second week of the finals off.

The Eagles, by contrast, have had two physically bruising encounters back to back, firstly against the Magpies and then that brutal game against Carlton where the Blues seemingly kidnapped the time keeper to give themselves an unlikely chance in an unlikely 36 minute final term. Two tight, to the line games like that also drain the players mentally, and they may feel like they’ve played their Grand Final already.

Also, the Eagles have had to travel to Melbourne, back home to Perth and will now have to come back to the MCG, a ground the Cats love. Plus, looking ahead another week, getting a Saturday day game at the MCG for the Prelim is an excellent dress rehearsal for the big dance.

Often this time of year comes down to whose list is the fittest. As we saw, Carlton badly missed Kreuzer and Gibbs (and Waite) on Saturday night, while West Coast gained a few more injury concerns, namely MacKenzie (unlikely), LeCras (probable) and Kennedy (someone please send WCE a bag of tennis balls this week). Meanwhile, the Cats are, with the exception of Denzel, Vardy and Joel Corey’s never-healing groin (loved the Gra Gra B reference!) have a full, well rested, and managed-to-the-minute list to choose from. (Please step forward, Mr Darren “Ol’ Dirty Bastard” Milburn.)

And finally, the big one, the Cats have experienced all this before. The Eagles should be happy about returning to finals and winning a final, but maybe they’ll be pleased with just that. They might not have the belief that they belong yet. The Cats, on the other hand, have the belief, experience and a chip on their shoulder. (Beating Hawthorn, West Coast and Collingwood in a finals series, the rest of the top 4 I might add, would be a pretty satisfying effort, no?)

The Eagles are very good, don’t get me wrong, but Geelong is better. This whole “don’t jinx it”, or “keep a lid on it” mentality, stops now. It is behind us and beneath us. The Cats are close enough if they’re good enough.

We should be proud and confident in this team – for the past 5 years they’ve given us nothing but good reasons to be.

2011-09-15T22:48:00.002+10:00

Been There, Done That

Take a breath, Cats fans. A lot has happened since we last spoke. So before we look forward, let’s briefly look back at what Big League has missed.

Aug 27: Geelong loses to Sydney in a classic “nobody believed in us”, coupled with an “overly emotional reason to win” and matched by a “we have no real reason to exert ourselves” game. It is Geelong’s first loss at KP since the corresponding fixture in ’07. (By the way, I’ve never witnessed a stadium/gig/crowd/event with more juice, or electricity in the air, or whatever you or Phil Collins wanna call it, than at that game at KP in ’07 when Ablett kicked what seemed to be the winner. Collective loads blown.)

Sep 2: Geelong asshat Collingwood on a Friday night in a game that is difficult to draw any conclusions from. Technically, neither team had anything to gain (or lose) from the result, as ladder position and their first final opponents were locked in regardless of who won and by how much. Instinctively, one sensed Geelong had more to play for, with Collingwood being unanimously rated as their superior and The Cats coming off the above mentioned uninspiring game. There were a couple of incidents that indicated The Magpies were well and truly back on the bus after halftime. Indeed, it’s probable that Collingwood were looking ahead, and just hoping to get through the match unscathed and begin preparing for West Coast. But mentally, and emotionally, there’s only one side of a 96 point result you want to be on. I know Mick Malthouse was quick to dismiss the result (and really, what choice did he have?) but how confident would you have felt about the Cats last week if they’d lost by 96 points?

(Note: While we’re on the subject of asshatting, after the Cats towel up of Melbourne inspired the Demons to fire their coach, what was their next big move? Bringing in Gary “Seriously-I-don’t-want-to-coach-these-clowns” Lyon in some sort of Winston Wolf role to clean house and possibly dismantle the entire front-office structure. His only qualifications being, it would seem, that he kicked a few goals for the club in the 1990s and now sits on the fence between Craig Hutchinson and Grant “Walnut” Thomas. That club is rooted.)

Sep 9: Geelong shows Hawthorn to be the overrated frontrunners they are, on their way to another preliminary final, their fifth in a row. (And really, regardless of any future outcomes, that fact bears some reflection. Five prelims in a row is an awesome achievement, especially considering that in that same amount of time West Coast have gone from Premiers to bottoming out to a Premiership chance again. And yet, Richmond are still languishing at the bottom. I digress...) The Cats took the Hawks best shots and, as often is their want, essentially killed the contest with four goals in five minutes during the third quarter. They looked more like the Geelong we’ve come to love and respect than at any other time this year. Read that last sentence again. This was good opposition, with everything to play for, on a slippery night, in front of what Brian Taylor would call “the big stage” and The Cats put their foot down when it counted and made everybody wonder why, exactly, they’d been talking up Hawthorn’s chances whilst equally forgetting those of the winningest team in AFL history.

Once again, the September specialists stepped up: Sex fingers was knocking it around at will and drifting forward to stick a few; James Kelly, conspicuous by lack of nickname, continued his best season with another excellent performance; Joel Selwood did his best Chumbawamba impression (sorry about that); Tickets/Mr September Bartel just did what he does at this time of year; and Paul Chapman seemed to have some sort of utensil removed from him just in time for finals. And, encouragingly, there were good contributions from unlikely types (Hatchet and West) while also room for improvement from proven players (Matty Scarlett was particularly quiet).

(Note: Unfortunately Daniel Menzel was injured in the process and will be lost for 10 or so months while his ACL heals. Menzel had made his mark on the forward line as one of those guys with ability in the air and on the ground, and indeed at either end of the ground; perhaps a little Andrew Walker-ish? Either way, I hope he’s not missed too much and that someone, I’m looking at you, Paul Chapman, can provide that forward line spark that, when the Cats have it, makes them irresistible.)

The Cats looked sharp. They looked hungry. They looked unbothered by neither opponent nor occasion. And so they should: They're built for this time of year.

2011-08-23T23:10:00.002+10:00

In it to Win it, or, Anyone but Collingwood

I have attempted to write something, anything for this site for several weeks now. I have had ideas come and go: Some good, that I might use later in the finals (like Darren Milburn), and some not so good, that will be forgotten and dismissed as an obvious mistake (like Brent Grgic). Finally I realized what the problem was: It wasn’t that I didn’t have any “good” ideas, it was that I didn’t have any “good and relevant” ideas and, really, any football season is made “good” by how “relevant” your team is. So this equation all comes down to the one, nay, the only question worth asking: Can “we” win the flag, or, rephrased as 2011 specific, can anyone beat Collingwood? Let’s work it out, bottom to top:

The Jim Corr “Unnecessary” Group:
Fremantle
The Dockers are predictably flaky again and, like some sort of bullied schoolkid, have an unhealthy reliance on their big-man-on-campus, Lurch Sandilands. Their other “superstar”, Matthew Pavlich, is so quickly, and unfortunately, developing into the Karl Malone of the AFL that I’m just gonna go ahead and start calling him “The Mailman”.

North Melbourne
I can’t help but like North Melbourne because; a) I used to live there and it’s a great suburb that features one of my favourite pubs which serves my favourite parmi; b) they never beat Geelong; c) I feel extra, oddly connected because of the Scott bros, and d) Drew Petrie has made my otherwise insipid Supercoach team mildly competitive this season. (I lost this week to the top team in the 2nd round of finals. Not a bad result considering most of the season I didn’t make any trades, repeatedly forgot to assign emergencies, managed to make the worst captaincy choices and, for comedy purposes, carried Karmichael Hunt all season.)

Essendon
God, I hate Essendon.

Sydney
This season the Swans seem strangely anonymous, without identity and completely forgettable. Perhaps John Longmire is still finding his feet. Or perhaps they’re so bland that they’re slowly being wiped from the collective AFL fan base’s memory, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind style. I mean, besides Adam Goodes, who is their next best player? Mumford & Son? Kieran Jack? Jesus. Send Mark Ruffalo back in to finish the job. And while he’s there, get rid of the 2008 Grand Final, Beverly Hills Cop 3, Nick Dal Santo’s package, the 2nd date I had with that chick whose name I forgot and every You Am I album after Hourly Daily.

The Jackson Browne “Runnin’ on Empty” Group:
St Kilda
People will say, “don’t write the Saints off”, or, “on their day they can beat anyone”, but don’t be fooled: The Saints want this season over with. Ross Lyon is (or should be) thinking about the Melbourne job and, mentally, the players are already crowding into a Thailand, lady-boy nightclub and shelving rohypnol. They’ve done well to turn their season around after a particularly putrid start, but, like an armed veterinarian to a limping thoroughbred, the sheet is about to be pulled.

Oh, and did I ever tell you about my idea to re-shoot the “Saints Footy!” ad? It would feature the same shitty song but the on-field highlights would be replaced by Riewoldt crying, Kim Duthie in a bikini, Kosi passing out on David Schwartz, various players walking into/out of court, Mick Malthouse calling Stephen Milne a rapist and then looking smugly self-satisfied and, of course, Zac and Nick the Dick. Saints Footy!!

Carlton
Carlton are flat track bullies. They’ve beaten none of the top 4 teams and feasted on the chumps like Port, Melbourne and Richmond. Their key position guys are sketchy, at best (Lachie Henderson? Brett Freakin’ Thornton? Really?), they feature Mrs Watson’s most hated player, Mitch Robinson, and they rely far too much on small forwards for their goals, which as we know, is a September no-no. I’m sick of the hoopla surrounding these assholes. They’re going nowhere. And while we’re here, why was Chris Judd allowed to sign the $1m, outside the salary cap, VISY deal and yet Gary Junior was specifically prevented from making any such arrangement with Frank Costa or any other of the numerous Geelong millionaires? What exactly is Judd’s role at VISY? Can anyone remember him doing anything for them? Does he even sort the recycling from the rubbish at home? At least he’s not writing for The Age anymore, now that was rubbish... (Thank you! Goodnight everyone! Please, try the veal...)

The Colonel Samuel Trautman Memorial “They’re close” Group:
West Coast
A very surprising season for the Coasters will culminate in a top-4 finish and a date with Collingwood round one of the finals. So, to answer our initial query, can the Eagles beat Collingwood? In a word, no: Experience counts for a lot more in post-season action and the Eagles aren’t quite there yet. They are a dangerous team, however, as Geelong fans found out not too long ago. They have a young, developing midfield, two very good ruckmen, some tall forwards who can take grabs, a genuine home ground advantage and the best “frosted-tips-per-player” average in the league, narrowly upsetting St Kilda who was almost single-handedly carried to victory by Jason Gram. Quick question; do they test for PEDs in WA? They do? Ok, forget I said anything... HGH included? All that Tour De France shit too? Yeah? Alright, not a problem... John Worsfold is a pharmacist, right? You’re not sure? I think he is... No, I’m not accusing anyone of anything... Just asking a question... Why so defensive?

Hawthorn
Sigh. This is becoming like a bad horror movie. Not these assholes again. The Cats are going to have a pretty tough assignment first up, but we’ll get to that when we get to that. Is Hawthorn a genuine flag threat? I don’t see it. Their midfield is strong, their forward line is dangerous, but their backline is relying too much on inexperienced, B-graders (Schoenmakers, Murphy, Whitecross, Suckling, Shiels) who haven’t been tested on the big stage (you know, because Hawthorn keep missing the finals). Plus, one should be automatically sceptical of any team who would willingly involve Cameron Bruce and the on-going comedy of his rapidly expanding bald spot; he’s two seasons away from looking like either George Costanza or David Hale.

For all the press they have been getting, they’ve only beaten up a few average teams and played a good half against Carlton. Plus, they played Collingwood earlier in the year, when they were in good form and everyone was talking up their “short-kicking, possession game style” as a Magpie killer. And they got smacked. Next!

The Irish Terry Conklin “Only Team to Beat Them” Group:
Geelong
The premise of this blog is, “Who can beat the Pies?” And so far this year, only one team has done it. Make no mistake, however, Collingwood have been far and away the best team this season and 2011 will go down as one of the greatest seasons in VFL/AFL history – that is, if they win the premiership.

As Geelong supporters know only too well, remarkable seasons tend to be forgotten (or deliberately removed from the memory) if they fail to produce a flag at the end of them. This also confuses idiotic, hyperbole-driven sports writers, who have clamoured to find adjectives for the 2011 Magpies, using words such as “unprecedented” when, really, a perfect precedent exists from only 3 years ago.

In “the season that shall no longer be named”, The Cats finished a staggering 21-1 with a percentage of 162; this year the Maggies are 19-1 with a percentage of 179. The ‘08 Cats were coming off a premiership the year before, as are Collingwood this year. Geelong’s only loss of that season was to Collingwood, Collingwood’s only this year was to Geelong. Some interesting parallels, no?

Are Collingwood tiring after performing at such a frenetic pace for such a long time? Are Geelong better rested, trained to the minute, for a September (October) run? Let’s not forget that there’s still a long way to go and that injuries and sheer dumb luck will surely play their part (I still believe that Tom Harley getting KO’d in ’08 was the biggest reason for losing that day).

Another thing Geelong supporters know, and was painfully demonstrated in 2008, then gloriously demonstrated in 2009, is that you don’t need to be the best team all year, only the best when it counts. Be that as it may, the premiership goes through Collingwood in 2011. But Geelong’s best is more than good enough: It already has been once this year.

2011-07-14T18:45:00.002+10:00

Read Twice and Call Me in the Morning

So it happened. No big deal. It happens to everyone. I mean, sure, it was Essendon but it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a perfectly normal occurrence that all teams go through. Don’t worry about it. We’ll just hug tonight.

Wait, it happened again? Against West Coast.?!? Uh-oh. Time for the Viagra…

Ok, so maybe the analogy doesn’t quite work, but with the shocking similarities in the two losses, it might be time to see whether Geelong has a legitimate dysfunction or if it’s just a case of, “I don’t know what happened… it’s never happened before.”

Let’s take a look at the Cats symptoms and some possible treatments:

Symptom: Slow starts
It was clear in the Essendon game that the Bombers were fired up and treating the game as their Grand Final – and this might be half the problem. Every week Geelong’s opponents are looking to put themselves on the map by taking a big scalp and thus come out super switched on early against the Cats. As the last two weeks has shown us, it often take until the halftime break for the players to mentally switch back on.

Treatment: Besides the mental aspects, Geelong should line-up with their “early-starters” centre square package for the first quarter; guys that hit the field breathing fire, i.e. Paul Chapman. Which should also help the following:

Symptom: No clearances/First possession
This was painfully clear against Essendon as the Cats compiled their lowest possession count since 2006 and also early versus West Coast as Geelong were smashed in the middle.

Treatment: More aggression at the contest and the best clearances players in at the middle. Paging Joel Selwood…

Symptom: Missing targets/Poor disposal
The last few weeks have been so reminiscent of Geelong’s kicking skills circa-2004 that I’m pretty sure I saw Ben Graham at Subi last week fielding half-trackers.

Treatment: Is this a sign of fatigue? Has the dreaded “training load” picked up as we’ve crossed the mid-season point? If so, then a week on the Gold Coast should help.

Symptom: Poor forward line function
Against both Essendon and West Coast Geelong had more inside 50s than their opposition but were unable to convert those chances on the scoreboard. The Cats seemed to lack system and, with P.O.D. not firing, another viable forward target.

Treatment: Geelong need two tall forwards, it’s as simple as that. Vardy has shown promise but has had a quiet two weeks, Mooney is being stashed away for a late run and Hawkins gets his second chance this week. Either way, this needs to be settled before finals.

Symptom: Forward press not working/leaking goals over the back
This is probably a criticism of the forward press in general, as once the zone is broken there is space behind and easy goals to be had.

Treatment: Is there room for a 17-man press? Could you leave a player in the goal square, as goalkeeper defensively and as an easy forward out the other way? How about playing man-on-man for a quarter then zone/press for a quarter? Or changing after a goal is kicked? Wouldn’t this confuse the opposition and possibly give your players a rest?

Symptom: Perhaps the Cats simply aren’t good enough this year
This is what we’ve been hearing from the media for over six months, maybe they’re right?

Treatment: Geelong’s best quarter of football all year was the first quarter of round eight, against Collingwood. If that’s not enough to give you hope, well, I can’t prescribe anything else.

2011-06-29T16:51:00.002+10:00

The Secret of My (club’s) Success

The AFL is quickly moving away from the old model of what makes a good team (or more accurately, a good club. This distinction will become clear later.) Over the past few years, commentators have correctly made the point that it’s often a team’s bottom six players that get you over the line in finals. Most clubs have accepted that star players can only do so much, and when up against more evenly matched competition, it is how the lesser lights perform, how far the drop off is, that will bring success. In 2009, Lenny Hayes and Jimmy Bartel both played excellent Grand Finals, but Shannon Byrnes probably had a better game than Adam Schneider.

With today’s taxing forward press, a shortened bench and an extended season, the model is changing again. But let’s step back for a moment.

Over the past 10 years we’ve seen the flood evolve to the forward press, mid-fielders go from a group of about five to 15 and the bench change from a place of punishment or inadequacy to a self-regulated tool aimed at increasing effectiveness. The result of all this was more high-intensity play, more ground covered by the players, more bench rotations and the accepted knowledge that the game was, each year, becoming “faster than ever”.

The AFL’s governing body acknowledged all this and reacted by shortening the amount of interchange players and implementing the substitution rule. The idea of which, it seems, was to force exhausted players to remain in the game and thus lower the intensity, for periods at least, which would allow the game to “open up”; if players are too tired to constantly chase their opponent or effectively deploy a full press, then free-flowing play and goals should be easier to come by. In short, the AFL wanted to improve the spectacle.

As a fan, and initially a sceptic of the sub rule (or at least sceptical of it being brought into the season proper with a pre-season trial) I can say that the rule has pretty much achieved what the AFL hoped it would: The games are great to watch and they usually do open up in the second half as players begin to fatigue. Plus, there is the bonus of a return to the old-school tactic of your best on-ballers “resting” in the forward pocket, and the extra, interesting tactical angle of whom to make the sub and when to deploy him. The players, however, do not seem to be as enthusiastic.

Considering this is the first season of the sub rule, most times a player does media he is asked about it. And the prevailing sentiment is, “we are tiring more quickly and more thoroughly”. Indeed, as the players and AFL have been conducting their collective bargaining, the issue has come up: Players would prefer an extra bench player, a short season and shorter games (as well as more money).

So it appears we have the game itself looking as good and as entertaining as it ever has, only it’s coming at the expense of the player’s fitness and (perhaps) career longevity. Players are going to wear out as the year goes on, or may even submit to “fatigue” injuries more readily. So how does this impact the success and/or failure of the teams we support? (That’s right, I’m finally getting around to my point and the flimsy Michael J. Fox title tie-in.)

One of the great successes of Chris Scott in his first half a season of coaching (apart from not losing, of course) has been his embracing of change. Each week the Cats have made 3-4 changes, something that would normally be counterintuitive to the idea of team and continuity, but which has had a positive, two-fold effect on the team: One, he has regularly rested experienced players (only Joel Corey and Travis Varcoe have played every game thus far) and he has continued to promote and then maintain the younger brigade. What Scott is doing, essentially, is applying the English soccer model of managing a squad rather just playing the best available team. But this isn’t the secret I’m talking about.

The secret lies in the AFL’s ugly stepsister, the VFL. Only two AFL clubs run their VFL counterparts: Geelong and Collingwood. What this does is give the player a consistent message and experience, not only week to week, but also season to season. Obviously other AFL clubs and their affiliates would have plenty of communication and insight into each other but it cannot compare to the all-encompassing experience Geelong and Collingwood players receive.

Going back to the VFL for most players means a different coach, different instructions, perhaps a different position, new teammates, a different location and different expectation. For the Cats and Magpies, the message, the methods and feedback are consistent and continuous all the way through. That has to be a massive advantage: Even simple things such as training together and getting to know each other help build a team.

It’s even worse for the SA and WA teams; their players not only go back to the local state league of competition, but they all go to different teams. (Not surprisingly, I recently read that the Eagles have been in discussion with the WAFL to operate their own team next year, mirroring the Geelong a Collingwood experience. A wise move, it would seem.)

When Geelong made seven changes to their side last week, given the opposition and home ground advantage, most still expected them to win. What was surprising, however, was how seamlessly guys who either hadn’t played seniors at all (Mitch Brown) or haven’t played in over a year (Motlop, Gillies, Simpson) slotted in and looked like senior players: They knew exactly what was expected of them as lesser parts of a greater whole.

Developing that squad of 35 or so players, all together, has seen the adjustment period not only shortened but seemingly removed completely. Granted, it is only year one of the substitution rule and of Chris Scott, but if the first 3 months are anything to go by, we are literally on a winner.

2011-06-15T17:10:00.002+10:00

Call and Response

Thanks to atilla, Tee, the two Chris Jacksons (seriously, one of you has to become Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf), Baxter, BTO, MattyP and Dr Seuss for contributing. And sorry I didn’t answer all the questions but we’ll do this again in the near future. Without further ado…

Why the fuck isn't Max Rooke the Cats tackling coach?

Rather than tackling coach, I’d like to see Max Rooke in charge of something a little more abstract at Catland. I’d like him to encourage Daniel Menzel to grow some weird facial hair; to recommend a second hand car to Allen Christiansen; or to take Nathan Vardy to a Polvo reunion gig. I guess you would call him something like ‘cultural affairs officer’ or ‘Dude who hangs around and makes sure everything is awesome’.

Why did Fox Footy let Tiffany Cherry go? Why do we get David King instead? Would even Freo agree to such a trade?

I cannot comment on Tiffany Cherry, other than not since Misty Hymen have we seen such a porn-ready name. I do, however, always get a kick out of seeing who Fox Sports trot out for the Sunday, twilight, “Freo v Sydney” type games. Safe to say you’re deep in “B-team” territory when you find yourself saying, “Dear God, is that Tony Shaw? I miss Glenn Jakovich.”

Does the absence of Shan Shan and Silkworm, coupled with our unbeaten start to the season, prove we were right about them all along? Actually, I'll answer that one - too fucking right it does.

Although this has already been answered, and correctly, I might add, I’ll speak to a larger point: The rotation of players through the team we see each week is fantastic man management by Chris Scott. Under Lips the team rarely changed and he did seem to have his favourites, like Monty and Silkworm, but Scott has made 3-4 changes every week, and although its probably true that the players are legitimately not 100% fit, the same could be said for every player in the league. So, this rotation is most definitely “resting” but it also has another, massive positive; experience and game time for the younger brigade you couldn’t get into the side under Lips. This year we’ve seen Vardy, Christiansen, Cowan and Cam Guthrie (the bloke that everyone forgotten from round 1, who deserved his spot after a great preseason) all debut, plus more consistent game time for Taylor Hunt, Fletch and Menzel (who Mrs Watson and I were calling “Dog Junior” for a while due to his uncanny biomechanical resemblance to Steve Johnson. This, I should point out though, is NOT an endorsed Mrs W nickname. He’s still working on it, which, from what I can see, involves him drinking 3-4 IPAs, insulting every opposing player and then randomly coming up with gold.) Scott has also publically commented that Mitch Brown will get his chance soon and that Steve Motlop is a chance too. And, as I pointed out to Big League sympathizer Parker not long ago, the bloke everyone was most excited about from last years draft, who apparently has a bit of Goddard about him, Billy Smedts, is still up their 2012 sleeve. God, when Mrs W sees him that’s gonna be some nickname.

Does Brent Moloney look slow? Or does he just not blink much?

Brent Maloney is “The Situation” of the AFL. He would also be leading Melbourne’s Best & Fairest. By a mile.

Falou or K-Hunt?

Is there a third option? I haven’t seen anything of Falou, and very little of Karmichael, so, based on the extensive range of multivitamins he consumes and all the international training he seems to do, I’d probably take... Wait, Folou’s first name is Israel, right? And that means I’d get to call him Izzy? Yea, Izzy, I’d take Izzy.

Can we officially lay to rest rock music?

You mean in the sense that everything in the charts seems to be soulless, auto-tuned, over-marketed, tween-fap produced from, as Bill Hicks might say, “corporate suckers of Satan’s cock”? Who cares. Let the baby have its bottle. As long as Bob Pollard is alive, I’m ok.

Does Mitch Duncan run like a girl?

C’mon, that’s a cheap shot. I will not have a bad word said about “Fletch”.

Does Daniel Menzel like look Justine Bateman circa 1986?

Careful, you’ve been warned. (Note: I think the Family Ties repeats underestimate the perceived hotness of Justine Bateman during her TV prime. It’s easy to watch now and judge, but back then she was considered a genuine hottie. Then again, that may have been due to years of working next to Tina Yothers. Ugh, I’d rather bang Michael Gross.)

Has Justin Koschitzke usurped Mark Blake as the worst regular senior footballer in the league?

My theory is that West Coast’s Mark Nicoski is the worst player in the AFL, and has been for some time, but just like good players in WA are sometimes ignored by the larger (read: Victorian) football media, so to do the assholes. As for the on-going Kosi rubbishness, it is a constant source of enjoyment for Mrs Watson and I, W especially. And I never tire of Grant Thomas on Footy Classified explaining that all Kosi needs is a bit of freedom and confidence that “a run in the ruck” will provide: I hate to break it to you, Walnut, but that ship sailed around the time that he started running into inanimate objects and collapsing into the arms of various TV presenters.

How the FUCK did Nick Maxwell get a media gig?

That Nick Maxwell is able to achieve a lot of things is a mystery, but this idea of employing active players as commentators is bizarre. I mean, I know they want to get into the media and they’re supposed to give us an insider’s view, but won’t somebody please think of the recently retired players?! This seems to be the career options for ex-AFL players: Assistant coach, commentator/media role or drug addled, gambling-addicted adulterer. And it’s this last category that needs to be given the “special comments” jobs. I’m not interested in Tom Harley talking about body-positioning for key defenders, I want Ben Cousins’ insight on the post-game party scene in Sydney, or Fev telling a hilarious story about the time he dropped 40K at the Adelaide casino and then pegged Simon Goodwin’s wife. Get on it, One HD!

Are the Saints higher/lower on the 'karma-scale' than they deserve?

They’re probably still better off than they should be, considering they’re inflicted Steven Baker, Stephen “Allegedly” Milne, Grant “Walnut” Thomas, Nick Riewold’t cock and the hair stylings of Jason Gram upon us. I think the “St Kilda schoolgirl”, Kim Duthie, is bat-shit crazy, however and she seems a prime candidate for the “rabbit-head-in-the-soup” trick. (By the way, do we have a more current yardstick that Fatal Attraction for insane women? Surely there’s something more recent we can use. Suggestions?) The one person who has yet to receive their cosmic comeuppance, however, is Ricky Nixon. Besides all the usual slime-ball/soul glow remarks to be made here, (btw, I think Shane Mumford has the same hairdresser) Nixon has put on a clinic on “how not to run a public relations campaign”. Pretty safe to now add “professionally incompetent” to his list of charges.

Would Ottens, Byrnes, Mackie and Wojcinski make a good barber-shop quartet?

Or Law firm. Or a below average starting centre-square.

Can the big German take the Mavs over the top of Wade & his sidekicks?

I didn’t get to this one in time, but will give you my take on the NBA anyway. Firstly, after the Chicago series, I was all aboard Miami: Their defence was awesome, Mike Miller’s corpse was resuscitated, Haslem looked confident again and they finally figured out that Mario Chalmers is to Mike Bibby as Kim Kardashian is to Chloe. Plus, LBJ looked like he could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. As for Dallas, Dirk was Dirk but their backcourt rotation of Kidd, Terry and Barea couldn’t guard me at this point. With home court advantage I was expecting Miami in 6 games. So what happened? LeBron was below par, simple as that. As to why, well speculation ranges from “he was tired” to, “he has no dick”: So which one is it? How will LBJ and Miami respond? Will the failure fuel LeBron to work out all off-season, develop a low-post game, learn to play off the ball and get a go-to-move so he doesn’t just jack off-balance 3s when the game is close? Will they fire coach Spoelstra? Or trade Bosh? For a team that’s only played together 8 or 9 months I think the Heat had a great season. If they can find a better way to utilize their weapons offensively (were Wade and James EVER in a pick n roll?) they’ll be right back in the Finals. And only then, will we have an answer on LeBron.

Where should I spend this New Years Eve: South America, Europe or Africa?

Interesting choices... How do you feel about AIDS?

Finally, not a question, but a comment: I understand that the match review panel will occasionally offer up some inconsistencies as there are some grey areas in the game and the way charges are assessed. However, the Joel Selwood case seems absurd, even for the MRP. Consider the following: He has a squeaky-clean tribunal record, apparently dating all the way back to under 10s; the footage is inconclusive at best; and he testified that he did not deliberately strike him. For the MRP to then suspend him for four weeks, when Dale Thomas served one and Campbell Brown two, is not only baffling but insulting. Appeal that shit.

2011-06-08T11:27:00.002+10:00

Random Thoughts, or, Hey Mrs Watson!

Dane Swan going to Arizona for 12 days to help his injury recovery is like Charlie Sheen stopping by the Betty Ford Clinic for lunch.

What was stranger about Dale Thomas challenging punching Clinton Jones in the face? a) Thomas claiming he was actually trying to punch the ball; b) the media thinking he was a legitimate Brownlow chance, or; c) The Saints admitting that Jones has herpes?

Good to see Matty Scarlett get forward and kick a goal. And gee, didn’t he look keen to kick one? I’d like to encourage the moving of Scarlo to full-forward as The Cats own personal victory cigar. I mean, imagine the crowd response when the runner comes out late in the 4th quarter and Scarlo begins the jog to the other end…

So, is it too early for Mark Blake to be looking for property in Western Sydney?

The Dalai Lama’s words of wisdom for Harry O’Brien: “The world is as we see it and not as we see it; just like you, it’s a fucking mirage.”

I’m not saying the Bulldogs have given up on Rodney Eade but I’m pretty sure the only thing they talked about at halftime was who got shotgun on the bus ride home.

Does anyone enjoy the work of Stephen Quartermain? I mean, anyone?

Speaking of annoying, self-absorbed twats in the media, when did Dermott Brereton sneak back in to football commentary? I thought we had banished him to Getaway or Postcards or some other rubbish that I don’t watch. He seriously has a point or counter-point about anything and everything. FFS. And… if he says it a little slower… and with his head cocked slightly to one side… perhaps with an eyebrow raised… he thinks it makes it seem… more insightful.

Apparently Cyril Rioli had to be ordered by Hawthorn to stop eating turtles. I can’t even think of a joke.

Hear me out… Tom Hawkins for Jack Watts… Who says no to that trade?

Does anyone know what Jason Davenport’s hair looks like this year? I just want to give the rest of the league the heads up early, I mean, they don’t want to look like assholes…

Is Brent Maloney Melbourne’s best player? Would he, or anyone else from Melbourne, squeeze into Geelong’s best 22? Actually, I’d take Tom Scully over him in a heartbeat. Sorry twinkles.

Attention Nick Maxwell: That “soul patch” can be removed with a regular, every day razor. It’ll come right off. Promise.

Note: Feel free to leave any questions, AFL related or not, in the comments and if we get enough I’ll do a mailbag-blog, aka, “not having to come up with my own ideas”. Good times.

2011-05-18T21:29:00.004+10:00

Short Memory, or, How Not To Be Surprised

With the ever-increasing demand for new and up to date information, it’s hard to blame the media. We, as a society, are constantly looking forward, projecting and predicting, trying to see how and where the things we experience now will fit into our future. We are in a rush to know what today means in terms of tomorrow. As a result, we quickly forget yesterday.

For the past four or five weeks we have bombarded with stories, news segments, radio shows and constant chatter about how good Collingwood are and just how many premierships they’re going to win in a row. On “Before The Game”, a few weeks back, Andy Maher went as far as to raise the question of them being the greatest team of all time, saying “we” hadn’t seen a period of dominance like this for a very long time.

This absurdity was uttered in the very same month that Geelong would go on to claim the greatest ever AFL/VFL record over 100 games, winning an amazing 85 of them. This was also in the shadow of Geelong’s last four years in which they crushed every team in their way for months on end, won two premierships, made a Grand Final and a prelim and changed the way the game was played, for all the right reasons.

And what, exactly, had Collingwood done to deserve such lofty claims? At this time last year they were a part of the pack and by seasons end they needed two weeks to claim a premiership that St Kilda were always destined to slip away for, as it turned out, a third time.

Crowning Collingwood now, as Maher and others had been doing for weeks, based on a very good second half of last season and a pretty good start to this one, is not only premature and fraught with danger, but the perfect example of this presented itself not three years ago: As 2008 taught us, they don’t give away flags.

Meanwhile, The Cats made off-season made headlines for the wrong reasons, yet, when they began the season without loss, they continued to be written off. Surely the story was overcoming the loss of premiership winning coach and Brownlow medallist midfielder and continuing to succeed at the highest level when previous contenders, St Kilda and the Western Bulldogs, had so dramatically dropped off.

A few backs, in his increasingly irrelevant column, Mike Sheahan went as far as to raise the question of Geelong being completely finished. That a few days later Geelong would put Hawthorn away after previous impressive wins against Fremantle and Sydney, both away, to remain undefeated, wasn’t even the worst of it: It was the completely ill-considered angle of the article.

Mike claimed that Geelong was “getting by on the class of their top half-dozen” and then went on to list nine players while also noting that the inclusion of Hunt, Menzel and Duncan was “wise” and that they “command places in the best 22”. So, for the record, that’s 12 “top half-dozen” players.

He then went on to say Hawthorn, the ultimate “top half-dozen” team, were in better shape, and yet he could only list five players for them, and that included perennial mirages Cyril Rioli and Shaun Burgoyne. This made absolutely no sense.

When Geelong and Collingwood met last Friday night, the two only unbeaten teams in the league, the money line blew out in Collingwood’s favour, with The Cats drifting out to an outrageous $3 and beyond. It seems everyone had forgotten the two flags, the 85/100, the unbeaten start to the year and the giant chip that settled squarely on Geelong’s shoulder sometime in September 2010.

Now, in the aftermath of (for most people) an unexpected victory, the media have again found a new issue to jump on, the, admittedly misguided and confusing, advantage rule. And Geelong’s early dominance, continued fight and late-game nerve to defeat the seemingly invincible Collingwood will, again, be forgotten.

2011-05-09T19:03:00.001+10:00

Coach Watch

It’s all been about coaches this week; the Scott brothers going head to head, Dean Bailey fighting for his job and Neil Craig losing his shit. So, with that in mind, let’s look at the state of the league’s coaches, from worst to first.

Brisbane Lions: Watching Voss’ post game press conferences it’s impossible to tell whether Brisbane has won or lost. I’m almost certain this isn’t a good thing.

Port Adelaide: As Mrs Watson so succinctly summed up, “I can’t believe Matthew Primus is in charge of an AFL club.”

North Melbourne: Brad Scott seems reasonably smart, dedicated and hard working. Unfortunately his team prominently features Michael Firrito. Seriously, they should have gone to the Gold Coast.

St Kilda: Ross Lyon reminds me of Homer Simpson at the moment, chasing after his ruined roast pig, telling anyone who’ll listen, “It’s still good! It’s still good!”

Gold Coast: I am completely indifferent to the Suns at this stage, but I do have a general, vague dislike of Guy McKenna that no-one can talk me out of.

Adelaide: I think Neil Craig is starting to turn. Once a controlled and composed tactician and thinker, he is now using ambiguous game footage to settle unknown quarrels with unidentified media members. Some Blight-esque antics surely can’t be far away.

Western Bulldogs: Rodney Eade is going to be the best special comments man on Channel 7 next year.

West Coast: Worsfold’s a twat.

Richmond: The real beauty of Richmond’s current renaissance is not the good job that Damien Hardwick is doing, but that it only goes to magnify the ultimate and complete failure that was Terry Wallace.

Sydney: Not much to go on with John “The Horse” Longmire. Sydney is right where they should be. (And since I have nothing else to add, here’s some unrelated Mrs Watson gold: “I want to do a modern remake of Moby Dick: It will be set on a Japanese whaler and at the end they just spear the c#nt and drag him onboard.”)

Melbourne: Melbourne coming out and flogging Adelaide was a good sign for Dean Bailey and, really, the only possible result for them to be taken seriously. I still think Maloney should be captain, however.

Fremantle: Whenever I think of Mark Harvey I envision him as a contestant on the British TV quiz show “Mastermind”. As the host continues to fire questions at Harvey, (“What is the capital of Zaire? Who invented the electric lightbulb? In what year was the French revolution?”) he stares blankly, mouth agape, uncomprehending, unmoved and completely silent.

Hawthorn: For a team that seemingly has a lot of talent yet constantly falls short of expectation and is consistently inconsistent, Alistair Clarkson seems to escape criticism. I wonder, for example, how the Hawks would go with Rocket Eade as coach and how the angry midget would go at the Dogs?

Carlton: Chris Judd saved Brett Ratten’s job, make no mistake about it. Ratten just seems out of his depth to me, but they seem to be going alright, so what the Hell do I know?

Essendon: As Mrs Watson knows, my hatred for Essendon runs deep and irrational, and their current success only fuels that fire. Last weekend, speaking to my Dad about the Cats, he dropped this without provocation: “We just have to beat Essendon and James Hird, the arrogant bastard.” Well said, Dad, well said.

Geelong: What can we say about Chris Scott? So far the defence looks a little more solid, the players seem rejuvenated and Geelong is undefeated. When he speaks to the media he seems humble, straight forward and just generally like he knows what he’s doing. Tactically Geelong seem a little more willing to kick long to a contest and also hold the ball up when required. He’s played James Kelly in the midfield a lot more than Thompson did and Kelly is responding with his best season to date. He’s committed to the next generation of players (Menzel, Duncan, Hunt, etc) and rightfully so. It’s early, but so far Chris Scott looks the goods.

Collingwood: Ahh, Mick...

2011-04-12T12:49:00.002+10:00

A Game of Change

I gotta say, it’s been great having football back in my life again. The weather turns colder, the beer turns darker and suddenly I have something to do every weekend. Not to mention how much Mrs Watson perks up (he has spent most of the past week convincing me of his love for Jimmy Bartel).

I wasn’t quite as excited for the start of the season as I normally am. But once the Blue & White hoops hit the field, some primal part of the brain is once again triggered and most social etiquettes fly away faster than a one-way Jetstar flight to the Gold Coast. Yes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

And change they have.

Last weekend Mrs Watson and I watched Gold Coast Gary and the Schoolies receive an official asshat as Big League friend Parker looked on in disgust at Junior wearing the wrong number on the wrong jumper. We wondered if either of them would ever be the same.

The remedy came immediately following the Gold Coast game, as The Cats, minus a few from their best 22 (21?) trotted onto Subi just as we refuelled pint glasses. I don’t think we expected to win, a foreign feeling to a Geelong supporter of late, and indeed an entertaining arm wrestle ensued.

Due to my thinking that he looked different every time I saw him, Mrs Watson settled on “Fletch” for Mitch Duncan, some of his finest work. Meanwhile, Fletch himself settled on a half-forward flank, and with fellow newcomer (currently un-nicknamed) Daniel Menzel, proceeded to win us the game. Jimmy “Mr 4th Quarter” Bartel again did the business and Corey Enright probably scored himself 3 Brownlow votes.

Collingwood, meanwhile, who needed two weeks to beat St Kilda to the premiership last season, have started this season by defeating juggernauts Port Adelaide, North Melbourne and Carlton, which has inspired the media to begin comparing them to Brisbane’s treble winning team of a few years back. To paraphrase Mr. Winston Wolf, let’s not start patting each other on the back just yet. Oh, and the Mighty Pies play Richmond this week. Must be tough continually getting such a hard schedule.

At the opposite end, The Saints may have finally had enough. Geelong broke their resolve in round one, Richmond broke their hearts in round two and in round three Essendon exposed them as simply broken. Funnily enough, in the current day, idiotic, over-sensitive media, Grant “Walnut” Thomas might just be the sanest man in football.

This week Campbell Brown belted two people, Jack Riewoldt flipped someone off, Brent Maloney may or may not have pissed on a bar and Kim Duthie continues the crazy as the media keep the band playing so she can keep dancing.

The media swirl has also continued around Geelong’s former coach and Geelong’s former star player, two guys that took most of the Kardinia Park headlines of the past few years: Lips’ new team is flying and apparently Gary is doing a bit too much flying himself.

And throughout it all, Geelong has remained the same team we’ve come to expect; committed to the last man, competitive to the very end, compelling to watch and, importantly, currently undefeated.

Chris Scott has said a few times already that he’s continually surprised by the team’s resilience, by their character and by their refusal to accept defeat: “We could easily have been 0-2,” he said following the win over Port Adelaide. What he didn’t say, and what he didn't need to, was that they weren’t; that good teams find ways to win when they probably shouldn’t and that the more things change, the more things stay the same.

2011-03-26T16:50:00.005+11:00

The Running Diary

What better way to kick off the 2011 season than with everyone’s favourite ripped off idea, a running diary of Geelong v St Kilda!

Pre-game

8:25pm Here we are, live from The Captain’s Lodge, with 6 Otway Ales, captain’s table crackers (appropriate), chunky roasted pepper dip and a last minute inclusion, a Mersey Valley cheese wheel! Good times!

8:27 Well, when I said live I should have pointed out that I’m actually watching on an hour delay while Channel airs Better Homes and Gardens and On the Buses. Really? That’s what’s happening in 2011? With three channels of programming to choose from we still have to wait for a British comedy that’s so old it’s showing in black & white? They’re taking the piss at this point. This is not only unacceptable it’s completely fucking insulting. The AFL cannot allow this to happen; either air it live or give it back to Channel 9. Thank you, everybody.

8:30 Here we go… Dark screen… Atmospheric music… I’m sensing deep voice man… No! That’s Tom Harley! What’s he doing? His voice is way too high for this!

8:33 Take note of the “Channel 7 mega wall”, a split screen that shows up to eight different cameras: Take note, because we won’t see it again for the rest of the night.
(Note: From here on in I’ll use the game clock to signify time.)

1st Quarter:

19:50 Mooney takes an easy grab within a minute, 35m out, direct in front. Why is Zac Dawson still employed… Oh wait… Mooney kicks it on the full. Maybe it was a ploy.

18:51 Dal santo misses on the run as I fumble and ultimately miss a chance at a “small dick” joke.

18:18 Stokes kicks into a defender right in front of him when he had a man open in the goal square. I don’t like his effort, or lack thereof, and I wonder how long he will remain in the team under Scott. I hope he’s matched up on Gram at some stage. Actually, I take that back. It would only lead to some pre-cooked, half-assed Denis Commetti line. Fuck off, old man, you’re not funny.

16:45 Wait… I can’t get this in HD? With three effing-channels available? WTF CHANNEL 7?

15:29 Riewoldt gets a free kick which, as far as I can tell, was for sporting Jason Davenport’s 2009 haircut. Tom Lonergan needs some clippers, ASAP.

14:27 Geelong kicking badly, in front of goal and in general play, but they’re looking ok. They’re competing and constantly seem on the verge of busting the zone.

13:54 Chris Scott looks weird in the booth, I guess it’ll take some getting used to after 10 years of Lips. I mean, it’s a pretty hard act to follow, unlike when Thompson followed Gary Ayres. The bar was so low that he could have mailed in a whole season, made our best player leave and then signed with the opposition… Oh, wait.

13:01 Who’s more over-rated: Goddard, Hayes or Clinton Jones? Not who’s better, but who’s more overrated. Think about it.

11:40 On Cue, Goddard kicks a goal. He also has Jason Davenport’s hair.

10:55 Gamble is the Saints best 21? I give that about 3 weeks.

9:33 Is it too much to ask someone to knock Nick Dal Santo unconscious… every week?

9:00 Once again Stokes doesn’t look up to it. He needs to lift. Get his dealer on the phone. (Thank you! Goodnight everyone!)

8:32 Maybe I’m out of form too, but these umpires must have been involved with production of the St Kilda propaganda DVD “The bubble”.

7:14 The last kick into the forward line is killing Geelong, which is consistently a problem, for most teams, and especially against St Kilda.

5:14 Ok, this is probably the result of 3 different umpires and vantage points and all that, but it annoys me endlessly regardless: The same free kick the Saints got 5 minutes ago just happened to Joel Corey and no free kick is paid. I’m in good whinging form already.

4:01 Joel Selwood slides face first, completely unprotected, into a contest and gets cleaned up. The contact looks incidental but he has not moved. Ouch. I guess we’ll see the sub come into play. While we’re here, we haven’t really seen the sub rule in play so it’s a little early to start writing it off, however, having said that, isn’t this exactly what the pre season comp is for? To trial these fucking things? And how did Kevin Bartlett get on the rules committee? That’s who we want legislating the modern AFL; a bitter old man who hasn’t played for 35 years, never handpassed when he did play and who now has a radio show that borders on an dementia. Terrific choice.

2:17 I just missed this due to my anti-KB rant: Riewoldt getting awarded either a mark or a free when neither occurred.

2:00 Now a phantom to free is awarded to Farren Ray. The umps must be involved in the DVD.

1:17 The “Geelong look like they’re missing Ablett” call from the commentators comes slightly early: I was betting midway through the second quarter.

0:58 An amazing Bartel handpass leads to a chance but Varcoe misses on the run. He gathered the ball with one outstretched hand and then swang his free arm to meet it in the same motion. Incredible. I need to see that again. Alas, no replay.

End of first: Geelong 4, St Kilda 17.
The Cats haven’t looked as bad as the score may suggest but have definitely looked sloppy at times. Joel Corey’s been good, Mitch Duncan has been impressive and Guthrie has looked good in his first game. Bartel has been quiet and can we please get Steve Johnson out of the midfield and into the forward 50?

2nd Quarter

19:00 Mitch Duncan kicks the first with an underground, bouncing ball. He summed that up nicely; showed poise and found the goals, which is something I don’t think you can teach. Plus, he looks different every time I look at him. I am baffled by this.

18:18 As Jason Blake misses a goal, Bruce McAvaney just referred to “Rosco” Lyon. Not sure if he meant the St Kilda coach or the Dukes of Hazard character. Also worth mentioning that Jason is the only Blake we’ll be seeing tonite.

15:42 Early stages here in the 2nd but Geelong looking better this quarter. Dog Johnson gets a free in the forward pocket on a tight angle: What are the odds he plays on? Even? 1-to-2 on?

15:32 Yep, he tried it, but gets another attempt due to one of those bizarre umpire things where the advantage rule, and the very spirit of why it was introduced in the first place, is over-ruled because someone was not perfectly in line with the correct angle. Ridiculous. Johnson hits the post. 1.5 now for Geelong.

14:21 Man, it’s really hard to watch the game, take it all in and make interesting/entertaining notes. Everything is happening too fast. I need some of those drugs from “Limitless”.

13:40 I heard they’re reopening the Milne rape case… Seriously, I heard this from a half reliable guy… I’m just saying… Allegedly.

12:01 For the first time in a long time Geelong are playing a spare man in defence. I guess Chris Scott wants to clamp down the back half.

11:02 Lenny Hayes is rubbish. There, I said it. He starts this sequence by ducking into a tackle and getting a free kick. Then Enright gets one, Scarlett gets one down the ground, Varcoe turns it over and the advantage, which was none, is paid. Ball up in the centre of the ground. What just happened? I’m confused. I think the umpires are still using NAB Cup rules.

8:33 Wojcinski has been good so far and Varcoe is working his way into the game. This year we need these two guys to really step up and use their speed in an otherwise one-paced midfield.

7:58 Steven Baker just looks like a knucklehead. Wait, I take that back. A criminal, he looks like a fucking criminal.

5:23 Bartel is also working “the Davenport” haircut as another behind to Geelong takes them to 1.7

3:00 Thanks Ross Lyon. This is borderline unwatchable.

2:33 The umpire invokes a senseless rule, about having two players of the same team in a pack tackle, that will be completely forgotten about by Round 6. Thanks again, KB and also to Jeff Geischen, who hangs on to his job by implementing new rules that are aimed at combating his previously created unnecessary rules that were never trialled in the pre-season. Do I have to do everything around here?

0:35 Cats just seem a second too slow, a meter too short, a handpass too many… This is starting to sound like an Al Pacino speech.

Halftime: Geelong 13, St Kilda 21
The back line has been ok, for both teams, and the final kick into the F50 is what is tough, thanks to the extra man back. Personally, the Otway Ale is not bad, I ate too much cheese and I remain unconvinced about the specialised “dipping” shape of the captain’s table crackers. I need a break.

The halftime “kids little league” is the worst tradition in AFL, closely followed by running through a crepe paper banner and date raping fans… What?

3rd Quarter

19:41 The second half starts with another rubbish free kick to Hayes as I let go of the season’s first series of F-bombs directed towards an inanimate object. I still think Hayes is overrated.

19:13 Geez, Scotty, even Bruce is calling for Johnson to go forward.

17:51 And now Lethal has climbed aboard the “SJ needs to start forward” bandwagon. (Side note: Have you noticed how he does that? He regularly piggybacks himself on to someone else’s idea. Also, his speech impediment is still hilarious.)

17:26 How about this: Move Bartel into the middle and Dog can take his place forward.

16:40 Geelong is starting to get some free kicks. I’ve probably been a bit harsh on the umpires, which I don’t normally like to do. Or maybe they watched the rest of the Saints DVD at halftime and got to the bit where Lenny Hayes cries.

16:10 Ryan Gamble kicks the cheapest of goals as his man was streaking towards the other end. I look forward to him taking VFL mark on the year.

14:57 Joel Corey has been great. Mooney, not so much.

14:27 Interesting 50m penalty awarded against Josh Hunt. I say “interesting” because I was about to go Christian Bale on the umpires but, after seeing the replay, it was probably there. Saints kick away to a big lead… Wait, they’re only up 20 points? This is a good thing. It feels like they’re up by 45.

13:28 Steve Johnson is one of those rare players who both supporters and opposition fans will consistently call a prick.

13:12 Daniel Menzel gets a kick, possibly numero uno. I probably should have seen that coming seeing as tho I compared him to Tristan Lynch a couple of weeks back.

12:28 Raph Clarke is on the deck again.

11:44 Again, Ryan Gamble is the Saints best 21?

10:56 Corey Enright kicks out of bounds on the full. This is terrible, or as Leigh would say, tewwible.

9:17 Geelong finally has a chance at only it’s second goal but once again Mooney sprays it wide. He needs to start kicking them left foot or something. At this point he’s like a cross between British Open Greg Norman and post-Goose’s death Maverick.

8:14 Over halfway through the 3rd and Geelong has 15 points? All this effort for nothing? This is like watching a Chloe Sevigny movie where she doesn’t take her shirt off. Maybe it’s time for my patented “why don’t they throw Milburn forward” call?

7:25 Brendan Goddard returns to the field with a bandage covering half his head. I believe he just heard that Jason Daneport is now rocking “The Bandage” look.

5:08 After a neat pass from Dog Johnson, Joel Corey kicks a goal from a very tight angle set shot. The Cats needed that badly. Joel Corey has been best on ground for Geelong so far. He missed a lot of games last season and I think his contribution was not only greatly missed but also underrated. I’m almost positive that last sentence made sense.

4:45 Another goal! The flying Wojcinski returns! (I’d be more excited but, you know, it’s not live, screw you channel 7, etc…)

4:27 Steve Johnson… Just, no. (As Mrs Watson would later say, “It’s not an all-star game; not every possession has to be a highlight.”)

3:45 The line between “he played-on/you stepped over the mark” is extremely blurred.

2:58 Duncan! Wrestles his opponent with one arm and takes the chest mark as he’s falling down with the other; shades of Ablett senior! Is there a bit of Hugh Jackman about him? Is that it? He has the opposite of HTS. Two point game!

1:28 The Cats now have a sniff and look up and about. Meanwhile, Riewoldt is limping around seconds after the Saints just used their substitute.

0:40 The crowd jeers Hawkins as he takes a mark. Have we hit that point with him? Hats off to Mrs Watson who called very early on (maybe his first few games) that Hawkins is what he is. Also worth noting, there was a “Sports Tonight” story today about Hawkins taking a part-time job with a butcher and I immediately pictured him fumbling and eventually dropping various cuts of meat. Not good times.

0:16 Another rubbish kick from Stokes. I’m calling it right now; axe him.

End of the 3rd Quarter: Geelong 34, St Kilda 35
Just saw a replay of why Riewoldt was hobbling: Scarlett absolutely nailed him with an elbow to the body. Wow. Love it. And on the same day after calling him the best player in the league “by a fair margin”. Scarlett’s a complex guy.

4th Quarter

19:05 Another absurd missed free kick. I have to stop writing these down. I’m bumming myself out.

17:43 Bartel. Goal. I’m speechless.

16:50 Is it too early for goal of the year?

15:46 I’m serious. That was an unbelievable goal. And it gives Geelong the lead. Hmm, throughout this whole running diary I seem to have failed to include any score updates. Brilliant.

15:15 Saints answer as Ben McEvoy somehow bounces one through from a 45m set sot as the commentators scramble to get in first with “that’s a cardinal sin”. Saints lead by 1. (Better late than never with the score updates.)

14:26 Another missed free kick.

14:05 A missed 50m penalty.

13:30 Tied game, 41 a piece. This game is more low-scoring than my entire high school experience.

12:40 Look, I hate complaining about umpires but they’ve had more fuck ups than I‘ve spelling mistakes trying to take these rushed notes. (Unedited version looks like this: look I hae complaing about thatipmirs buw thaybe had more fuck ups in this gae ifan ive had spemibg mistaes.) Notice how the only word my fingers instinctually got correct was a swear word. Uncanny.

10:36 Frenetic passage of play which left me momentarily unable to type. The game has definitely gone up a couple of notches.

9:06 The classic “Gamble half-assed effort” shows itself as he attempts a one-handed effort in the middle of the ground when the Saints really needed a better contest. I wonder what number he’ll wear for Sandringham?

7:43 This has turned into an arm wrestle and is gonna be a heart breaker either way it goes; scores still tied.

7:18 The reanimated corpse of Brad Ottens takes a grab just inside the 50m line. Tom Harley says that he’d be a chance “at his absolute best”. Given that I just called him a “reanimated corpse” I’m not expecting much. He misses. Cats by 1.

6:04 Bartel takes a tough mark as Geelong was moving out of defence. If he didn’t take that one the Saints would have streamed forward again. Bartel has had a really good last quarter so far as Bruce begins to perk up again, “He’s a good man in a tight situation”. Geez, some of the stuff he says is straight out of Arrested Development.

5:32 Jimmy again! As the Saints push forward Bartel is in the way. The ball seems to be bouncing back and forth between the 50m arcs at the moment.

5:01 Leigh Montagna kicks a huge goal despite being outnumbered 2-to1. Wait! The goal won’t stand; it’s a free kick against Montagna for… shepparding? Wow, really tough call against the Saints there. Looked like he just judged the ball a bit better and then stood his ground.

4:30 All my Lenny Hayes baiting has come back to bite as he kicks possibly the winning the goal. Goddamn it all.

4:15 Some more perplexing umpiring: How does “didn’t make an attempt to dispose of the ball” even come into consideration if there’s no prior opportunity? Isn’t that the superseding rule? This is madness.

3:15 Cats push forward and a chance goes begging as Mooney just couldn’t get a kind bounce. Hasn’t been his night at all. Expect the Saints to go to full-on “go-slow” mode now. This could be all over.

2:33 I think the commentators all just agreed that Raph Clarke has been “good” and “solid in defence”. I will now vomit cheese all over my laptop.

1:14 Saint’s turn it over, there’s still time! Joel Corey is still sprinting when everyone looks cooked. He is fitter than God.

0:22 MILBUUUUUUUUUUUUURNNNNNN!!!!!! Aaaaaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!

0:19 I’ll attempt to recap the past few seconds of madness: Geelong scramble a kick forward near the boundary, about 15m from goal. Bartel battles 2 opponents, almost getting a free kick, and all three players go to ground as the ball bounces free over the top of them. This leaves the Saints outnumbered and allows Mooney to gather and get the ball over the top (and drop Raph Clarke in the process) to an unattended Milburn in the goal square for the winning goal.

0:00 Siren! Haha! Screw you Lenny Hayes and Poetic Justice! I laugh at your ill-defined irony!

Great, fighting win made better by virtue of screwing the Saints. Joel Corey was great, Enright and Scarlett held strong and Bartel played an amazing last quarter to pull out an unlikely victory. Plus, I made it though 3000 words without a single dick joke. Now there’s an upset.

2011-03-03T17:11:00.006+11:00

The Good, the Bad and Ricky Nixon

Has it really been almost a month since I’ve posted? Terrible job by me. Let’s take a look at what we’ve seen so far and play a round of “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly”.

The Good

Mitch Duncan: Out of all the fringe players he easily looked the best and should be in the Round 1 team. He could definitely work on the defensive and contested parts of his game, but he’s confident and purposeful with the ball and kicks goals. And he’s dead ringer for former Geelong flanker David Cameron, in looks and playing style. (Does anyone else remember these obscure GFC past players? These are the things that are lodged in my brain that prevent me from remembering any new information, like “you don’t like iced-coffee, stop ordering it”.)

The draftees: Really impressed with Cam Guthrie and George Horlin-Smith, both looked like natural footballers that could step up the AFL level reasonably quickly. And we’re yet to see no. 1 pick Billie Smedts, supposedly the best of the lot. Plus, it sounds like Stephen Wells drafted them from a Hemmingway novel. Good times.

The old guard: Over the summer I must have forgotten how good Selwood and Bartel are. Just absolute guns. Interestingly, Bartel played forward for a large part of the Round1 game(s), something he hasn’t done much of, but something he seems perfectly suited to. And Darren Milburn, who a lot of people were calling for to retire, looked as reliable, and just plain good, as ever.

The return of the Kent: Well, his jumper anyway, now being worn by Josh Cowan. I’m probably in the minority here, but I miss seeing the big fella strutting around the goal square, barking at team-mates and half-heartedly chasing and then inexplicably kicking 8 goals the following week. Long live the Kent of Kingsley!

Mitch Brown: Not that he played, just that he actually exists and made it through the banner without spontaneously bursting into flames. 2012 is more likely his time, so here’s hoping he stays fit and clunks a few in the VFL this year.

The Bad

The NAB Cup in general: It’s football, but it’s not really football. The three, 40-minute games thing didn’t really work, nor did the last-touched out of bounds rule. Play a couple of practise matches and then get into the real stuff. I don’t want to see Josh Hunt laughing it up with Stephen Milne after the game, I want to see Scarlett telling Robert Harvey he wasted 20 years of his life.

Expectations: Everyone was waiting for Steven Motlop to bust out, for Tom Gillies to challenge for a key defensive post, for Allen Christiansen to show some signs and Simon Hogan to do anything. None of the above look quite ready yet, which is fine, considering Geelong essentially fielded a VFL team against the Saints. Menzel, who I’ve always liked (and who reminds me, the way he looks and moves, of Tristan Lynch. Not a reflection on his abilities, but I just can’t shake it) wasn’t as sharp as I expected. But their time will come and they’ve all shown some signs. Gotta remember it’s only March and players have spent more time on their tans than their ball skills.

Maxless: Not having Max Rooke this year hurts more than not having Ablett. Just like Charlie Sheen, Max knew only one speed, did things that would kill a normal human and had fire-breathing fists and tiger blood dripping fangs... Well, maybe not that last one.

The Ugly

Ricky Nixon: As Mrs Watson remarked, “I just assumed that he’d already done plenty of dodgier stuff”. What a hideous looking creature. And what’s with the hair? Is it a perm? Does he go to the hairdresser and say, “make me look like Gadaffi’s retarded younger brother?” These are the questions the AFL Commission should be asking.

Steve Johnson playing anywhere other than forward: I don’t think we want him thinking too much, otherwise you end up with the turnover-riddled, “playing like millionaires” display he put on against StKilda. If he keeps that shit up, Mrs Watson is going to end up pulling an Elvis on his TV by round 6. But I do think he needs to play seniors every week, regardless. He’s like Mitchell Johnson; he will be erratic from time to time, but he’ll also pull a 20-minute spell out of his ass that will absolutely win you the game.

Twitter: My account has been pretty much stagnant for 6 months but this season I’m vowing to bring that useless bastard back to life, kinda like what Channel Gem did with “The Nanny”. Anyway, join twitter and follow me @Bigleaguelittle and I’ll bring the 140 character gold on the reg.

2011-01-27T21:13:00.003+11:00

2011: Are we there yet?

Is it just me or does the 2010 AFL season seem like a distant memory? It may as well have been the 1998 season as far as my brain is concerned. Maybe it was because Geelong got knocked out in the Prelim. Maybe it was all the travel I was doing at the time. Maybe it was that I came back to not one, but two Grand Finals that I had no interest in.

(Note: After watching Collingwood choke away the first one, in which I loudly proclaimed early in the third quarter “the choke is on!” it was hard to really pick a horse for Giant Douche vs Turd Sandwich part II. If anything, I was barracking for another draw, multiple ACL injuries and for someone from the crowd to a launch a 55-metre barrel into Lionel Ritchie’s head.)

For whatever reason, I was ready for the footy to finish and was completely locked into some sunshine, getting stuck into the mountain of duty-free booze I had accumulated and watching Brad Haddin repeatedly loft Graeme Swann over mid-on. Fast-forward three months and the Ashes are lost, half the country is underwater and my recycle bin has more empty Bombay Sapphire bottles than Michael Clarke has single figure scores.

But guess what? The most exciting AFL season in recent memory starts in two weeks.

West Coast and Richmond remain relevant due to their massive, and largely delusional, supporter bases and for the controversial revelation/push-to-get-back-into-the-spotlight by Ben Cousins that I’m tentatively pencilling in for round 6.

Essendon have just hired golden boy James Hird and his gravity-defying ears to coach, plus they sneakily lured Lips over to fill some sort of managerial role which I assume will be about showing Hird the ropes of senior coaching, isolating and antagonizing your best player and the correct etiquette for swingers parties.

Meanwhile, players have spent the off-season scrambling to get out of Brisbane faster than people leaving the cinema after watching “Little Fockers”. Sherman’s gone, Brennan’s gone and half the coaching staff are gone, who, I’ll point out, were largely Voss’ ex-premiership-teammates. Oh, and Fev got arrested again, may have some sort of a David Schwarz-esque gambling problem and has done his pre-season training from inside a rehab centre. If I’m Neil Balme, I’m waiting until Brisbane hit 1-12 and then sending Jon Brown a “Season 2009” DVD, a map showing Geelong’s proximity to Warnambool and an outline of the plan that has allowed us to pay Bartel, Chapman, Selwood, Scarlett and Ottens outside the salary cap for the past 5 years.

Melbourne, North Melbourne and Carlton all showed signs of life at various points last season and are all probably fighting for eighth spot and the chance to get smoked in the first week of finals. Off the field, Stynes is hanging in there, Brayshaw has added some life to Channel 9’s cricket team and Chris Judd has already slipped one past Twigley and through to the keeper. (By the way, a friend of mine pointed out the greatest potential AFL story of this year: Melbourne makes the Grand Final inspired by Jim Stynes, only, and here’s the rub, for it to be a true tragedy/triumph, Stynes would have to die Grand Final week before the Dees capture the flag. A little morbid? Sure. But I can already see Channel 9 casting Callan Mulvey as Brad Green in the mini-series.)

Port Adelaide will remain irrelevant as the Cornes brothers will mail in more performances this year than Billy Bob Thornton’s last 5 years of cinema, whilst Adelaide have reached deep in to their bag of tricks and produced Richard Tambling as the man to turn things around… Let’s just say I’m looking forward to Neil Craig’s work on Footy Classified in 2012.

Hawthorn’s never ending search for a ruckman led them to David Hale who once kicked 8 goals against Geelong, which is akin to a Golden Retriever parallel parking a 1979 Ford Cortina. And due to the 2008 aberration they will continue to be talked about as “a premiership chance” until Doc Brown picks me up in the Delorean and I can go back to kidnap Lips’ kids until he agrees not to play Matthew Stokes on Luke Hodge.

Fremantle finally got their shit together this year only to be pumped by The Cats in the semi-final, which led to Geelong hiring Freo’s assistant Chris Scott as their new coach. Good times?

Sydney traded for Andres Everitt, Spider Everitt’s son or younger brother or something, and also will give us the first look at the how the pre-arranged “coaching handover” goes. Although, has anyone actually seen or heard from John Longmire in the past 6 months? Don’t be surprised if he turns up hogtied in the boot of a car somewhere as Paul Roos continues pulling the strings MI:2 style in a Longmire mask.

The always thereabouts Bulldogs are finally free of Brad Johnson, who was so washed up that he ended last season with a whole cutlery draw sticking out of him, including the mystery “fifth slot" which contains anything and everything that isn’t a fork, knife, tea or table spoon.

Then there are the two top teams from last season, who were so evenly matched we needed an extra week, and an extra slab of Coopers Pale, to sort it out. Collingwood have started their premiership defence by adding a former washout and much maligned full-forward to presumably come in and play full-back, and a former Richmond player, WAFL Sandover medallist and Wooroloo inmate to join their already impressive array of small-forwards/criminals.

And then there’s St. Kilda, who have had a pretty quiet off-season. Yep, just business as usual down at Moorabbin. Nothing to see here… (For round one, can someone please arrange for a banner that reads “It looks like a penis, only smaller”? Thanks.)

Which brings us, finally, to Geelong. Speaking to Mrs Watson a few weeks back, he pointed out that for the first time in at least three years he has no idea how The Cats will go. They are no longer the best team in football, no longer have the best player in football and no longer have the coach that led them to three Grand Finals and four broken marriages.

Besides the changes to game-plan, or subtle differences in zoning and set-up, etc., and ignoring the number of times this year my Dad will call him Brad Scott or Robert Scott, the most interesting thing to watch about Chris Scott is how he goes about selection. Will Dawson Simpson elbow Mark Blake out of the way, or is Nathan Vardy a real chance? Is there room for Byrnes and Stokes? How will he squeeze in Taylor Hunt, Mitch Duncan and Daniel Menzel? And how about the latest crop of draftees? According to Brenton Sanderson, the rookies are coming to the AFL more and more prepared to step straight in every year. And Nigel Lappin has already said most players on the list will get a run in the pre-season; that’s at least five chances for Mrs Watson to come up with convoluted nicknames.

Add to this a Lightning premiership type pre-season set up, an insane new “super-sub” rule, a full year of prickly Mick Malthouse interviews as Buckley sizes up his chair, the endless sledging of St.Kilda, the on-going unintentional comedy of “Rexona’s Greatest Athlete Challenge”, the chance for me to make at least two Tom Selleck references before his new show gets cancelled and did I mention A WHOLE NEW FRIGGIN’ TEAM featuring Gold Coast Gary and the Schoolies!?!

And it all starts in two weeks. Just enough time to see if I have more Gin & Tonics left in me than Michael Clarke has runs.

2011-01-09T18:41:00.002+11:00

Ashes Defeat, or, Crash & Burn

After witnessing England win their first Ashes series in Australia since ’86-87, I thought, what better way to commemorate it than by using a classic film released in 1986 and a gimmick I ripped off from the Sportsguy to bring you the Ashes ‘Top Gun’ memorial awards! Enjoy!

We've seen this before.
No sir, I'm holding on too tight, I've lost the edge.
To Ricky Ponting, who looks like the past few years have caught up with him all at once. His captaincy nous was never his strength, but once upon a time Ponting could always be relied upon for runs; not so now, it would appear. Being an international batsman requires such high levels of concentration, eyesight, reflexes, footwork and balance that once it starts to go it’s like falling off a cliff – there’s only one outcome. Unfortunately Ponting appears to have hit that point. Let’s see if he’s willing to turn in his wings.

Do you think your name will be on that plaque?
Yes, sir.
That's pretty arrogant, considering the company you're in.
To the Australian cricket hierarchy, who failed to give the players the stability, direction and preparation required for this Ashes series. England, who had been planning for this tour for two years, sent over a settled line-up that came out early to acclimatize to conditions and played a number of tour matches against State and other rep sides. Meanwhile Australia was involved in a pointless Twenty20 series in the sub-continent, played no 4-day lead up games then, after using an Australia A game essentially as a “bowl-off”, they named a 15-man squad that didn’t include the incumbent spinner, selected a spinner from outside the squad (Doherty) and ignored the spinner who was in form and well-performed against England and at first class level (O’Keefe).

What's your problem, Kazanski?
You're everyone's problem. That's because every time you go up in the air, you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous.
That's right! Ice… Man… I am dangerous.
One of the great, and many, unintentionally hilarious and homoerotic scenes of the film goes to Mitchell Johnson who seems to swing between unplayable and unpickable for no discernable reason. When he’s up and firing, as we saw in the third test, he absolutely wins games by himself, but if he’s slightly off, he’s a liability. Let’s hope it doesn’t take the tragic death of Ben Hilfenhaus for Mitch to get his head on straight.

You're a little low. You're a little low. Come on, buddy, pull up.
To all of Australia’s fast bowlers who continually bowled too short or too straight and, really, seemed unable to land three deliveries in the same spot, let alone six. I mean, Alistair Cook made 900 runs or whatever and didn’t play a single straight drive – do you think maybe you should pitch it up to him?

You wanted to know who the best is? That's him. Iceman. He flies ice-cold. No mistakes. Wears you down. You get bored, do something stupid, and he's got you.
To England’s fast bowlers who continually put the ball on the spot and waited for Australia’s batsmen to nick one to the keeper.
Since I have nothing else to add here, was Iceman Val Kilmer’s greatest role? The guy seems like he’s been around forever and done a heap of films, but did he ever again nail a signature role like he did with Tom “Iceman” Kazanski? C’mon, who else could have pulled off that arrogant, preppy, bleached flat-top, chest-out-strutting-around action?

You're the top one percent of all naval aviators. The elite. The best of the best. We'll make you better.
To the Sheffield Shield competition, which desperately needs the National players back playing for their state so it’s actually possible to, you know, groom some international cricketers.

Let me ask you something. If you had to go into battle, would you want him with you?
I don't know, I just don't know
To Michael Clarke, whose future seems as uncertain as Maverick’s was after he pursued Jester below the hard-deck. Prior to the series he was being called Australia’s best batsman and has been the captain in waiting for as long as Ponting has been in charge. Now he’s coming off a series where he averaged less than Peter Siddle, is speaking like he doesn’t want the captaincy and has retired from Twenty20 duties. Are we sure this all can’t be tied to Lara Bingle? Even though their relationship generated a ton of negative press, and she may very well have stolen her own car for insurance purposes, he at least seemed to be making runs. For the sake of Australia’s middle order we need to get Clarke hooked up again. Is it too much to ask James Sutherland to get Megan Gale’s number?

And you asshole, you're lucky to be here!
Thank you, sir.
To Phil Hughes, who apparently earned a recall to the Test team by averaging under 20 in Shield cricket. Yes, I defended his selection, but I wasn’t aware of his State numbers at the time (which were kindly pointed out by a couple of readers). Plus, I was more so pleased that the selectors had chosen to right a previous wrong, as he should never have been dropped in the first place. Now that he’s back in the team he needs an extended run, and it’s not as if anyone is banging down the selection door. (Yes, that's the sound of me furiously back-pedaling.)

I got another problem here. I gotta send somebody from this squadron to Miramar. I gotta do something here, I still can't believe it. I gotta give you your dream shot! I'm gonna send you up against the best.
To the selectors and Steve Smith, who was promoted as a potential solution to both the lack of spin bowling and middle order batting and ended up doing neither. He does appear to have some natural talent but at the moment, to paraphrase Jeff Thomson, he’s not a top six batsmen’s asshole. Could he develop in to a handy all-rounder? Absolutely, but that looks a good couple of years away, plus, he has to survive the all-rounder rule which states, he must be good enough to be selected as a specialist.

You were number two, Cougar was number one. Cougar lost it-turned in his wings. You guys are number one.
To Cameron White, who gets a chance to show his captaincy credentials as the new Twenty20 skipper after Michael Clarke retired from the shortest form of the game. White has often been lauded for his captaincy skills and feel for the game and has even been suggested as a future Test captain, but has not been given a chance at the game’s highest level. Would he have done any worse than Steve Smith? Certainly not. And I get the feeling he’ll get his chance soon enough, and even more so if he can take the Twenty20 leadership role onboard and still score runs.
(Note: In the previous post I proposed the idea that three separate teams for the three forms of the game would be a legitimate and very possible outcome in the near future. The Clarke retirement and the lack of temperament from Australia’s Test top order seems to strengthen that idea, right?)

Whose butt did you kiss to get in here anyway?
The list is long, but distinguished.
To Michael Beer, who has modest figures in the handful of games he’s played for WA and yet somehow jumped the queue to claim a Test place just like Maverick and Goose “slid” in to Cougar’s spot. Plus, there are theories floating around that he only got a start due to being Warnie’s mate and getting a massive endorsement from Mr. McChicken himself. Having said all that, he seemed competitive, reasonably tight and had an idea of what he was doing. But is he bringing anything to the table that Nathan Hauritz or Steve O’Keefe or even Jason Krezja aren’t?

The plaque for the alternates is down in the ladies room.
Another one for Michael Clarke, after his name was brought up as a potential Test captain and my Dad screwed up his face before spitting out, “He looks like he sits down to piss”.

You don't have time to think up there. If you think, you're dead.
To Shane Watson who either completely over thinks things once he nears a milestone score, or completely stops thinking after a break in play or when running between the wickets.
Going forward, what to do with Watson will be a tough decision. He consistently gets good starts at the top of the order but never kicks on to get a century. And he often can’t contribute enough as a bowler because he’s being saved to open the batting.
I’d like to see him batting lower in the order, perhaps at four, and then sent to live with Jacques Kallis (South Africa’s very own Iceman) for 6 months.

If you screw up just this much, you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong!
To Tim Nielsen and Andrew Hilditch, who have apparently been put on notice by the Australian cricket board. It was good to read Dean Jones calling out Nielsen this week, pointing out that, you know, it might be a good idea to have a coach who had success as a player at international level.

You can be my wingman any time.
Bullshit… You can be mine.
The ultimate hilarious/homoerotic and confusing moment of the film goes to the confusion of finding a suitable Test captain to replace Ponting once he calls it a day. Michael Clarke, the vice-captain and long touted replacement is horribly out of form, Mike Hussey has probably played his last Test, Shane Watson can’t seem to manage walking and chewing gum at the same time and Brad Haddin seems slightly more intelligent than a well-trained kelpie. Not good times. So either Ponting sticks around for longer than he should (perhaps sliding down the order?) or Clarke is given the job by default and persevered with.

No, Mav, this is not a good idea.
Sorry, Goose, but it's time to buzz a tower.
To the review system, and specifically Brad Haddin’s 100% incorrect record in it’s usage. And while I’m on the topic, let me get this rant out of the way: Why give the teams two reviews each if the umpires are able to arbitrarily review anything? Someone is given out and then they think, oh, maybe that was a no-ball, and so they review it based, not on either side asking for it to be reviewed, but just because they wanted to. Doesn’t that completely undermine the player’s reviews? Make a decision and let the teams decide whether to review it or not or just fucking review everything. Rant over.

Lieutenant, what were you doing there?
Communicating. Keeping up foreign relations.
This one is awarded to both teams for the sledging in the third test that got so heated Matt Prior was asking Peter Siddle to meet him behind the sheds and settle it King Street style. It was good to see the Aussies showing some spirit and aggression and it was equally funny to see Ponting attempt to calm Siddle down in the above scenario one second before launching his own verbal attack on Prior the next. And he wonders why nobody likes him.
Honorary mention goes to Ian Chappell and Ian Botham who still refuse to speak to each other after coming to blows more than 30 years ago. Stay classy, gents.

Bullshit ten minutes! This thing will be over in two minutes! Get on it!
To the Australian top order, who collapsed with such monotonous regularity that anything better than 4/70 could be considered “a good start”. And as much grief as the bowling attacked copped, the first step to competing, especially when batting first, is to post a decent total. Each Test I would tune in with a renewed sense of optimism and each Test Australia’s batting would fall apart worse than Tom Cruise’s acting when he has to talk to Kelly McGillis about his family history.

It's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied. It's time for the big one.
You up for this one, Maverick?
Just a walk in the park, Kazansky.
To the English: Their bowlers were disciplined and skilful, their batting was patient and determined and they took all their chances in the field. In short, they owned Australia like it was 1776.

Talk to me, Goose
To you guys, the readers! Drop some comments, ask some questions, suggest some blog ideas or just suggest a movie I could watch that was made after 1996!

2010-12-13T14:47:00.002+11:00

Cricket Redux, or, The Captain's Summer Opus

Watching Australia disintegrating in The Ashes thus far, and a week of back and forth emailing with Big League friend Rave-On, made it clear that Cricket Australia is in dire need of some direction. The current Test batsmen (except Clarke and Watson) are all declining/ageing at the same time and the bowling line-up is being changed more often than brothel sheets.

The selectors, continually find new and exciting ways to fuck up, clearly don’t know who the best fast bowlers are, whom the best spinner is, or who’s ready to bat at Test level. And not only that, but Australia’s most consistent batsman, and probably bowler, is batting out of position as an opener.

Meanwhile, the preparation to win back the Ashes involved playing Twenty20 in Sri Lanka while England was playing 4-day games and acclimatizing to Australian conditions.

The selection, coaching and captaincy are all impatient, indecisive and ineffective. They’ve made more bad choices in the past 12 months than Lindsay Lohan. It’s time for Big League to fix Australian cricket.

I’m not going to get into technical or coaching issues too much, (and really, how can anyone improve on Mark Waugh’s contribution to the bowling plan in a pregame meeting: “Hit the top of off-stump with the occasional bouncer… I’ll be in the TAB”) and I will try and break down my ideas for each form of the game.

Twenty20

In 2005 Australia and New Zealand played the first international twenty20 cricket match with somewhat of a “piss-take” attitude; players wore 1970s gear, grew moustaches, had nicknames on their shirts and generally appeared not to give a shit (Glenn McGrath bowled an underarm delivery for Christ’s sake). When this ultra-short format became the world’s most popular version of the game 12 months later, Australian cricket were completely unprepared and ended up essentially importing the 50-over team (which not long before had essentially been the Test team) and then pretending they didn’t care.

Cricket Australia now adjusts its team, with T20 specialists such as David Warner, but still too many players from the Test and 50-over sides are featured (Michael Clarke should not be allowed within 100 feet of this team). By its nature T20 is hit and miss, and senior players have little to gain and form to lose, especially those who did not develop with T20 as part of their schedule.

Current Test players in the T20 side, Michael Clarke, Peter Siddle, Brad Haddin and Shane Watson, should be kept out of T20 and either rested or playing Sheffield Shield (it’s important International level players play State cricket regularly, allowing State talent to develop by playing with and/or against the best). And besides Brad Haddin, none of the current Test line-up are suited to the game anyway. Someone like Dirk Nannes, for example, may never be a good Test level bowler, but he’s a much better T20 option than Doug Bollinger.

But the team will need some experience stability, and leadership: Enter Brad Hodge. A former Test and 50-over a veteran, not to mention arguably still Australia’s best T20 player, Hodge is brought in as a permanent fixture and made vice-captain. This rewards Hodge’s years of toil and allows younger players earmarked for leadership to be given captaincy opportunities at international level, giving selectors further data on our state level players. (And once Hodge is retired a similarly experienced player would take over this role – Cameron White, for example.)

The rest of the team is selected as a young, almost “25 and under” side, with a rotation policy to accommodate local talent; for example, more Western Australian players in the team for games played at the WACA. This would encourage locals to attend live matches, would let players know that everyone is being looked at for national duty and would also provide the team with players who have home ground knowledge. It would also lessen the player’s workload and travel (a common gripe) and keep CA’s domestic travel costs down. Perhaps the saved money, not to mention the extra revenue created by playing locals, could be spent on larger international touring parties, ensuring squad depth and further exposure to international opponents, conditions, climates and cultures for developing players.

The National Twenty20 team may look like something this: Dave Warner, Brad Hodge (VC), Aaron Finch, Mitch Marsh, Matthew Wade (WK), Moises Henriques, Cullen Bailey, Josh Hazlewood.

With the following players (25 or under) that could rotate in at each state: Jon Holland, James Pattinson, Alexander Keath (Vic), Mark Cosgrove (Tas, and admittedly, 26 years old), Allister McDermott (Qld), Peter George (SA), Nathan Coulter-Nile (WA), Steve Smith (NSW).

Given injuries, availability, conditions and team balance obviously the 25-year old rule is only to be used as a guide. Players such as Steve O’Keefe, Aiden Blizzard, and Ed Cowan could, and should, be used. And, depending on other international team commitments, T20 specialists such as Cameron White, Dan Christian Dirk Nannes and Shaun Tait should be made available, and again, especially at their home grounds and for priority tournaments, like the T20 World Cup.

This could also potentially allow Australia to simultaneously field a T20 and a Test team anywhere in the world. This would not only add another revenue stream to CA’s coffers, but would avoid the situation we had this summer where England was preparing in Australia while the Aussies were playing essentially meaningless T20 cricket against Sri Lanka.

One-Day Cricket

This team would be the melting pot, featuring the best performed of the above T20 team, Test hopefuls pushing their claim and the suitable members of the Test team. (Although, it actually wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing, nor completely implausible, if Australia ended up with three completely separate teams.) The current rotation policy would remain in place with the T20 “play the local” rule clearing up any selection dilemmas.

The 50-over game, as opposed to T20, gives batsmen time to build an innings, and requires bowlers for longer, more focused spells, making it a better rehearsal for Test cricket. It is no surprise that many players have forced their way into the Test side with great 50-over performances (Andrew Symonds springs to mind) and this is exactly what the One-day side should be used for.

South Australian batsman, and sometime opener, Michael Klinger, for example, made plenty of runs at domestic level last season (1203 runs from 10 matches, state player of the year) but do we, and importantly the selectors, have much idea how he would do opening at Test level? Wouldn’t you rather see him get tested against the South African new ball attack in a 50-over game than scoring another ambiguous 80 against Queensland and James Hopes’ pies? I mean, wouldn’t it be informative to see how he handles world-class opening bowling and international pressure? (Yes, that’s rhetorical.)

Excluding the current Test team, and including a select few from the above-mentioned T20 squad, there is a fairly handy pool of players that we don’t know enough about at International level:

Openers: Shaun Marsh, Phil Hughes, Phil Jacques, Michael Klinger, Ed Cowan.

Middle-Order: Callum Ferguson, Usman Khawaja, David Hussey, Rob Quiney, Cameron White, Adam Voges, Travis Birt, Mark Cosgrove, George Bailey.

Keeper: Tim Paine, Matthew Wade.

All-rounders: Dan Christian, Andrew McDonald, Moises Henriques.

Fast bowlers: Ryan Harris, Doug Bollinger, Shaun Tait, Clint McKay, Mark Cameron, Brett Geeves, Dirk Nannes, Mitchell Starc, Peter George.

Spinners: Jason Krezja, Nathan Hauritz, Xavier Doherty, Steve Smith, Beau Casson, Cullen Bailey, Steve O’Keefe.

Using exclusively that list, an extremely competitive one-day team could be fielded and selectors would gain valuable knowledge about who is up to it at International level. So, rather than plucking spinners like Doherty and Beer from obscurity and putting them to the sword, guys like Krejza and Smith and Bailey and O’Keefe all would have played for the National team (using the rotation/home ground system) in one-day and T20 cricket and would be ready to go.

The longer the version of the game, the more important it is to keep some continuity but perhaps having one or two “open” spots wouldn’t be a bad thing. The idea is to continue to expose players to the next, higher level of competition, so that when a spot opens up, there is a pool of talent with at least some experience ready to step in.

Players should also know that they’re part of a larger squad and, rather than being simply in or out of the team, that rotations will occur and as along as you keep working and performing for your state you’ll get your chance soon enough; it is important for young players to know they’ll be given time.

Test Match

The age and balance of the Test team needs to be monitored carefully so that any mass exodus of same age players, as is currently pending/beginning, can be avoided. To this end, the Test team should attempt to feature at least one younger player at all times, especially when surrounded with experienced campaigners. This was how Ricky Ponting and Michael Clarke were allowed to get their feet wet at Test level.

Since then, however, selectors have been slow to include new talent. Batsmen who have been beyond proven at State level, such as North and Hussey, were given the nod at such a late stage in their career that by the time they have a decent trial at Test level they are almost due to retire. Marcus North, for example, has played 21 Tests, is 31 years old and seems done at Test level, while, conversely, Alistair Cook is 25, has played 62 Tests and is in the best form of his career – with another five of six years ahead of him.

The North selection was defensible (he made a staggering amount of runs at State level, bowls handy off-breaks and has excellent hands) but it just came too late. Would it have been better spending those 20 Tests on someone like Phil Hughes? The Alistair Cook example would suggest so.

This is also why someone like David Hussey should be overlooked for the Test team; yes, he probably deserves a chance, but it will not serve the long-term interests of the team. Every chance should be used to blood youth, be it dead-rubber Tests, injury or suspension.

Successful test cricket is all about pressure; the fielding team has to apply it for long periods and the batting team needs to withstand it and then counter punch. Being able to perform consistently usually come when a player is able to combine knowledge, skills and having been in similar scenarios before all tied together with self-confidence, a.k.a. experience.
Administration, policy and selection for all three forms of the game (T20, One-day and Test) needs to be integrated to deliver some form of continuity to the teams while also exposing promising players to international competition to continually be building their experience base.

In my system each form of the game would feed the next, from shortest form of the game to the longest, trickling down the nations best young players through the T20 and one-day teams to prepare them for Test cricket. However, some players are suited to different forms of the game and therefore State cricket needs to be monitored closely and the International players need to be more involved with those teams. I know I’d be much more comfortable picking Michael Beer if he’d been performing well in the one-dayers or had consistently troubled the Australian top order in Sheffield Shield.

Finally, here’s my attempt at a team for the third Test:
Phil Hughes
Mike Hussey
Ricky Ponting
Shane Watson
Michael Clarke
Usman Khawaja
Brad Haddin
Mitchell Johnson
Ryan Harris
Jason Krejza
Ben Hilfenhaus

(Note: I’ve been trying to finish this blog for weeks now but it just kept getting bigger and more rambling and I couldn’t quite get in under control. In the end I gave it one last edit and posted it just to get it up and away from me. So, my apologies about the length, possibly not explaining things well enough or repeating myself... Good times!)

2010-11-26T13:52:00.002+11:00

The Draft: The Great Gatsby & Friends

As AFL players returned to the training track this past week, I got my first chilling look at Gary Ablett’s new life; as he sat courtside for a Gold Coast Blaze NBL game. (Yes, I’m actually trying to talk myself into the NBL. Although, having watched a few games, I can’t shake the feeling that the ’92 Supercats would have run through this league like Vincent Chase through the Playboy mansion.) And as Mrs Watson wondered out loud about Gold Coast Gary’s favourite theme park (we settled on Wet ‘n Wild, because Nath loves the waterslides) I realized I had yet to do my ‘half-assed, uniformed AFL draft review’! So without further ado…

Pick 15: Billie Smedts, 190cm, 79kg
What they say: 190cm utility who spent most of his time at halfback but capable of forward and midfield roles. Tested well in the sprint, agility and skills section of the draft camp. Composed footballer, good overhead and nimble enough able to get out of tight spaces. Ticks all the boxes for a modern athlete/footballer. Given Tom Harley’s no. 2 guernsey.

What we say: Claims to model himself on Andrew Mackie, which I’m almost certain isn't a good thing… Wait, does he mean 2010 or 2008 Mackie?

Best-case scenario: Brendan Goddard. Versatile utility with the size to play deep forward and defence as well as the skills, speed and vision to play in the middle. Not sure whether he has any relatives in prison.

Worst-case scenario: One of the Shaw brothers, Heath or Rhyce, which ever one sits a kick off the play without an opponent and gathers cheap possessions before butchering the ball going forward… Either one, really.

Pick 23: Cameron Guthrie, 186cm, 79kg
What they say: Smooth midfielder with good skills who runs all day. Does everything well but perhaps not anything great. Calder Cannon B&F winner and potential run-with player who did the job on a couple of top U/18 players. Apparently has as much potential as any of the top 10 picks. Given Ablett’s no. 29 guernsey.

What we say: Maybe someone to fill Cameron Ling’s shoes as Geelong’s tagger. Already has more scalps off the field than Ling.

Best-case scenario: Brad Sewell. Now, hear me out. Sewell goes all day and is able to tag players while winning contested ball and hurting the opposition the other way.

Worst-case scenario: Brent Prismall. Went from being Geelong’s next big thing to being a below average contributor for the Bombers… The Bendigo Bombers.

Pick 37: George Horlin-Smith, 186cm, 70kg
What they say: A former U/16 Australian cricketer who is a late convert to full-time football. Highly skilled utility with excellent vision and decision-making skills who likes to bring teammates into the game. Played only a handful of games for Sturt’s U/18 side this year but has plenty of upside and one point was tipped to go top 20. Given Max Rooke’s no. 33 guernsey (farewell and so long, Jared-Max).

What we say: I’m all for drafting anyone who sounds like he’s friends with The Great Gatsby.

Best-case scenario: Scott Pendelbury. What he makes up for in leg speed he compensates for with skills, vision and quick thinking. Plus, Pendelbury looks like he’s friends with The Great Gatsby.

Worst-case scenario: Greg Blewett. All the potential and talent in the world but one glaring weakness; in Blewett’s case getting bowled between bat and pad far too often for an international no. 3. For George, it’s the late start to football and the ahh, ahem, lack of runs on the board.

Pick 54: Jordan Schroeder, 182cm, 85kg
What they say: Rugged inside midfielder who finds his own ball. A long, penetrating right footer who likes to get forward to kick goals and actually won the Calder Cannons goal-kicking playing as a midfielder. Adds a hard edge to go long with good skills. Given Ryan Gamble’s no. 15 guernsey (Speaking of Gamble, do you think the Saints will give him Charlie Gardiner’s old number? Did Ross Lyon re-release the same press statement from last year? Will Justin Koschitzke just call him Charlie? Is there somewhere I can bet on things like “St Kilda to re-draft Mitch Duncan in 2014”? The only way this could be funnier is if the Saints somehow make room on their list for Cameron Thurley.)

What we say: Good to see a Western suburbs hard-ass get on the list. Completes a potentially strong HTS group of draftees for the Cats; Mrs Watson picked the wrong year to start wearing glasses.

Best-case scenario: Matthew Boyd. Compares himself to Boyd and if he can get near that level of production at this level will be a steal at pick 54.

Worst-case scenario: Brad Boyd. The once supposed midfield gun who quietly faded away. To be honest, I just used him here due to his surname.

2010-11-10T15:40:00.005+11:00

The Forgotten Man, or, Come Pick Me (Up)

Much to my surprise, and equally to my disappointment that I was caught unaware, as I was flipping around the box the other evening I stumbled upon the second one-day match between Australia and Sri Lanka. Having completely missed the first match, and finding this one only by chance, I quickly surmised two things: First, my love for One HD and my reliance on the genius idea of sports-dedicated free-to-air TV channel has me so blinded that not only am I trying to talk myself into the NBL but I had no idea cricket season had started. And two, that I had been avoiding Channel 9 for very good reasons. (I mean, does “The Big Bang Theory” really need to be fast tracked from the US? People were demanding new episodes? Television in this country continues to baffle me.)

Once aware, however, I settled in for the bitterly disappointing finish to game two as well as the misleading optimism of game three. And my conclusion on the current state of Australian cricket was that Australia is going to lose the Ashes. Or, perhaps more accurately, they should lose the Ashes.

Now, Captain, I hear the grammatically inclined among you wonder, when you say “should” do you mean the auxiliary verb usage as in they “shall” lose the Ashes, or to express duty, as in they “ought” to lose The Ashes? Well, it’s a little from column A and a little from column B.

England is certainly in better form, they have a settled side, a couple of players in career best form and are coming over here with as much confidence as any English team since Alan Lamb was prominently involved. Conversely, Australia’s confidence is lower than at any point since the Greg Ritchie era, they are losing unlosable matches and are facing constant criticism over the captaincy, dressing room morale and team selection. Not good times. (Is it a coincidence these issues are arising at the exact same time that Shane Watson has emerged as Australia’s best cricketer? And how much of an upset is that from as recently as two years ago? It’s like that bozo from ‘American Pie’ winning an Oscar two years after willingly penetrating a desert dish.)

By saying Australia should lose the Ashes what I mean to say is that, while England certainly deserve to be favourites, it may not be such a bad thing for this current team to lose a home Ashes series and thus be forced to examine the current philosophies behind team selection and direction.

Granted, Australian team selection is hard a job, and it becomes that much harder when some of the first choice players are losing touch and yet the next crop are unproven; it’s a balancing act between experience, potential and form. But, it’s every Australian’s right to criticize selection without qualification or information, and, to very loosely paraphrase Tim Rogers, at what point does a good cricketer in a form slump become a not so good cricketer?

Mike Hussey, and to a lesser extent Marcus North, have been terrific Australian players, but they were both selected for the National team at a relatively late age and on the back of ridiculously successful State level careers (Darren Lehman also fits this profile). The pay-off, however, for picking seasoned players for the National team is that their Test careers, naturally, have to be shorter: if you get into the Test team at age 30, you aren’t going to be able to play as much National cricket as someone like Michael Clarke who was fast-tracked at age 21, even if you feel like you want a deserve more Tests. Especially when as a batsmen you rely so much on eyesight and reflex. Darren Lehman had the good graces to step aside because he saw the promise of the afore-mentioned Clarke and he understood the way good teams need to regularly turn players over – keeping that mix of experience, potential and form. But not everyone has the timing of Darren Lehman and Australian selectors need to recognize this earlier.

As Tim, a friend of mine and of BLLL, recently emailed me, yes, Hussey and North are still capable of big scores but it happens so infrequently that it’s purely the law of averages rather than them imposing themselves on the game: A broken clock tells the right time twice a day, or, as Sidney Dean once said, “even the sun shines on a dog’s ass.” And seeing as though Callum Ferguson has been seemingly penciled in as a future Australian Test player for the past 3 or 4 years, what exactly has to happen for him to finally play? How embarrassingly impotent can this middle order get?

If Ferguson’s admittedly thin first class numbers don’t blow you away, or if both Hussey and North are to go, how about Usman Khawaja, the young lefty averaging 54 with seven 50s and six 100s? Or has Cam White shown enough to be a Test no 6? He’s certainly the best first slipper in the country, something the team has lacked since probably Mark Taylor’s departure. And if he can still contribute with the ball that would certainly help his cause.

At the very top of the order Phil Hughes is one player who had an excellent state record at a relatively young age, yet was not given the chance he deserved, especially considering the current openers are converted middle order players who have been given every chance. Post-Ashes you’d hope Katich makes way and Hughes is given an extended run.

It would be unwise to move Watson now given his recent form and especially if he continues bowling as well as he has been. (I love stump-to-stump medium pacers – Is there anything more enjoyable in sport than a plumb LBW appeal/send-off?) Clarke stays in the team almost by default, but under the condition that he never again appear in twenty20 games or underwear commercials. And Ponting can stay if he’s big enough to slide to 5 or 6 and play without being captain. (This technique seems to work for most batsmen who give up that responsibility late in their careers. And, to be honest, he's still probably Australia's most damaging batsmen.) And Tim Paine coming in for Haddin is a formality.

As for bowling, Nathan Hauritz needs to be retired the way racehorses are retired – just pull out the screen and let Greg Chappell put him down humanely. Or at the very least, he should be sentenced to playing no higher level ever again than the Parramatta 3rds where a series of hungover tradesman repeatedly loft him over mid-on.

Steve Smith looks a little too much like Cam White 2.0 for my liking, Xavier Doherty seems to be a one day specialist but might be worth a look and Kerry O'Keefe's kid isn't quite there yet (from what I understand). Which leaves us with (drum roll, please!) Jason 'Krazy' Krejza, who was given a mysteriously short run considering, a) N Hauritz's inexplicable career and b) he almost bowled India out single-handedly in his 2nd match. He has 13 wickets from two matches and never got another look. That’s criminal. Plus, he’s a classic tail-end slogger, and there’s not enough of them left these days.

Ben Hilfenhaus should be first seamer picked if he’s fit, but the other two spots are an absolute battle as there is currently, and surprisingly, an amazing amount of depth in Australian fast bowling stocks. Do you go with the mercurial Mitch Johnson or the graft of Doug Bollinger? How about the great one-day numbers of Ryan Harris versus the hustle and bounce of Peter Siddle? If you want to go a bit younger then there’s the impressive Josh Hazlewood, Peter George who has debuted already, Mitchell Starc who looked terrific in his second one-dayer recently or even Stuey MacGill’s pick, New South Welshman Mark Cameron who, in 12 first class matches, has taken 10 wickets twice!

I’d find it hard to drop Mitchell Johnson, although he is frustrating. He looks capable of anything but appears only slightly above average most of the time. But he still rips out five completely unplayable deliveries a match. He’s essentially the cricket equivalent of Ryan Adams.

So I think my near future Test 12 (with apologies to Ryan Harris) looks like this:

Shane Watson (Valuable as the fourth seamer)
Phil Hughes (Needs some time but capable of massive scores)
Michael Clarke (Bit of a gamble at 3, maybe Punter stays here)
Callum Ferguson (Has the class but not the numbers… yet)
Dick Ponting (How many 100s would he make not having to face the new ball?)
Cam White (Not 100% sold on this but has better State numbers than Ferguson)
Tim Paine (Automatic selection post-Haddin)
Mitch Johnson (Worth it for the “Come Pick Me Up” moments)
Jason Krejza (Unless Steve Smith improves 80% in two months)
Ben Hilfenhaus (Love his work, top beard)
Peter Siddle (The team needs an enforcer)
Doug Bollinger (Hasn’t done much wrong since given a chance)

Now all we need is England to do their job and we might get a chance to… Wait, I’m relying on England winning in Australia? Ah, forget it, good luck for the 2013 season, Huss.

2010-10-20T17:31:00.002+11:00

The Brother(s) Grim, or, H.T.S. explained

I was convinced it was a two horse race. Kenny Hinkley or Brenton Sanderson. Mrs Watson and I both fell in to the Hinkley camp, me personally due to his greater breadth of experience and Brenton Sanderson’s mild case of H.T.S.

(Mrs. Watson explains: Unlike other Syndromes, HTS is not based in any way on medical, or even scientific actualities. It is instead, solely based on the appearance of individuals - the collective opinion that a person looks... weird. Sufferers of HTS are not commonly viewed as ugly, rather, are considered strange looking, and in fact, in most cases arouse curiosity in nearby parties. Paradoxically, despite their intriguing appearance, HTS sufferers almost always induce feelings extreme discomfort in any individual within visual proximity. The first cases of HTS (AKA: Harry Taylor Syndrome) were recorded in 2008. The seriousness of each HTS case is based on the following levels: Grant Denyer (Low Level); Christian Slater (Medium Level); Scottie Pippen (High Level); Harry Taylor (Very High Level); Christina Ricci (Too High).)

As for Chris Scott, I assumed he was included merely as “we’re doing our homework, casting a wide net, blah blah blah” ass-covering policy. I never actually considered that he was a real option; needless to say, his appointment as coach of Geelong came as somewhat of a shock. So what do we know about him?

With Brisbane, Scott won premierships, saw sustained success and was in the leadership group under coach Leigh Mathews. He then joined Fremantle as an assistant were he was credited with much of their recent turnaround.

Importantly, however, Scott was never a talented player. Indeed, in terms of talent you’d struggle to fit him in the top 20 of those Brisbane teams. Yet he made up for this with physical imposition (Chris, you will recall, was the one who immediately starting bumping the very recently dislocated shoulder of Nick Riewoldt), single-mindedness and a thorough attention to detail: All promising signs.

If you look at some of the most successful coaches of any sport, they are often these types of players; rarely does the star player make the transition to star coach, or, perhaps rarely does he want to. Lips was a back pocket player, same as Mick Malthouse and Kevin Sheedy (Leigh Mathews is the exception here). In the NBA, Phil Jackson, 10-time championship coach, was a bruising ‘hustle’ player for the Knicks in his day. In the NFL it is often offensive lineman and not quarterbacks who turn out to be the best coaches. Even the usually conservative Australian cricket board has in recent times appointed many critical thinkers who were average as players.

Maybe the great players relied on instinct, didn’t need to think or understand so much and as such couldn’t explain it. Or maybe the guys who had to fight harder for their place were forced to develop a deeper comprehension of the game. Either way, slightly above average players seem to make good coaches.

What the appointment of Scott also tells us is that The Cats are ready for a fresh start and an ‘outsider’ casting his eye over the place might just provide a little more objectivity. (For what it’s worth, Thompson is a monty to go to the bombers but I don't begrudge him anything after two flags. He can take a dump in the centre of Kardinia Park for all I care. Kinda like what Mark Blake has been doing. I have no idea about the loss of McCartney but as long as Brian Cook, and to a certain extent Neil Balme, are there it should be ok. Also, it’s probably not the best time for Frank “The Godfather” Costa to be stepping down but that was a long time planned so hopefully they have that sorted.)

Revealingly, during his last press conference, Lips mentioned that he and the coaching staff recognized the need to tweak the gameplan but could not get the 100% “buy in” required from the players. One of the first things Scott made a point of mentioning was that the younger talent on Geelong’s list needed to, and will be, given their opportunities. Given the complacency, the recent pre-Scott re-signings of Milburn and Wojcinski, plus the history of “spiritual” leader Matthew Scarlett vetoing some coaches (Darren Cresswell) while publically campaigning for others (Brenton Sanderson) how united a group is he going to inherit?

There is something about hope in sports that is more exhilarating than success. And perhaps if Scott had been in place a month earlier the club may have been a bit more bold and ruthless. It's apparently a deep draft and Geelong has six draft picks in the top 60 (15, 23, 36, 53, 57, 58) but only four available spots on the senior list. With Taylor Hunt, Daniel Menzel, Mitch Duncan and a few other pushing as well, perhaps there are still more changes to come.

Chris Scott has some tough decisions ahead, but if history is any guide, he’s not afraid of being the bad guy.

2010-10-09T10:08:00.003+11:00

Gold Coast Gary and the Case of the Missing Meat Pies

Captain: Let me get this straight; Lips is gone, Ablett is gone, Leigh Brown is a premiership player and you’re back. Am I in one of those Twilight Zone episodes where everything has changed but I’m the same?

Mrs Watson: I’m not back, and don’t pretend you watched the Twilight Zone - that shit was produced in the 60s. Regardless, you sound surprised about Ablett. Did you not see Dane Beams' sexual assault allegations on the horizon either?

Captain: Ablett leaving is second only to the closure of Beaumonts Pies as Geelong’s greatest tragedy. Still, as Dane Beams hasn’t apparently learnt yet, free will is alive and well. But, the friggin’ Gold Coast? Really? I guess you can’t buy taste. What do you think about my idea to re-recruit Nathan Ablett in a purely spite-driven move?

Mrs Watson: I pretty much base all my life decisions on spite, so naturally, I fully endorse your plan. I also suggest that once we’ve secured the deal, we trade him immediately to an Adelaide side thereby ruining his life as well. Do you know it’s legal to be Dean Brogan in Adelaide, Captain? And now Richard Tambling lives there. Can’t be a good place.

Captain: Speaking of gawky looking ruckmen and pointless trades, apparently there is ZERO interest around the league in your pet, Mark ‘Silkworm’ Blake. When he returns to KP with his tail between his legs, will he be given the no. 1 job or the Peter Street treatment? Is Trent West gone? Is Nathan Vardy a chance to play seniors? Is Dawson Simpson the reverse Neil Craig? This situation needs to be sorted out; to paraphrase Jeff Thomson, Tom Hawkins isn’t a ruckman’s asshole.

Mrs Watson: Hawkins isn’t a forward’s asshole either, apparently, but anyway... All this Mark Blake hating bothers me. I mean, sure, he’s a really fucking horrible footballer, but let’s not forget that Brad Ottens played only 6 games in 2009 and didn’t show up for the Grand Final. As far as I’m concerned, Blake deserves a break – whether you like it or not, he’s our most recent Premiership ruckman. Man, I hated Peter Street though. That guy was shit.

Captain: Poor old Bradley, he’s really fallen off the face of the earth, hasn’t he? Let me forward a reader question to you; how good can Trav Varcoe become? Is he capable, at least partially, of filling the Ablett void? And is there anyone else we can expect/hope to step up?

Mrs Watson: Travis Varcoe has hit the roof. He won’t get any better. And just to confirm, you’re asking me if he or anyone else is capable of filling Ablett’s void? Is that right?

Captain: ...

Mrs Watson: Ok. Well, let me put it this way. No one can fill Ablett’s void completely. Varcoe could probably fill say, 65, 70% of Ablett’s void, but someone else would have to fill in what’s left. Then you’ve got two people filling Ablett’s void. And who’s going to fill that’s person void?

Captain: …

Mrs Watson: [Look Captain, just a side note here... you’re really going to have to phrase your questions a little more carefully in the future.] What I’m trying to say is, we can’t expect to be completely satisfied with however this unfolds. But nevertheless, this scenario really excites me.

Captain: Yep. They really need to squeeze some of the kids into this team and find out what, exactly, we have. And start with Taylor Hunt, who has some pace and awareness and did not seemed fazed at all playing seniors. While you’re on a roll, Mrs W, make a call on the future of the following players: Ottens, Milburn, Rooke, Joel Corey and Cameron Ling.

Mrs Watson: 2011, for me, will be less about recruiting, and more about caching draft picks, playing some youngsters, and still making the eight. To achieve this, we’re gonna need Milburn (still probably handier than Mackie, in a sense), Ling and Corey. I can’t remember anything Ottens has done since the 2007 Grand Final, and due to injury, we’ve been essentially “doing without” him for some time. Rooke may find a place in a Cats side that needs him to just stand in the one spot, but other than that, him and his outrageous haircut will limp out his current contract, and that’ll be it.

Captain: I like this approach but is there any chance The Cats could transplant Max Rooke’s hair onto the P.O.D.? And perhaps Dasher’s testacles onto Andrew Mackie? Was that a cheap shot? Shannon Byrnes would have been odds-on there, surely. Who is going to coach this ragged outfit, W? I always enjoyed the work of Kenny Hinkley as a player. Any thoughts?

Mrs Watson: Malcolm Blight or Mark Williams. These would be my two choices. In fact, I propose a two pronged coaching setup. Something like this: Mark Williams coaches from the box, and Malcolm Blight from the sidelines. Chocco relays messages to Blighty, who is free to interpret and pass on as he sees fit. Either that or, yes, Ken Hinkley.

Captain: We’ve covered Nathan Ablett, Peter Street, Beaumonts pies, spiteful interstate moves, various voids and now Blighty; if it’s not the Twilight Zone, Mrs W, it must be Big League Little League.

2010-10-04T18:49:00.003+11:00

Rebuild, Reload and Relax

Whilst indifferently watching ‘Giant Douche vs. Turd Sandwich II’, I found myself pondering such questions as, ‘how long has Brent Macaffer been homeless?’ and ‘guess the higher number; Cloke’s jumper or IQ’. And it dawned on me how very good Geelong has been for such a long time and how unlikely it all was/is.

In the dark days of the early 00’s, when Paul Corrigan and Derek Hall were prominently involved, I’m fairly certain Mrs Watson would have sold his mother into slavery for a Cats flag – I won’t go in to what he may have done for a second – so to say the past four years have exceeded expectation is a bit like saying Stephen Milne is a bit dodgy; a massive understatement.

Since 2007 The Cats have a winning record of 74 – 14, have finished every season in the top two and won the two previously mentioned glorious premierships. They’ve been talked about as perhaps the most dominant side ever and certainly as one of the most entertaining. They have maintained a level of excellence over four years that is, in the modern, parity driven AFL, bordering on impossible (consider that during Geelong’s 2007 flag campaign, two of their most recent rivals, St Kilda and the Bulldogs, didn’t even play finals.) And I point this out because while Collingwood continues their celebrations/sexual assaults and the media are already counting how many more flags the current “Magpie dynasty” will win, it is worth remembering that periods of long domination in the AFL are the exception, not the rule. And we’ve seen all this before.

Late in 2008, Collingwood abandoned their typical man-on-man style and adopted a “box” zone defence. As far as I can tell, this seems to be a combination of the 2005 Swans ‘numbers to the contest’ style and essentially the zone that Hawthorn made famous in 2008. It works by having all 18 players push to surround the ball (2005 Swans) but spread evenly about 15m apart guarding a space and not an opponent (2008 Hawks). The opposition find it hard to move the ball because a legal kick must travel 15m, the distance they space their defenders. The only easy kick is directly backwards, which, if taken, will only move the Collingwood “box” forward and essentially ‘shorten’ their defensive field. Trying to run and handpass through the zone is difficult because as the zone moves with the ball, help is never far away; if you get past one man, he has teammates in grid formation already closing.

This system is pretty clever as it does not rely on beating your direct opponent (indeed you may not actually have one) but on discipline and hard work. You have to trust the zone and know where to be positioned and you need the fitness to get there. Offensively Collingwood are the same as ever; ride the boundaries when coming out of defence and a quick kick forward to a contest if won out of the middle. But with this “box” defence they look invincible. For now, anyway.

In 2005 and 2006 West Coast and Sydney’s equally ugly style of man-on-man play reaped dividends and media commentators were bemoaning the future where all games would be one big scrum. Likewise in 2008, Hawthorn won a premiership playing a “cluster” defence and, despite the media anointing them, the following year they failed to make the finals.

Just like Geelong’s answer to Sydney’s tight, man-on-man play was to continually play on and run and kamikaze handball and leave the opposition gasping, so too the “cluster” or “box” is answer to The Cats daring style. And soon enough we’ll have an answer to for this too (once you do break the zone the forward line is often waaaaaaaay open).

As for Geelong, they will begin a mini-rebuild, (more on this and Travis Varcoe to come) in the shadow of their recent greatness, with a new coach who hopefully watched both Grand Finals a lot more closely, and a lot less drunk, than I.

2010-09-29T12:10:00.002+10:00

Kissing the Lipless (Goodbye)

A week is a long time in footy, apparently. And a few things of note have happened since my last… Ok, forget it. Essentially the Geelong Football Club is falling apart and I’ve been quieter than Leon Davis on Grand Final day. Terrible job by me and I vow to do better over trade week, the draft period and even during the Ashes.

But for argument’s sake, let’s say I was suffering ‘burnout’ and that after four highly successful years I was unsure if I wanted to continue Big League Little League next year. You, as readers, would probably be likely to think, ‘thank you, but we’d like someone who actually gives a shit’. Perhaps you’d make more ‘mailing it in’ comments, perhaps you’d encourage me to lift, but eventually you’d stop reading.

Yes, I’m no longer talking about me. And yes, Mark-Bomber-Lips-Thompson ‘not knowing’ if he wants to coach again next season is as good as not wanting to.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not calling for his head. However this plays out, he will go down in history as not only Geelong’s greatest coach, (doing what so many before him failed to do, including another BLLL favourite Malcolm Blight) but possibly as the man behind the most dominant team and game-style in AFL history. Not only that but he was likeable, refused to play idiotic media games, gave birth to one of Mrs Watson’s more memorable nicknames and was at one stage rumored to be sleeping with half the housewives in Geelong West. Good times. But if his heart is longer 100% in it there will be more lost than gained by him staying around.

The Cats are at the most interesting of crossroads. Their record against top four teams this season was woeful. Against lesser opposition they were still able to turn it on for a quarter or two and put games away, but the kamikaze handball, play-on at all costs game-plan that produced 2 flags is no longer holding up against the best. Lips Thompson has only one more year to run on his contract, the country’s best player is on the verge of leaving and an extremely important trade and draft period are almost upon us. And now the coach is saying maybe he doesn’t want the job?

There’s no time for the club to wait and see any more. Change will come with or without their plans and they may not have a better opportunity to add a few new faces, lose a few old ones, implement some wrinkles into the game plan and find a new voice to yell at Andrew Mackie.

Some hard decisions need to be made and this is the time to make them. ‘Lips’ won’t be around to do it. Gary Junior either. But don’t worry, not everyone’s leaving. The Cats haven’t quite burnt me out just yet.

2010-09-11T23:11:00.004+10:00

If there's ever any doubt, there is no doubt

Last week Geelong went down to the Saints on a half free kick, they haven’t lost two games in a row since Henry Playfair was prominently involved and Freo haven’t played at the MCG ALL FRICKIN’ YEAR! I mean, really, did anyone, besides attention seeking assholes making the ‘anti’ pick, actually convince themselves of a Fremantle win?

The Semi-Final was merely a matter of getting through without injury and/or report (check, but close) and finding some form and confidence (double check). No, the test was always going to be the up-coming Prelim where Collingwood presents a very different, and to state the obvious, much more difficult challenge.

Here are some random thoughts on the Fremantle game, the up-coming Collingwood game and various other things.

• The Geelong forward line, nay, team looks 20% better with Podsy in it. When he started limping off in the 2nd quarter my heart needed to be manually restarted. Luckily someone at the bar had the correct iphone app.

• Interesting decision by Freo to play Aaron Sandilands. He was invisible up forward and around the ground he was moving slower than a Filipino SWAT team.

• I was pretty surprised about the dropping of Mackie but Muscles hasn’t been great for a while now. He’s like ‘Entourage’, trading on good form from two seasons ago.

• His replacement however, ‘Beans’ Lonergan, doesn’t exactly fill one with confidence. I mean, eventually even deer move out of the headlights, right?

• Just when Mark Harvey had most people fooled, he picks Des ‘Mirage’ Headland for the biggest game of their season, when he hadn’t played seniors since round four and a decent game since 2001. This was such a ridiculous, panic move that I can’t even think of a flimsy analogous gag.

• Did you see the shots of Max Rooke sitting in the stands? I think I would pay $2000 to spend a night drinking with him. I’m not even joking.

• I know Shaun McManus retired a couple of years ago but I didn’t realise that the Dockers had given his hair a new 3-year deal.

• Coming soon to Youtube: “The flying Wojcinski: part 3”

• Does anyone else get the feeling that Travis Varcoe is beginning to realise that, “hey, I might actually be good at this!”?

• Paul ‘Snapman’ might get the “Mr September” tag, but has ‘Tickets’ ever disappointed in a big game?

• Games like the Freo one always remind me just how deep Geelong run in the midfield. Ablett, Bartel, Selwood and Kelly were all outstanding, while Corey, Wojo and Varcoe were all extremely important. Not to mention Chappy and Steve Johnson, who went into the centre in the 4th quarter and actually looked good with some smart clearance work. (Oh, and how good was his no-look handpass? I don’t like showing opponents up after the game is all but over, but I did get a kick outta that.)

• The good thing about the Matthew Knights firing was that at least it didn’t come two seasons too late and after they’d given him a completely undeserved extension at over $800 000 a season… Oh, wait…

• The good thing about Brad Johnson’s retirement was that at least it didn’t come a season too late and after it derailed the Bulldogs season and forced his manager to make a ridiculous excuse like getting hit with a slow-moving golf-cart was the real problem… Oh, wait…

• Hey, did you guys know that apparently Brett Kirk was the “heart & soul” of the Sydney Swans? I had no idea!

• Joel Corey at halfback seems to be working out well (but who’s his match-up against Collingwood?) which means it’s harder to squeeze Mackie back in. If I were a Geelong nightclub bouncer I’d be on high alert.

• Lips has started early this week, calling Collingwood jealous of Geelong’s recent success. I believe Mick Malthouse responded with “are not!”

• I would like to unreservedly apologise for that last joke. Even ‘Lehmo’ would have left that one on the cutting room floor.

• Actually, ‘Lehmo’ would have run with it and followed it up with “then he ran home and told his mum” as the applause light flashes furiously in an attempt to drown out the sound of a lifeless mule getting flogged, Dave Hughes groaning and Mick Molloy pining for Tony Martin to save his career again.

• Good thinking by Mick Malthouse to launch his website this week, he’ll have plenty of time to update it after Friday. (Seriously, what is the point of it? The only thing I hope happens is that he uses it to continually undermine Nathan Buckley next season, which I wouldn’t past him.)

• Is anyone really worried about Chris Dawes? He sounds like an electrician. And is being described as “Koschitzke-like” supposed to be a compliment or insult? Have we decided this yet?

• And finally, Godspeed Big League readers, something tells me this one is going to 2007-esque. Better update that apple De-fib app.

2010-08-23T19:49:00.002+10:00

Ten Things, or, how to mail it in

As we arrive at the business end of the season, the past three weeks have given us a good indication of where Geelong is at. Playing against a rampant Collingwood, a top-four Western Bulldog team and Carlton, who had beaten Geelong the past two times out, has been an excellent preparation for finals and excellent way to ‘fine-tune’ right up until the very last moment. So, here’s 10 things we’ve learned.

1) James Podsiadly is definitely in Geelong’s best 22.
His hands have always been good and his kicking for goal always pretty reliable, but now it seems his second efforts and his ability to run the game out have improved. He always provides a contest when deep in the forward line, bringing the ball to ground if he cannot mark it himself. And, importantly, his willingness to push up the ground and provide an option through the middle and coming out of defense has been really impressive. That ‘link’ man is vital and when he gets it he usually moves the ball quickly into attack, even if it is without the accuracy or finesse of some of his teammates.

2) Tom Lonergan is not.
The coaching staff gave him a good run at it, and he has been okay at times, but too often errors, seemingly due to a lack of confidence, have lead to opposition goals. And it seems to happen more often against quality opposition, which is a liability come September. Plus, the Geelong defense has seemed top-heavy and slow with him, Scarlett, Taylor, Mackie and Milburn; not too many teams have two good tall forwards, let alone three, and the aforementioned players seem capable enough to match-up with anyone. The past two weeks the side has seem much more balanced, with more run from the back half, which is important. Also, when Jeremy Laidler came into the senior team he seemed just as capable as Lonergan, if not more so. I’ll be surprised if he plays again, barring injury.

3) Josh Hunt is almost Geelong’s most reliable defender.
I still trust Scarlett more, but Josh is now entrusted with the most dangerous small forward every week and has rarely been beaten. Mrs. Watson and I used to joke that every week the opposition’s game plan was simply to isolate Josh Hunt and his man in the goal square. And for a while the Bulldogs used to do just that, usually with Brad Johnson. If that were to happen today (although the 40-foot fork sticking out Johnson’s back would probably prevent him from getting into the ground) I would not only be comfortable with it, I’d be confident that Josh would beat whomever he was on. Also, his decision making, his tackling and his willingness to help teammates has improved. And he’s still a terrific kick, which helps.

4) Hawkins vs. Blake: Nil-all draw.
I’ve still undecided on this. The equation is simple enough; tap-work versus around the ground performance. Which means Hawkins’ work around the ground has to be significantly better than Blake’s because his tap-work is non-existent. Against the Dogs, a game in which you would struggle to find a bad Geelong player, Hawkins hardly got a possession until the last quarter, 20 minutes after the Bulldogs had fallen apart worse than the plot in Mission Impossible 2. Against Carlton he seemed to be slightly better, pushing forward to take a few grabs and kick a few goals but faded as the game went on. Blake gave away too many free kicks in ruck contests (granted, always a crap-shoot) but also tapped a few straight down the throat of the Cats midfield. Plus, he didn’t look too bad everywhere else. So the question remains, as each has yet to make a compelling case. My gut feel is that they’ll go with Hawkins for two main reasons; he can go forward and take a grab and the improving health of Brad Ottens.

5) Injuries and fitness are coming good at the right time.
Bomber Thompson and his staff have been through this a few times now and they obviously have an approach that they think gives the team the best chance at a premiership – a proven approach. The aforementioned Ottens is pulling his usual ‘6 games a year routine’, Scarlett looks to have shaken off some rust, Harry Taylor has come back after a couple of weeks out, Joel Corey is back in the team (looking in need of match practice, it must be said) and Jimmy Bartel is finally playing in short sleeves and looking himself again. There a still a few missing, most notably Max Rooke, who is apparently playing VFL this week, but they should all be available for finals. I’d expect Chapman, with the shoulder knock he took, not to mention his history of wafer thin hamstrings, to get a rest this week to freshen up.

6) The depth is looking okay.
Earlier in the year Mitch Duncan came into the team and impressed as a running, goal-kicking flanker, and in the past few weeks Taylor Hunt has gotten a few games, Laidler played one and Daniel Menzel made his debut. (How much does Menzel look and move like Andrew Mackie?) All of these players have not looked out of their depth at all, and all provide something different and to different parts of the ground; Laidler can play as that half-tall/half-small Milburn or Harley type role; Taylor Hunt is a quick running back flanker or winger; and Menzel seems a clever, natural footballer who gets in a lot of the right spots and takes his chances.

7) Geelong’s assumed best 22.
B: Josh Hunt, Scarlett, Enright
HB: Mackie, Taylor, Milburn
C: Bartel, Selwood, Corey
HF: Steve Johnson, Mooney, Chapman
F: Stokes, Podsiadly, Byrnes
Foll: Ablett, Ling, Ottens
Int: Kelly, Wojcinski, Hawkins, Varcoe.

In the game against Carlton, missing from this line-up were Ling, Ottens and Mackie, replaced with Blake, Taylor Hunt and Daniel ‘Mackie’ Menzel. Ottens obviously walks in for, most likely, Blake, but possibly Hawkins; Mackie and Menzel are probably interchangeable in more ways than one; which means Taylor Hunt would make way for Ling. However, the balance of the team may be upset by these ‘obvious’ changes. Depending on your choice of second ruckman, you are robbing the forward line of an option. Likewise, Mackie plays off half-back, Menzel half-forward. And, although it may be harsh, and perhaps premature, if Ling can no longer perform a shutdown role, then the team may be better served sticking with the run and carry of Taylor Hunt. It’s unlikely, but worth a minute’s thought.

8) Geelong needs to improve its clearance work.
I’m convinced that clearances are the key to winning. When the ball is to be bounced (or thrown up) ball possession is completely neutral and teams are therefore unsure or unwilling (theoretically speaking) to ‘set-up’ one way or the other. By winning the clearance the opposition is at its most exposed, as it does not have time to push help behind the ball (unless you’re Ross Lyon) and your forwards have an even chance to win the ball.

There were some interesting, and largely incorrect, reactions from the Collingwood loss, about what went wrong and what it all meant. The backline held up pretty well considering the weight of ball that was getting down there. And, conversely, considering how little it got down there, the forward line functioned quite well. So, as boring as it sounds, it all comes down to the midfield, and specifically, clearances, and Collingwood dominated the clearances against Geelong.

So why did Geelong struggle so much in the clearances that day? This is more difficult to answer, but the following were contributing factors; Jimmy Bartel was well below his best, presumably carrying injury; an injured Cameron Ling struggled on Pendlebury; and the below par performance of Geelong’s ruck division. Against both the Dogs and Blues the clearances were better, but still can be improved upon by rectifying the previously listed issues.

9) Win the first final, win the flag.
(Okay, not exactly, but it has a ring to it, ya know? And technically speaking we didn’t learn this in the past month, but it’s worth mentioning so I’ll push on, okay?)

As odd as it sounds, Geelong needs to win for their confidence. If they can get over that first week, they’ll feel back to their best and back in familiar surrounds; late September. Also, the week off has a number of fitness advantages and could prevent them from potentially meeting Hawthorn in an elimination final. It seems fairly certain that it will be Geelong v St. Kilda so it will be no pushover but it’s also a chance to gain an edge over a premiership rival.

10) Roll on September.
(By the way, that “8.9 on the mailing it in scale” comment cracked me up. And as always, thanks for reading.)

2010-07-27T19:50:00.002+10:00

An Apology For Idling

Just quickly: I am in the midst of an extended sabbatical, hence the little-to-no output. I know, I know, Mrs Watson-esque!

But I think I will return once the season gets down to the business end.

For the record, I still think St. Kilda is the biggest threat, as their game style holds up well in September: As ugly as it is, defence wins the big ones. This is why I still have some questions about Hawthorn. Granted, they have found some form at the right time, but that back six is shakier than Matthew Knight's job. (Note: I just read the Prismall comment, and while I agree that he should be getting a game, does it perhaps say something about Geelong's structure making players look better than they are?) Collingwood and the Bulldogs are just ramping up for their annual Spetember disappearing act. And the best we can hope for from Freo is probably behind them.

As for the Cats, no need for concern at this point. I'm pretty sure, just like me, they're in full-on "wake me up when it's September" mode. And there's still good players to come back into the side. Speaking of which, how good is Trav Varcoe looking these days? I think Mrs Watson is ready to propose.

Till then, folks.

2010-06-02T23:05:00.002+10:00

LOST (in the great soup bowl, again)

My fellow Big Leaguers,

Rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.

Yes, it’s been a long time between drinks, but my absence was necessary. You see, it was all part of an experiment into, among other things, the AFL and its changing media landscape, the possession of inanimate objects (beanies) by long-dead strangers, the effects of a diet consisting solely of Cooper’s pale ale and a variety of deli meats and a crazy island in the middle of nowhere with time travel and polar bears and smoke monsters and immortality and a really, really unsatisfactory cop-out ending that… Wait, what was I saying?

After 4 weeks in a sensory deprivation tank, Mrs Watson saw the writing on the wall, and with a gentle swing of a correctly weighted, measured and fitted fairway driver, he broke the glass labelled, “Break in case of Absurdity”. He began frantically filling me in on all that had been happening: the sex scandals, the drug scandals, the cross-code scandals… but I had to stop him. With a smug, Desmond-like smile a reassured him that, yes, brother, I know.

You see, the tank I was in, much like the island in “Lost”, was no ordinary saltwater stink pool. No, I was able to flash forward, backward, sideways and even into a realm where Richmond won a game… Wait, that actually happened?

Regardless, I have come back with a clear vision of the future and can now reveal to you what this scandalous period of AFL all means and how it all eventually unfolds. (And if doesn’t work out the way I say it does, then YOU’RE ALREADY DEAD AND THIS IS PURGATORY!!!)

Stay-in-the-closet-gate:
When Jason Akermanis used his barely read, or readable, Herald-Sun column to say that, guess what, the enlightened men of the AFL may not like having gay teammates, he was not doing this to “get the subject out in the open”, or to “start a dialogue between idealogically opposed sides” nor even to “lube up the backdoor of communication”. No, he was merely, as always, and metaphorically speaking you filthy queers, taking one for the team. With the Bulldogs’ on-field stink pouring right in through the premiership window, this was a clever diversion orchestrated right out of Whitten Oval to take the heat off the team: Rocket Eade didn’t give this article the green light, he wrote it himself! How Machiavellian of him! Keep your friends close and your enemies closer… Unless they happen to be gay… Then write a national newspaper column about how you wouldn’t want them on your team.

Pregnant-underage-girl-gate:
On the surface, this appeared to be pretty shifty; a couple of Saints players conduct a school football clinic, meet some underage chicks and faster than you can say “statutory rape”, a 17 year-old girl is pregnant and amazingly Stephen Milne is not involved.

That’s what it looks like.

And that looks pretty shifty.

But that’s only what it looks like, on the surface. What will eventually be revealed is a plot so sinister and deeply involved that it will make the Kennedy assassination look as complex as an episode of Scooby-fucking-do. Those girls were not chosen at random, or because they were the only schoolgirls in the area happy to play piggy-in-the-middle with the Saints half-back line, no, this is about systematic list building through future father-son draft selections: These weren’t auskick clinics, they were physical trials! In my day, footy clinics were about a bit of a run around, a bit of a laugh and the end they maybe gave you a free footy. Now, if you have no congenital defects and can run the 400 in under a minute you get inseminated! I know what you’re saying, ‘That’s all well and good, Captain, you magnificently handsome bastard, but how did they get the girls to go along with this?’ Well, I can answer that in two words; subliminal messaging. Did you know that if you play that atrocious “Saints Footy!” ad backwards it actually says, ‘youth stay pure, sleep with Sam Gilbert’? The Nazi’s used propaganda, the St Kilda FC uses cheap, off-peak television advertising. And I don’t want to blow any more minds here, but Nick Riewoldt looks awfully Aryan, doesn’t he?

Mick-Malthouse-calls-Stephen-Milne-a-fucking-rapist-gate:
Nothing to report there, it’s what we were all thinking.

Coke-gate:
Ok, so it was recently “revealed” that Michael Johnson was caught by police using cocaine… Wrong again! The Dockers, after years and years of futility, made a significant change to their management model this off-season by hiring Geelong’s leadership trainers, “Leading Teams”. And as part of their recommendations, and following in the Cats hard stance on Matthew Stokes, Fremantle and the WA police staged this entire incident purely to build team discipline and morale. It’s genius! It sends a strong message to the other players (who weren’t in on it), it galvanizes the team in the short-term without Johnson and it gives them a huge emotional lift when he eventually returns. Think about it, it has to be a plan. I mean, otherwise it just means that a massive amount of AFL players, including ones you would never suspect, are doing cocaine… Now who sounds crazy?

Over-the-hill-VFL-chump-becomes-star-gate:
Admit it; you thought the P.O.D. would be handy to have during Ottens’ annual injury holiday and Mooney’s suspensions… But none of you thought that he would actually turn out to be a Frankenstein-type monster brought to life in a lab buried in the bowels of Kardinia Park to roam the Cats forward line using the DNA of Kane Tenance, did you?

2010-05-04T22:05:00.004+10:00

The Switch

The first six rounds of season 2010 have been as unpredictable as any season in recent memory. The serial basket case Dockers are playing well above where I (and most others) expected them to be and could almost be undefeated. Adelaide, a top four team last season, is winless and Hawthorn has a fork sticking out them so big that Brad Johnson is jealous.

Check out this chain of results: Melbourne has beaten Brisbane, Brisbane has beaten WC, WC has beaten Essendon, Essendon beat Carlton, Carlton beat Geelong, Geelong smashed Port and the very next week Port beat St. Kilda. The Saints have beaten the Western Bulldogs, the Dogs beat Hawthorn, the Hawks beat Melbourne and Melbourne beat… Etc.

So what’s going on? How can previously hapless teams turn the corner so quickly? What light bulb goes off that allows them to reach their potential? How does a team transform, almost overnight, into an elite unit and vice-versa? How many of the same questions, phrased differently, can I use in the same paragraph?

Think back to round 5, 2007. Coming off a crap-the-bed 2006 season, Geelong capitulated at home to a very average North Melbourne team. Bomber Thompson was favourite to be the first coach boned, the players looked like they didn’t want to be there and Mrs Watson still knew that Big League existed.

During the following week there was some sort of mysterious meeting and then Geelong proceeded to kick the shit out of everyone on their way to a record setting 119 point Grand Final win.

Think about that for a minute.

The same playing list (plus Joel Selwood, I must admit) as the 2006 fuck-ups start ’07 in the same inconsistent way. They then have a meeting and turn into the best football team of all-time.

I mean, was this meeting at a crossroad at midnight? Did Steve Johnson trade his soul for a Norm Smith medal? What exactly was said and how could it be so Earth shattering that as professional football athletes they hadn’t heard it before? We have heard the reports about “accountability” and “telling some home truths” and “playing for each other” but this is all vague pseudo-psych talk. What we really want to know is what does this, in a practical, athletic, footballing sense, manifest as and why can’t teams simply do that?

This, I can not answer.

I suspect it is something to do with a maintaining of effort, intensity, a singular focus and these sorts of things. A disappointing conclusion, perhaps, but these sorts of things are never clearly defined by those who should know better. And even more mysterious is how this mentality spreads, or fails to spread, to 21 other men (although I, unlike Lips Thompson, will exempt Gary Junior here).

The 2010 Cats, after three impressive finals runs, will perhaps find it more difficult than others in keeping the switch firmly in the “on” position – the lay down against Carlton a couple of weeks back may have simply been a symptom of this – but they do, more than anyone else, know exactly how to find it when they need it most.

2010-04-07T18:21:00.004+10:00

Question & Answer, or, Don't Stop Believin'

Firstly, thanks to all who responded with questions or comments or comments disguised as questions. Some questions didn’t make it for space, some because they were essentially rhetorical and some because I couldn’t think of any jokes, but thanks to all nonetheless.

Secondly, we have to work out this Chris Jackson thing. One of you needs to us a nickname or a full(er) name or something. I’m even quite happy to throw it over to the other readers for some suggestions after I offer up the humble “CJ”. And how is it possible that a blog with four readers ends up with two of the same name? Never mind. On to the questions, starting with “you know who”…

Who do you think best qualifies for the following statement in the AFL: “They are like the island in "Lost" - you never know who will show up next or who might be brought back from the dead." Dogs, Saints or Freo?
- Chris Jackson

Captain: Can I also nominate Adelaide? The missing 75 pieces of Trent Hentschel’s knee have shown up, the corpse of Brett Burton is currently being resurrected and the skill that made them a top four side is clearly stuck in some sort of alternate universe.

Is there a current AFL big name player that is pound for pound more of a big game liability than Kosi?
- Fustercluck

Captain: The short answer is, other than several Bulldogs, no. The long answer is the first of a possibly ongoing gimmick called, “Overrated-Underrated”! (Sort of like a mini-blog within a blog. 2-for-1 this week! Shop around, you can't beat that!)

Overrated
Justin Kosichtzke – When asked on Footy Classified two weeks ago if Kosi was overrated, Grant Thomas replied with something close to, ‘he’s not, but his output has not matched expectations.’ Hmm, did you not just define overrated?

Anyone other than St Kilda or Geelong – The flag still goes through these two. The Dogs, Pies and Hawks are all just flavour of the month stuff.

My hangover back-up-ability – Overrated only by me; Mrs Watson buried me (and a few others) during this year’s annual Easter Bender. He’s unstoppable. At this point I’m pretty sure he has the same kidney/liver capacity as Keith Richards.

Cyril Rioli – Named No. 37 on Sheahan’s top 50 ahead of Marc Murphy, Shaun Higgins, Bernie Vince and Brad Sewell, to name a few. Then Dermott Brereton apparently called him potentially the best Aboriginal player ever. Hmm, let’s see; Andrew McLeod, Adam Goodes and Gavin Wanganeen, three Brownlow medallists mind you, or a flash in the pan, two-good-things-a-game, soft-as-shyte, crumbing forward flanker? Mike and Dermott, get f#cked.

Richmond’s future – If one’s future is so bright they have to wear shades, what do Richmond need, one of those mining helmets with the torch on top?

Bryce Gibbs – An excellent kick, yes, but other than that I just don’t see it. But perhaps I’m being a little harsh/premature.

Grill’d Burger – They keep popping up while Urban Burger keeps closing down.

Steve Johnson – Look, Steve, we appreciate what you’ve done the past few years, and everyone loves the impossible boundary line goals, but could you try and take possession without diving for a free kick just once this year? You’re turning into Geelong’s Jurgen Klinsman. You’re turning Mrs Watson into the Incredible Hulk; he just ends up growling that you’re making him, “so angry”.

Underrated
Sydney (The Swans, not the city) – Two wins from two games and they appear to be playing a more up-tempo style of play with Adam Goodes playing deep in the forward 50.

Mrs Watson’s straight line speed – He’s deceptively fast.

Tom Lonergan – Kept Scott Gumbleton to virtually nothing in Round One, backed it up with an excellent job on Buddy Franklin last week and, importantly, he hasn’t been giving away those ridiculous free kicks that plagued him last season.

Harry Taylor – Best centre-half back in the league. Would probably go alright at CHF too.

Josh Hunt’s return to Geelong’s defence – His kicking was excellent against the Hawthorn zone when precision was needed. I’d still like to see him get up the ground a little bit more and drive the ball deep in the forward 50.

Urban Burger – I just prefer them, ok?

Malcolm Blight – The most interesting commentator we’ve got and Channel 10 bury him on Sunday afternoons, doing Adelaide v North Melbourne games. Remember when he said “Rat’s toss-bag” on live TV as Stephen Quartermain stared on in disbelief? Good times.

Is it possible that I have been too hard on Shannon Byrnes in the past?
- Tee from Vancouver

Captain: No, he thoroughly deserved it, but I like to think it was character building; or, as his lawyers called it, “character assassination”.

Oh, and here's a question - under Chris Judd as captain, West Coast imploded and were exposed as a bunch of mafia wannabes and drug fiends. Under Chris Judd as captain, Carlton have been exposed as bunch of wannabe footballers and drunken clowns - what cursed luck. Given Judd can do no wrong, and is as close to a Mother Theresa/Ghandi figure that the AFL has ever seen, does that make him the gosh darndest unluckiest captain there has ever been?
- Atilla

Captain: There’s a bit of Jaques Kallis about Judd, I reckon; Terrific at what he does, probably one of the best of all time, but too aloof and self-centred to be given leadership responsibilities. So, you let him do his thing on the field, keep his media to a minimum and give the captaincy to someone the players actually like, or, a massive cheat who wagers on his own games with Indian bookmakers… Kinda like what Adelaide did.

Should I be concerned that I no longer give a shit whether Gazza stays or leaves?
- Chris Jackson in London

Captain: This is the correct Zen state to adopt: Gary is both staying and not staying.

Where will Tom Hawkins go this year? Will he ever get close to his pre-drafted reputation?
- Dean Sherr

Captain: Tommy B. Hawkins is not going to be Jonathon Brown. We all need to accept that. But will he improve? Undoubtedly. He looked pretty good against Hawthorn the way he was jumping into packs and attacking the ball, and soon enough a few of those are going to stick. I think absolute best case scenario is Stewart Loewe lite.

Will I ever be able to afford a house in Herne Hill? Anyone got Stokes number?
Will bigleaguelittleleague be added to Senator Conroy's internet Filter? When the Chinese take over, who would be their favorite team in the AFL?
- Geraldo at large

Captain: The answers to these questions all tie in together like a series of The Wire. It involves Triads, corrupt sporting officials, a meth lab, an iphone app and several signed Mathew Stokes jerseys. As Lester Freamon said, “all the pieces matter”.

Why the hell does everyone suddenly love Barry Hall these days? Why did I not hear "Don't stop believing" for 15 years between 1994 and 2009, then hear it 7,216 times in 2009?
- Chris Jackson

Captain: Maybe the same thing is happening with Barry Hall as happened with Journey: Maybe people went, “You know what, it’s great to have some Barry Hall back in my life!” But, like Journey, Barry will eventually remind people why no-one wanted to hear his song for the past two years.

Captain, have you actually found an interesting and entertaining use for Twitter?
- Captain, Big League Little League

Captain: Yeah, that’s right; I’m asking myself a question. And funny I should mention twitter, because I will be providing live tweets throughout a yet to be chosen, live televised Geelong game at some point this year. So for those who are not on twitter, get involved and join me (and hopefully Mrs W) @bigleaguelittle on Twitter and I’ll keep you updated on when we’ll be doing this. I look forward to several “Russell Robertson is doing Nothern Territory infomercials?” jokes!

2010-03-25T18:12:00.007+11:00

Season Preview 2010, or, Lack of Sub-Title

Due to unforeseen illness (his first flu in about 12 years) Mrs Watson was waylaid and left me to carry the torch alone for this years season preview. So without further ado…

The Shit-boxes (Leyland P76 teams)

Richmond
Did anyone see the article written by Mike Sheahan a few weeks back essentially excusing the Terry Wallace years? The title of the piece was, “He never had a chance”. Wait, didn’t he have five years worth of chances? Am I missing something? The incompetence at this place is astounding, I mean, they’ve played finals twice since 1982 and still they’re deluded enough to talk themselves into the Jack Riewoldt era. We need to burn the place down or move them to Tasmania or something. They’ve worn me down to the point that I can’t even muster the energy to come up with a clever or even coherent opening paragraph.

Melbourne
The Demons have been absolutely piss poor for about three years and not much will change this year. Since I have nothing more to add, I thought I’d let you know that this season I won’t be entering a Supercoach team and will instead be acting as Mrs Watson’s head scout. Basically I still get to say things like, “dude, you need to consider Beau Waters” and “I don’t think Adam McPhee’s WAFL points count” and suffer none of the consequences. Good times.

Fremantle
I have an on-going wish to see Mark Harvey appear on a “Mastermind” type quiz show. It would just be the host continually firing questions at Harvey while he stared, slack-jawed and not answering, until his time ran out. Hmm, now that I think about it, that kind of sums up his coaching regime at Freo.

The Dump in the Mailbox

Carlton
Let’s see; Carlton lost their 100-goals-a-year full-forward and their big off-season signing was the corpse formerly known as Brock McLean? Does their recruiting manager have any game tapes after 2004? Also, this will be Big League Little League’s first year of “openly taking shots at Chris Judd because he’s an insincere, self-aggrandizing wanker”. Good times.

West Coast
John Worsfold is fast becoming the Kevin Sheedy of Perth: He’ll be in that job as long as he wants or until they drag him kicking and screaming through a media shit fight like they had to do with Kev. What an asshole… both of them.

Essendon
Whenever Matthew Knights is speaking about Essendon’s long-term plan, or the exciting times ahead, or all the young talent they’ve got on their list, can’t you just envisage their fans waking up in 2015 and realising all they’ve got to show for it is one finals berth and a couple of hollow victories over Carlton? He’s basically Terry Wallace with a lazy eye.

The Richmond Memorial “Battle for Ninth” Division

North Melbourne
Both Mrs W and I have a bit of a soft spot for the Roos, they’re like the bizarro Richmond: no money, no members, smart and united off the field and always better than they should be on it. I’m deadly serious; Richmond fans should just pick a new team and start again.

Brisbane
I’m not convinced about Brisbane. Michael Voss pushed all-in this off-season, trading for a host of perennial underachievers and perennial dip-shit Brendan Fevola. And although a Fev/Jon Brown forward line sounds imposing, their back-line is more suss than Andrew Lovett’s New Year’s Eve activities. I am excited about Fev potentially hanging out with rugby league players, though, that won’t end badly at all.

Port Adelaide
(Interior of a bar: The Captain and Mrs W are half-watching a Port pre-season game)
Captain: Hey, that guy looks like a slow, awkward and completely washed up version of Warren Tredrea…
Mrs Watson: (Silence…)
Captain: It… It is actually Warren Tredrea…
Mrs Watson: (Silence…)
Captain: That was a joke…
Mrs Watson: (Silence…)
Captain: It’ll be funnier in print.

Sydney
Weird team, I reckon. For the past 10 years they’ve been my least favourite team to watch on TV (probably tied with Port Adelaide) because of their ugly game style, the ridiculous SCG and the fact that Dwayne Russell is usually commentating. They always seem to recruit pretty well, though, and this year they have an interesting mix of young guys to throw with the usual suspects. I wonder, with Longmire poised to take over next season, if Paul Roos might take the shackles off a bit.

Time + Location = Frisky

Hawthorn
Sam Mitchell still leads the unofficial poll for “Who would you most like to see decapitated during an AFL match?”

Collingwood
Is it just me, or does every season start with Mick Malthouse saying his club are “better placed than they’ve ever been” to win a premiership? And doesn’t every season end with them being a “good but not great” team, mostly due to their predictable, unimaginative game-plan? Listen, Mick, that shit worked in Perth when you had the massive WACA wings and the best line-up of steroid-riddled assassins assembled since the 1960s East German Olympic teams but it’s time to face facts; Buckley has your job, Eddie has your nuts and if your best player is Dane Swan the only thing you’re better placed for than last year is a drunk and disorderly charge. Good day, sir!

Adelaide
There’s something mechanical and menacing, but ultimately deficient about the Crows: They are a physical, well-drilled team with a collection of blonde guys, who all look like privileged assholes, who like to beat up on the lesser teams. Essentially they are the Cobra Kai of the AFL. Don’t be surprised to see Bernie Vince, Nathan Van Berlo and crew chase a terrified David Zaharakis onto a Glenelg beach and kick the crap out of him before bombing out in the prelim.

The Bill Braskys

Western Bulldogs
Ah, the dogs; everybody’s tip for this year’s flag. They’re like Avatar at the Oscars, only with a storyline. And that storyline is old men. They even wheeled them out for the NAB Cup Grand Final. To be honest, they looked slick as shit in the pre-season; fit, strong, skilful, relentless and like they could blow anyone away. But history shows that they’ve not played their best in their biggest moments. So, after another super impressive regular season, and with the pressure of big finals and old men brewing, I look forward to Robert Murphy’s annual disappearing act.

St Kilda
Mrs Watson’s iphone screen saver is the famous picture of Riewoldt and Kosi spooning and crying after the Grand Final. And every now and then, we’ll be at a bar or something, and Watson’s phone will be sitting on the table between us, and one of us will catch glimpse of it and everything is all right again.

Geelong
The Cats recent history has in some ways mirrored parts off the great Muhammad Ali’s career. 2007 was like Ali 1960-64: Knocking everyone out within 4-5 rounds and eventually doing the same to an overmatched Sonny Liston (Port Adelaide) in his first Title fight (Grand Final).

The second phase, 1965-71, saw Ali fend off several challengers but eventually lose his title in a 15 round slugfest to Joe Frazier (Hawthorn) who would become a bitter rival.

In the third title fight, Ali was up against a young, hungry George Foreman (St Kilda) who had been demolishing everyone and, it was largely assumed, was going to do the same to the recently defeated champ. After letting Foreman punch himself into exhaustion (kicking point after point) Ali came to life in the eighth round (fourth quarter) eventually setting Foreman up with a left hook (Scarlett toe poke) before landing a crushing straight right to the face (Chapman’s goal) which sent him crashing to the canvas (Riewoldt and Kosi spooning).

Memorably, Ali, seemingly past his prime, had one more great fight left in him, willing himself to victory in probably the greatest and most brutal boxing match of all time.

Here’s hoping The Cats have a “Thrilla in Manilla” left in them.

2010-03-17T17:45:00.004+11:00

He loves us, he loves us not

While Mrs Watson and I toil away at our up-coming season preview, I thought I’d take the chance to add my two cents to the over-flowing and diseased water fountain that is this most annoying of issues. And I've seen it all before.

Countless times in American sports I've watched a player get drafted, build a career with his original team and when his contract is up, he’s faced with a choice: (significantly) more money somewhere else, or the on-going comraderie of team-mates, the continued love of fans, the comfort of an established home base and the probability of more team success. And you know what 95% of players choose? Yep, the money. And that 5% is only there as my margin for error; I can’t actually recall one player giving the “home team discount”.

Now, is Australia’s culture different to that of the USA’s? No doubt, but we’re getting closer. Teams are doing pre-season training at high-altitude, players are crying after games [and spooning. Justin Koschitzke, I'm looking in your direction. - Mrs Watson] and clubs are employing full-time leadership consultants and psychologists. We’re about two years away from a “Some Kind of Monster” type documentary that follows the trials and tribulations of Matthew Knights, Jobe Watson and the Essendon leadership group as a clingy therapist clumsily takes part in handball drills and pleads his case for a spot in the forward pocket. But I digress.

Ablett, despite the heritage, has never struck me as particularly loyal, or connected to Geelong. Neither did his old man, for that matter. If, for example, GC17 came sniffing around Cameron Ling’s backdoor we would not be having this conversation: Ling would captain Geelong for $12.50 an hour and a Lamby’s VIP card. But Ablett? He seems aloof enough to be able to walk away from Geelong with a completely clear conscience.

Now, on top of this, throw in these facts: At Geelong he has won two premierships, a club best & fairest, two AFL MVP awards, countless All-Australian selections and a Brownlow medal. In other words, he's done more than enough for the club and has nothing left to achieve in Geelong.

On the Gold Coast, being a much quieter AFL market than Melbourne, the reclusive Gary Jnr would be left alone to shop, surf and eventually appear in “Underbelly 8: Gold Coast Bikini Party”.

And did I mention his family lives there? That’s right, not only does Gaz Senior, aka God, now live up there, but his nut-job brother signed there in what Ari Gold would call a “family deal”. (Speaking of Entourage, I think we should refer to Nathan Ablett as Johnny Drama from now on.)

So, to recap: An aloof, recently single, media-shy star with nothing left to prove and no family connections left in Geelong has the chance to play with his brother, live in anonymity and spend his spare days on some of the world’s best beaches in 25 degree weather.

Oh, and the Gold Coast can pay him twice as much as Geelong (legally) can.

So long, Gary, we’ll always have Paris.

2010-02-26T17:48:00.004+11:00

Fwee Agency: A 4th, 5th & 6th Way to Pay Gary

For the four-plus years Mrs Watson and I have been writing this blog, we’ve done our best to stay away from the administrative side of the game. You know, the uninteresting, politicking, largely irrelevant side of the AFL, otherwise known as “Caroline Wilson’s paycheque”.

But with the introduction of free agency, the looming spectre of two new clubs and Don Costa’s staggering admission that, “Yes, I pay Gary Junior an enormous wage outside the salary cap and the AFL are ok with it because I made them an offer they couldn’t refuse”, I thought I was due.

As recently as a couple of years ago the AFL were against free agency but the Mexican stand-off type situations we’ve seen at trade week probably changed their mind. Well, that or a quiet strike threat by players association. But at least they’ve done their due diligence: Adrian Anderson apparently spent time with administrators from all the major US sports and sought their input on free agency and what works with their particular models. Accordingly, what the AFL has come up with is a fairly conservative, restricted, mash-up.

Without going into too much detail, the basics are thus: Taking effect in 2012, uncontracted players become eligible for free agency after eight years service at one club. However, if a player is amongst his club’s top 10 in terms of existing salary, the club gets a chance to match any outside offer. Players with 10 years service are unrestricted.

So, for example, if the rules were currently in place, Gary Ablett Junior, drafted in 2001, would have become a restricted free agent in 2009. Meaning, had he been out of contract, other teams could offer him a contract that, considering he would be one of Geelong’s highest paid, The Cats would have been given the chance to match. Also, and importantly, the AFL has said they will compensate the club of any lost restricted free agent with draft picks. Where these picks fall is yet to be determined. So, continuing our Ablett example, if he signed with Essendon in 2009, The Cats would firstly be able to match their offer, and if they chose not to, or couldn’t due to cap constraints, Geelong would be given an extra draft choice. If the same contract was offered to Ablett in 2011, after 10 years of service to the one club, The Cats would have no right to match and Gary would be free to walk without any compensation for Geelong. We clear? Good. Lucky I prefaced that with “without going into too much detail”. Right now I have the feeling you’re staring at your screens like I just made you sit through ‘Mullholland Drive’ again.

At first glance this looks to be tailored towards players at the end of their careers who want one more chance at a premiership. Not only the guys like Barry Hall, who had to fight to be traded where he wanted to go, but someone like Nathan Brown who retired last year essentially because Richmond couldn’t work out a trade for him. Imagine if Geelong were able to throw the minimum salary at him and say, “stop making those awful t-shirts, play out of the goal square and if you kick 40 goals this year we’ll have another flag”. I mean, everyone’s excited about Podsiadly (who will now be referred to as P.O.D.) but you’re telling me Nathan Brown wouldn’t do a better job as Geelong’s third forward? The same could probably be said about Matthew Lloyd, or Scott Lucas, or, dare I say it, Richo. It’s a neat way of giving veterans a chance to control the later stage of their career and give contending teams a chance to roll the dice. Plus, it would save me from being briefly hypnotised every time Channel 7 cut to a crouching, slack-jawed, sideline-reporting Matthew Richardson and his adventures in Fitzroy hair-dressing. What this also does, however, is make salary cap management the most important aspect of running an AFL club: If you think Freo’s constant recruiting of Essendon’s over-35s is atrocious, just wait til they get the chance to open up the cheque book. They’ll go broke quicker than the Leyland Brothers. (And yes, I realise that’s a 20-year old pop culture reference. Just kill me now.)

I’m a huge NBA fan and there’s quite an odd thing happening over there at the moment. With an excellent free agent class looming (by the way, get used to the phrase “free agent class”) teams have, for two years now in some cases, been juggling their player lists and salary cap in such a way as to have the most amount of money available come the end of this season to throw at these free agents. Some teams, most notably the New York Knicks, have essentially dogged two seasons on a probably 50/50 shot at landing one excellent player. Now, football and basketball are very different sports; most notably, one player can make all the difference on the basketball court, considering that only five guys get to play at once, but are there some lessons to be learned? The Knicks have taken an 18-month dump on their fans for the promise of this off-season but what happens if they don’t manage to land one of the big fish?

Bringing it back to the AFL, we have another added wrinkle to consider; two new teams set to join the league, both of which are not only being given an absurdly generous amount of draft concessions but are also being financially subsidised by the league itself; you know, the very same league whose job it is to ensure a fair and even playing field for all teams. Now, I understand the AFL sees expansion as the key to a thriving, healthy, truly national sport, and I understand that they’re also is keen to protect their investment, but how involved will they be? What if a senile Kevin Sheedy decides to offer a 30-year old Mathew Stokes $1.5 million and part ownership in a Blacktown meth-lab? Would the AFL step in to “protect its investment”? (There it is; my first official Mathew Stokes joke!)

Considering the draft age of most AFL players is 17 or 18, after eight years service the restricted free agents will be 25 or 26 year-old players in their absolute prime. As I mentioned in the earlier Ablett scenario, Junior’s eight years were up in 2009, the same season he won the Brownlow medal. Matthew Scarlett would have been eligible in 2005, the first year of his five consecutive All-Australian selections. So if you’re an up-coming club with a developing young list but a couple of major holes, what’s stopping you driving a dump-truck full of money to a 25-year old Joel Selwood’s front door? Especially if it’s someone who is as salary cap stretched as the Cats? According to Frank Costa, only the illusion of a legitimate business interest. And this, really, is the biggest problem free agency poses to the AFL.

As mentioned in the opening, Frank openly admitted that Gary Junior is paid to do promotional and marketing work for Costa’s coastal property development business and that this has been cleared by the AFL. And as we all now, Chris Judd holds some mystery position with VISY, the late, former Carlton president Dick Pratt’s company. Is Luke Ball earning an extra 100K as Eddie McGuire’s gardener? How about Footy Show appearances? I’m all for players finding other revenue streams given that most careers are fairly short, but isn’t this a clear conflict of interest? It’s not the extra work as such; it’s that it potentially lowers the player’s salary cap number. Any property development group in the greater Geelong region love to have Ablett in for a few client meet & greets but only one is paying over the odds with his right hand and under with his left.

The AFL is so profitable now that TV rights are larger than New Zealand’s GDP and all players, plus innumerable support staff, are afforded the wages to be full-time footballers. As recently as the early 1990s AFL clubs weren’t producing enough revenue to pay all players to be full-time, so, accordingly, players still carried second jobs. Gary Ablett Senior was a courier. Gavin Excel went door-to-door selling memberships. And one day Gary Hocking collected my rubbish bins, parked at the top of our court, and then proceeding to spend the next 25 minutes spiralling empty Fanta bottles into the back of the truck from 30 yards. I’m pretty sure he was getting paid by the hour. But I digress.

My point is that player payments outside of the football club are nothing new. It has been happening for decades, as either a cushy job organised by the club, or a brown paper bag of unmarked, non-sequential bills left on the bar at The Valley Inn. And mostly it has been a way for semi-professional clubs to reward long-term stars, because, let’s face it, there’s no other way they could afford to buy cocaine for their friends. But couple it with free agency, league expansion, draft concessions and the AFL propping up clubs financially and now it becomes a critical, albeit shady, component of on field success.

Eat your heart out, Caro.

2010-02-05T18:01:00.003+11:00

Keeping Your Nose Clean (How Not to)

This summer I’ve attempted more blogs than Andrew Lovett has sex crimes (allegedly), and every time I have either gotten stuck, or realised that, “Hey, that’s just not that interesting or funny or insightful or even legible.” (I was going through some old notebooks recently and found three full pages of drunken ramblings that look like someone was trying to get the ink flowing again in a pen.) Not even Shane “Shame” Watson morphing into Jacque Kallis was enough to rouse me from my slumber. But on a scale of 1-to-10, of “things I should probably write a blog about”, Matthew Stokes trafficking cocaine comes in at about a 48. (By the way, apologies for the title that sounds like a Radiohead song.)

Here’s a rundown of my rambling thought process immediately after Mrs Watson emailed me the news on Wednesday:

The police don’t usually charge someone unless they know they can get a conviction… I wonder if any other players are involved… How much coke was he actually doing? Are we talking a NYE bump or two, or Lindsay Lohan circa 2008...? Frank Costa will sack Stokes… Sack is a funny word… I wonder how the club will handle this… Will Demetriou get involved…? Will Stokes play the addiction card? Will someone else play the race card…? The girl who played Velma in the Scooby-Doo movie had a nice rack… How much salary cap space will it save us if he’s in prison…? The Geelong Advertiser is going to cover this like it’s the Cuban missile crisis… The Mentalist is getting more ridiculous every week… How should Geelong supporters feel about this? How do I feel about this? Shit, what do I write about this?!

(By the way, where does “having a Cuban drug-dealer moustache on the day you’re arrested on drug charges” rank in terms of inappropriate coincidences; below or above wearing a Gary Glitter t-shirt to a grade 6 calisthenics show? Seriously, he looks like he’s auditioning for ‘Underbelly 4: Lamby’s Revenge’.)

As usual, I needed the steady hand of Mrs Watson to guide me through the sea of questions, self-doubt and C-grade movies. Here’s his take:

“The fact that this useless prick keeps getting referred to as a "Premiership Forward" is the most annoying thing about this story. Sack him, let's move on.”

And that’s probably all there needs to be to it. (Ah Mrs Watson, if only the rest of the world possessed your cold pragmatism.)

However, in this current environment, we all know the modern media are ready to jump on this and fuck it to death like an untrained Labrador. Hell, they’re already halfway up your leg. And when this happens, a relatively small criminal matter becomes a national litmus test for anybody with any kind of public voice.

So before Barnaby Joyce or Tony Abbot or anyone at all with any kind of tenuous link to the Catholic Church starts telling us all about all our problems, allow me to get in first. (Speaking of which, do we know what Dawn Fraser thinks of all this? Really, she hasn’t said anything? Are we sure she’s still alive?)

Taking the initial police reports (and Stokes’ story) at face value, trafficking seems like an overblown charge for such a small amount of cocaine (especially on-sold at cost price. But, whatever). Nonetheless, Stokes, it would appear, is guilty of something. Is he more naive 25-year old than connected drug groupie? Probably. Being somewhat in the media spotlight, should he have known better? Yes. Is the charge a little trumped up because he has a profile? Of course it is.

This is not a sign of a “drug problem” in AFL clubs. It’s not an AFL player thinking he’s above the law. It’s not about rehabilitation, education and/or the eternally vague, “support”. It’s about a guy, who once played forward pocket quite well, who bought some drugs. So let’s treat it and punish for what it is, not what talking heads with obvious agendas may twist and fit it to be.

Lots of people buy drugs and use drugs and get caught by police with drugs and lose their jobs because of drugs. Now Stokes is probably going to lose his.

Let’s not lose our heads (or any sleep) over it.

And besides, look at bright side; how’s the form of Shane Watson!

2009-12-01T22:21:00.005+11:00

Room With a View

Summer changes the way we live. The days are longer, the nights are warmer and other various Meatloaf-type lyrics. And, usually, the change from football to cricket is made. However, with a boring, star-less Australian cricket team (infuriatingly selected, but we’ll save that for later in the summer), lacklustre opponents and a bloated, largely meaningless schedule of matches, AFL activity in the off-season is increasingly being monitored as closely as in June or July. Just what you’re looking for, however, depends on where you’re looking from.

In the week’s leading up to Geelong’s 2007 finals campaign I was telling myself that I’d happily trade away any future success for just one flag: Just seal the deal this year, Cats, and you can mail in the next decade. Win this and you get the Tim Rogers free pass; you can write as many average songs about getting old and drinking with your buddies as you want and I’ll still defend you because you once gave me Hi-Fi Way and Hourly Daily.

And so with that in mind I made my own deal with the Devil, or God, or Tim Rogers for that matter, and then watched as the Cats delivered their Berlin Chair moment; a classic asshat, if ever there was one. I could, as they say, finally die happy.

2008 rolled around and I was staying aloof about The Cats back-to-back tilt. I convinced myself that this was due to me upholding my end of the bargain, but really, it was because any sort of conviction was unnecessary; I could keep my cool because no-one could get near them. And they looked a certainty to do the business again in September.

But, without sounding too trite about it, there are no certainties in anything. And getting so close and blowing it only fuelled the fire. The Cats needed another one. I needed another one. So in 2009, I made the same deal. And here we are.

The off-season is ultimately, a time of optimism. All teams are equal again and, at least until a ball is bounced, nothing can be made but progress. From here until March the now dwarfed sports section will contain innumerable stories of Player X training the house down, Player Y looking ahead to a fresh start and Player Z who has added 5-10kg of muscle. These are stories of hope.

But with the Cats’ legacy now rightfully secured as one of the greatest teams of all-time (that’s not hyperbole, that’s historically accurate) one is afforded a sense of perspective, a certain magnanimity, a view from the summit, if you will.

Instead of worrying about how to fix the malfunctioning forward line we can instead look to the future of Hatchet Hawkins with confidence. Instead of fretting about the unfortunate waste of Matthew Egan’s career the focus shifts to appreciating Handsome Harry Taylor, the best CHB in the league (seriously, name me one better). Rather than express concern for our slow and ageing backline we can farewell our Skipper in style and look forward to see who steps up to fill his spot. And instead of praying that my team trades for Barry Hall, or finds a washed up ruckman to recycle, or picks up Luke Ball and his Styrofoam groins, or wonder who the skinny kid from South Australian school footy is that we just drafted, I can relax, confident in the knowledge that it will work itself out; that it has already worked itself out.

I am now at peace with my deal with the Devil/Tim Rogers. And as such, so it is that I can look to the future, not with rabid desperation, or blind hope, but with a satisfied mind and a mild curiosity at best.

The view’s a bit different from the top, isn’t it?

Off-Season Summary

Out:
Tom Harley (retired)
Tom will probably go down as Geelong’s greatest ever captain, despite his influence always seemingly being more intangible than purely his on-field work. As an outsider it’s difficult to judge these effects but the results are largely impressive: The Cats went from a lazy, underachieving collection of individuals to the ultimate selfless team. His play had dropped off the past couple of years (injury also took its toll) but at his best no-one played the ‘third-man-up’ role any better, in fact, he probably deserves some credit for inventing it.

David Johnson (retired)
I always liked David Johnson. Sure, he’d do the occasional bone-headed thing like unnecessarily fly into a pack and spoil his team-mates leaving his opponent to wander in to an open goal, but he was a scrapper. Plus, he used to come in to the team once a year and beat Jason Akermanis.

Shane Mumford (traded, in exchange for pick 28)
Let’s be honest about Shane Mumford for a minute: Dean frickin’ Cox he aint. And while his effort in the contest was admirable, the rest of his work was probably below par. It’s never a good sign when the best thing you can say about a player is “He’s really trying!” Getting a 2nd round draft pick for him was a great result. Sydney paid way over the odds, I mean, anytime you can get and an 18-game player only one year removed from weighing more than Kirstey Alley for a million dollars, well, you gotta do it.

Kane Tenace (de-listed)
Ah, Tenace; so much promise, so many nicknames and yet so precious few good games of senior football. The coaches obviously saw something in him as he was given chance after chance. A possible rookie candidate for another club.

Matthew Egan (de-listed; long-term injury)
Without going too far down this sorry path again, it’s good to hear that after 18 surgeries Matthew can use the clutch again.

Scott Simpson (de-listed)
Injury-plagued key position prospect who ran out of time. Has nominated for pre-season/rookie drafts.

Dan McKenna (de-listed)
See above.

Adam Donohue (de-listed)
Father/Son recruit who didn’t work out. See also: Woolnough, Mark.

Bryn Weadon (rookie list, not elevated)
I think he’s still straining with Geelong in the hope of being re-drafted.

Brodie Moles (rookie list, not elevated)
See above.

In:
Marcus Drum (Traded for in exchange for pick 49)
A fairly cheap gamble for a good-sized utility still under the age of 23 with some AFL experience. The scouting report on him early was that he has excellent skills and a good footy brain but not necessarily the size/strength/speed combo to be an elite player, which pretty much sounds like the rest of our backline. Mrs Watson mentioned to me that he reckons the Geelong backline system makes it easier for guys like this to succeed.

Daniel Menzel (Pick No. 17: Central Districts, 18, 185cm, 77kg)
After watching a few videos I’m convinced this is Andrew Mackie (all the footage I saw was of him playing in defence). He was often drifting back by himself (having read the play and run hard off his man) to take a mark or help turn a contest. Made good decisions and seems to have excellent disposal. He often switched play to a more attacking part of the ground, even though this was sometimes a high risk/reward type move, but he trusted his leg and regularly cleared the congestion/trouble to find an open man 55m away. Sound familiar?

Mitchell Duncan (Pick No. 28: East Perth, 18, 187cm, 82kg)
I also watched some video of this bloke and didn’t come away as impressed, to be honest. The term utility is often used to describe him, although he seemed to do his best work around half-forward. He seems to do everything pretty well but nothing that really stands out; decent height but not tall, quick enough but not fast, good skills but not elite, etc. Andrew Embley has been used as a point of comparison but I’d go with something like Steve Johnson without the tricks or Mitch Morton with a heart-beat. He is highly rated, however, and also held his own in seniors this year.

(Now let’s see if I can get this right: Geelong got involved in the Josh Gibson deal, meaning they essentially traded pick 33 for picks 40, 42, and 56. This probably made them feel better about giving up pick 49 for Drum, considering their last pick [65] was always going to be used to promote a rookie.)

Allen Christensen (Pick No. 40: Geelong Falcons, 18, 176cm, 75kg)
Christensen, rated by most prior to the draft as a top 20 pick, is apparently a smart, inside midfielder who is clever around stoppages and up forward. I watched some highlights and he reminds me of Matthew Stokes, you know, back when he was awesome.

Nathan Vardy (Pick No. 42: Gippsland Power, 18, 198cm, 89kg)
Vardy was another tipped to go top 20 and was the top-rated ruckman. He was injured at the draft camp and so was never tested but he seems to have pretty good vertical and knows how to help his crumbers out; taps to advantage in ruck contests seem to be his main asset. He also seems pretty agile and coordinated for a big bastard, so kinda like the anti-Blake. Good value here, you’d reckon.

Josh Cowan (Pick No. 56: North Ballarat, 18, 183cm, 71kg)
Simon Hogan 2.0

Jeremy Laidler (Pick No. 65: Promoted rookie)
A rookie-listed half-back-flank-type (that’s way too many hyphens) promoted to the senior list, and rightfully so. He looks the goods running out of defence, providing carry and support as well as the typical negating work that is required. He appears to me as a Milburn-Mackie-Harley hybrid, and will find his spot soon enough.

(Anyone with any info/opinions on the draftees, please share in the comments)

2009-09-28T06:04:00.003+10:00

A Report From The Front - By The Captain

By 6am Paris time I had hit the street. I glanced around nervously, the city looking different in the pre-dawn glow, more menacing. The Metro, like me, was barely awake yet functioning, and I was happy for it’s underground warmth. The blessed Cats beanie was with me, with us. Today was going to be good day, I couldn’t bear otherwise.

I was en route to Cafe Oz, a cringe-inducing Australian themed bar unfairly positioned close to the Seine, to meet former Geelong man, new Paris resident and all-round nice guy, Eddie C. Due to me sleeping in, and getting slightly lost on exiting the Metro station, I missed the first bounce. My problems, however, were just beginning.

On finding the place I realised my lateness would cost double; between me and the door were about 15 Aussies queued up outside the place and a bouncer roughly the size of a 1978 Fiat. The place was packed and the security weren’t letting any more in. I nosed to the front of the queue, hoping Eddie C would spot me and wave me in. But the ‘78 Fiat was running a tight ship; some drinkers had been at it since the night before and he was sensing trouble waiting to burst at the first sign of some implied unfairness. I waited and manage to locate myself within view of the projected action; Geelong were leading 18 to 7 and the drunks inside were roaring.

After a time, a few began to leave. Whether they were non-AFL followers or French locals who could sense the energy was growing, I had no idea. The French are a peculiar people when it comes to sport. They play games like badminton and a native version of bocce. Despite having no idea what was happening on the screen, they had the good sense to leave.

As the Fiat relented, I edged my way forward, squeezing between the bodies of a hundred misplaced Australians. There were shouts of "Ball!" and "Bullshit umpire, you yellow maggot!" and I settled in quick. I found Ed, who had secured a good spot with a nice view of the projectors behind the bar. In front of him was a St Kilda fan, who looked like he’d spent some time in country, behind us, an obnoxious West Coast Eagles fan and next to us a rambling drunk. I was just glad he was supporting Geelong; he had that look about him, like he’d had a week’s worth of booze and was on the edge, and a simple disagreement about football allegiance could end in blood.

The game maintained an unparalleled intensity throughout it’s entirety, and I stood rock still, with a tightness on my chest, for 120 minutes. No drink, little talk, just a small reservoir of Geelong hope buried somewhere deep in my almost malfunctioning heart.

Halfway into the second quarter and The Saints were beginning to take the upper hand. The contest looked willing at every turn, pairs of bodies flying to the ball from all angles. An inch here or there proved pivotal and one team would sneak away to create another skirmish further down field.

Ed, somehow finding the equanimity to exchange pleasantries with the St Kilda fellow, remained quietly confident, and as it turned out, prophetic. As St Kilda dominated possession but kept missing goals, he repeated, almost to himself, “it’s not their day, it’s not their day…” and was happy to go into half-time only a goal down. Mrs Watson, on the other hand, was no doubt feeling the pinch, texting me some very harsh, but not undeserved, words regarding Darren Milburn.

The third quarter began with me praying for something, anything out of Steve Johnson, while the Saints fan in front us said something about him not being anywhere near the player that the “inspirational” Riewoldt was. As I focused on the game, and my breathing, ever so slightly both Ed and I sensed the momentum shift: The Cats seemed to have finally met a worthy foe and were now enjoying the fight.

Hawkins marked and goaled early in the fourth (a sight for Mrs Watson’s sore eyes no doubt) after Chapman had spotted him free in the forward 50 and hit him lace-out; “great composure by Chappy,” said Ed.

The next 5 minutes was a classic arm wrestle. Each contest began to get harder and take on more meaning. The crows sensed it too, not just at the MCG but at the Café Oz, roaring louder and louder as each time the ball emerged in either team’s hands as the game shifted into ‘instant classic’ territory.

True to his day’s form, about eight minutes into the final quarter Ed leaned over; “next goal wins”. I looked at the clock, looked at the scoreboard and then looked at the players; they knew this was true. That that next goal didn’t come for a further 15 minutes only loomed larger the dual sense of doom/glory that was attached to that Sherrin.

Tipping point: Five minutes to play and Geelong repels another St Kilda attack and kicks the ball to a seemingly wide-open Gary Ablett in the very centre of the MCG. Sensing the space, but before he has received the ball, Ablett begins to lean ever so slightly towards the Geelong goal, readying his body to change his momentum in order to storm forward and drive his Brownlow medal down the throats of the St Kilda defence. This split-second adjustment, however, allows his opponent, sprinting from behind Ablett towards the St Kilda goal, enough time to knock the ball loose, preventing the mark.

It’s all there in front us now. A tied game. A loose ball. The very centre of the MCG. And, now, two sets of opposing players. As Ablett and his opponent were positioning themselves, Matthew Scarlett and his marker for the day, Justin Koschitske, are racing to the centre, each trying to swing the contest their team’s way. Like trains on the same track, they are going full-speed, with no option to swerve and are on a collision course with Ablett and the ball.

As Clinton Jones closes from behind on Gary Junior, Scarlett has found himself in front of Kosi and makes a crucial decision as this all unfolds in the blinking of an eye: Jones’ deflects the ball into the path of the oncoming Scarlett, who carefully, casually and yet very deliberately, pokes it side foot back in the opposite direction, past the now stranded Jones and into the hands of a ready and waiting Gary Ablett.

When minutes later Chapman snapped truly we yelled loudly and quietly knew it was enough.

After the place cleared out Ed and I sat down and had our first drink - a 7 Euro pint of Fosters - the best beer I’ve had all year. We walked, somewhat dazed and found some seats in the Jardin des Tulieries and sat in the sun, drinking Kronenberg cans from a nearby caravan for quite some while.

The day for the French had only just begun, but for us the wait (weight) of a year was over.

2009-09-20T21:36:00.005+10:00

An Open Letter to Le Captain, or, coiffé d'un chapeau ass Collingwood.

Dear Captain,

How goes Paris? Thanks for emailing through your Blogger password. My own blogger account seems to have imploded, so I'm using yours here to post this update. I ran into a few Big League readers before the game on Saturday, who mentioned there'd been a few colourful jabs at Mrs Watson for being a less than active poster. It's strange when I think we started this monster via email to keep ourselves amused at work, and now feel some responsibility to keep it up to speed. Anyhoo...I thought I'd send you a rundown on what happened Saturday night, as I know you weren't successful in locating a suitable French dive bar to view it in. Do understand that by half time I had consumed quite a number of Melbourne Bitters, and was kept quite busy keeping you updated via text as best I could, so if I miss something substantial, I'm sure our readers will be more than happy to fill in the gaps (see comments), but here's a few thoughts the iphone couldn't convey...

Last night Geelong wore Collingwood as a fucking ass hat. Now, while this sort of head attire probably doesn't sound as classic, or tasteful, as say, the beret – of which I'm sure you've seen a many of late – let me assure you, Captain, the ass hat is something that, despite it's grubbily graphic aesthetic, can fill it wearer with tremendous self belief and confidence. Now, the ass hat is not something one just stumbles upon, or shoplifts from IGA; the ass hat is something one earns, usually through making a damn fool one's opposition. So much so, in fact, that one is literally able to separate the legs of said opposition, and insert the top of one's head far enough inside the anus to fashion a hat. Sure, I've probably taken this analogy a little far, but honestly, nothing paints a more accurate picture of what happened during the second half of Saturday night's Preliminary final.

The first quarter was a little disappointing to be honest, and seemed all too familiar. After the first few minutes we had a shit ton of ball, but couldn't really tick it over on the score board and only led by 10 at quarter time. The bright light for me though, was the fact that in these early stages Hatchet was playing like a man possessed by a really good footballer. He was setting up goals, kicking straight from tough angles, and kept the Cats in the game, along with Chappy, while our other guys got their shit together. In fact, not since I last played NBA Jam have I seen such an unlikely man pull off such superhuman feats.

Things got tight in the second and in hindsight it appears as if this was Collingwood's last gasp at making a game of it. As a result, to no surprise, this was our backline's quarter, particularly in the last ten minutes when the Pies threw whatever they had left at us. After a shaky start, Taylor tightened up, and the usuals were good, but I'd like to give a shout out to James Kelly. The return of Kelly from injury has tightened up that end amazingly. His hard work back there helped the Cats keep what little lead they had at half time. It was a brief interlude, sure, but this was when the game was on the line, and that mattered more than many of the goals scored during the last half's free for all.

Admittedly, Collingwood had spent a lot of energy the week before scraping home against the Crows, so by the last half they were looking pretty much done. Having said that though, many of their more important players, scorers, had not put their hand up at any stage of the game. Cloke, Anthony, and Davis shared 30 possessions, which isn't impressive, but even these low numbers surprised me when I saw them...I only remember seeing these three dropping ambitious marks or getting knocked out of contests. Anthony can kick, sure, but seems as soft as Cloke is clunky, and Davis jogs around like he deserves more than he works for. I'd slam a huge question mark on Cloke's future – he's had a shithouse year, in my view – and Malthouse should treat Anthony less like Tony Lockett, and more like a work in progress.

I don't really know what to tell you about what happened after half time. It was dominance, sure, but it was the dominance we needed to show St Kilda. The whole team was dominant. The Saints beat Collingwood in the first round of the finals in probably one of the most lackluster performances of the entire series, and just got over the line against the Bulldogs – they probably should have lost. The fact that the TAB now has Geelong as favourite to win next week, in my opinion, is justified. A regular season record, no matter how outstanding, does not warrant confidence in a team's ability to win a grand final; especially after such an uninspiring few weeks. Put simply, I think the Saints look shaky. I think we'll win.

Spread 'em wide St Kilda. I hear it's gonna be a hot summer, and we'll no doubt need a hat.

Over and out.

Mrs Watson.

2009-09-01T22:39:00.004+10:00

Stay Positive (Sometimes Actresses Get Slapped)

Captain: So, Mrs Watson, the finals are upon us, the Cats have got some players back and last week I spelled out a method to stop the Bulldogs… Wait, do you even read this blog any more?

Mrs Watson: Only to shut you up.

Captain: At least all the Big League fans, spread across the globe, are still interested. And if you don’t perform in my absence, those three people will be very disappointed. You got any ideas up your sleeve?

Mrs Watson: I think my caretaker coach role will resemble that of Darren Crocker’s: mostly invisible, but nevertheless, not a complete failure.

Captain: I like it! Now, on to the games, shall we?

Adelaide v Essendon
Captain: Regarding last week’s melee action, what a petulant and massively hypocritical reaction from Hawthorn. They are, without doubt, the biggest team of snipers in the league, possibly in league history. I can’t even think who would be close to them. Weak as piss. Essendon will get smashed but at least they showed Hawthorn up last week.

Mrs Watson: I completely agree, although for me the embarrassingly wimpish behaviour post game only made the Hawthorn loss more satisfying. Anyway, this game is going to be an absolutely undressing, and like Rabbit Hutch mentioned on Monday night, it’s likely Adelaide will end up knocking one of the top four teams out in straight sets. Naked tennis, in other words. Which is a shame, because that sounds like something Matthew Lloyd would be interested in. What a joke – the first time someone has been handed four weeks for probably trying to get out of the way. He normally gets free kicks for that kind of shit.

Captain: And don’t forget, it was originally a 6-week suspension, which is a completely hysterical, not to mention baffling, reaction given that Buddy only copped one week and Chance “cheap-shot” Bateman only got one for a roundhouse shot on Lloyd that wouldn’t be out of place at QBH on a Saturday night. Who’s running the match review panel, David and Margaret from ‘At the Movies’?

Mrs Watson: Melbourne Demons; no stars.

Brisbane v Carlton
Captain: This game is interesting for a couple of reasons; one, if Geelong happens to lose they will play the winner of this game, and two… Alright, it’s interesting for one reason only.

Mrs. Watson: You’re right, this game is only interesting “if” we lose. So really, it’s of no real interest at all. However, I bet all Carlton fans are super dooper excited about watching their side of young champions finally play some finals football. How cute. * Vomit.* I do so hope J Brown punches someone in the throat.

Captain: Can I go one further and hope that Brett Thornton is on the end of said throat punch?

St Kilda (Greatest Draw of ‘09) v Collingwood (Very Good Draw)
Captain: Here’s where it gets interesting. The two teams everyone wanted to back for the flag two weeks ago now face each other and then a red-hot Adelaide. Glorious! The Saints, or, as one of our more creative readers called them, the ‘indoor flood monkeys’, got their first look at the MCG last week and struggled against Melbourne. Granted, the Saints kicked away, but the Demons moved the ball quite easily and found plenty of space against them in the first half. Funnily enough, the Pies are MCG specialists.

Mrs Watson: And people think the Cats look unconvincing! Losses to Essendon, North Melbourne and then a worrying performance against the freakin’ Demons, sheesh, at least our losses came at the hands of decent teams. What would really make my year would be a Collingwood victory here, and then an Adelaide victory the week after. Wouldn’t that be the most hilarious fucking thing that has EVER happened? Yes. Like all the games this weekend though, I think this match will be tight. Collingwood looked a bit average last week, and my thinking is that a similar performance will not result in a victory against the Saints, no matter how out of form St Kilda “appears” to be. I really don’t think Collingwood are much to worry about actually. But I’ve been wrong before. Many, many times.

Captain: Hypothetically, is it possible for Alan Didak’s head to be crushed while simultaneously disintegrating Nick Riewoldt’s ACL on impact? Is that a medical possibility, no matter how unlikely? If so, that’s the outcome we should be barracking for.

Mrs Watson: Awesome. I’d love to know what the TAB is offering on such a scenario. I’m phoning them this afternoon to get some odds on whether or not we’ll ever again see a freakin’ live game of AFL on free to air TV in Melbourne, so I’ll check the odds on the Riewoldt/Didak smash up while I’m at it.

Geelong v Western Bulldogs
Captain: What did Channel 10 pay for the AFL TV rights, $900 million? And they still can’t show this game live because the AFL wants to potentially squeeze in another 2000-3000 MCG punters? Give me a fucking break. Channel 10 should just buy the remaining tickets, make them into a papier-mâché of Doug Hawkins and stick them up Andrew Demetriou’s ass.

Mrs Watson: Is it bold of me to feel confident about the Cats’ chances this September? I mean, I’m rarely positive about anything, so it really hurts me to say this, but I really think we can win this WHOLE GODDAMN THING!! And that’s with Matthew Stokes in the team. Get positive, Captain!

Captain: Usually your optimism does not bode well, so I’m going to say I’m quietly confident. Is it too much to ask of you, however, that if we are forced to watch a delay of this match, to stay away from your iphone for 2 hours?

Mrs Watson: C’mon man, I checked the score once. Once! Let’s not make out like I’m a repeat game spoiler or anything. Besides, if Cam Mooney’s haircut tells us anything, is that we should point our mobile devices down, there’s nothing to worry about.

Captain: That’s kind of a good sign, for September, isn’t it? Man, my heart is starting to race, my palms are getting clammy, my body is twitching… and that’s just thinking about the raping I’m about to receive courtesy of the Euro! GO CATS!

2009-08-27T20:09:00.003+10:00

Round 22: Box and One, or, Save Us, Brad Ottens

First of all, thanks for all the well wishes (and language advice) for my upcoming trip. I have found a bar that, while being at cringe inducing “Aussie” levels, should be showing the Grand Final. Hopefully there’ll be a reason for me to watch it.

As for the status of Big League, my last blog will probably be after the first final, but from there on out, Mrs Watson will be taking over as caretaker coach! Great news! Let’s get behind Mrs W and hope his scathing, completely baseless and slanderous opinions of Brett Burton and Dale Thomas are enough to get us over the line.

As for the Cats, well, despite a reasonably good 3rd quarter fight back it was, unfortunately, more of the same; they looked slow, tired, sloppy and the defence looked about as solid as Shane Watson’s batting technique. (Even though his opening the batting did surpass my meagre expectations, surely Phil Hughes was worth persevering with. But I digress; no cricket talk until September is behind us, I promise.)

As Mrs Watson and I watched the game from my pad (and sampled a selection of his growing beer collection) it became glaring clear that there was one major issue with Geelong’s game-plan or structure or zone or set-up or whatever; the Cats gave up waaaaaaaaay too many easy goals on the turn over.

Granted, due to the way The Cats style of play (or are the style they are to remember how to play), they will occasionally cough up an easy one going the other way. This happened even at the height of their powers in ’07 and ’08. However, against the Dogs it was out of control. It seemed like every Bulldogs goal was the same; Geelong turnover at half-forward, run and carry, long kick over stranded ‘zoning’ defenders, easy shot on goal. Rinse and repeat.

And it must be terribly deflating for the team. Working so far through the middle and then one little mistake (or a large one, thank you Mark Blake) and you’re watching the ball sail back over your head like you’re Nathan Hauritz. It was classic Pagan’s paddock stuff, and it was allowed to work because Geelong’s defenders were getting sucked up the ground.

This happens for two reasons; the first, which I don’t believe was the case, is that defenders, in one-on-one mode, simply follow their opponents out of the forward line as teams try to clear out some space. The second reason is defenders pressing up to the centre, attempting a full, 18-man Hawthorn style zone.

The “cluster” works thusly: When the ball is deep in the forward line all the defenders push up the ground and set up a zone, each guarding space, not a specific man, in one half of the ground only: 18 men in 75-odd metres of oval. The mass numbers that are available to any particular contest means intense defensive pressure can be applied, resulting in, best case scenario, a turnover, and if not, restricting quick ball movement and allowing defenders time to push back if necessary. Following me so far?

It’s a gamble. The downside is (and Geelong exposed this somewhat in ‘08) that if you move quickly and decisively enough through the zone it can be easy to score against. The upside is that you should force enough turnovers in dangerous positions and apply enough scoreboard pressure that you can withstand the odd cheapie.

Here lies Geelong’s problem (at least against the Bulldogs): They’re getting all the downside of the 18-man rolling zone and none of the upside.

At the moment our backs are finding themselves very quickly out of position because our forward line does not have the physical capabilities to put enough pressure on rebounding defenders. The answer? Geelong’s defence needs to return to a more traditional positional structure.

Geelong’s defenders need to hold their ground a little more, like they did in 2007. A zone can still be employed further up the ground, but leave at least one man out, if not two or three, guarding the most dangerous part of the ground, 20-45m out, directly in front of goal; roughly the spot Luke Hodge parked his Colac mullet for the entire 2008 Grand Final.

As well as that, here are six more things we need to be successful, not only this week, but for the finals series:

1) Geelong needs to find another small defender to fill Josh Hunt’s spot. James Kelly was doing beautifully, and is back this week, but has missed seven weeks (a seven week hammy!!) of football. DJ was given a shot and has now, correctly, been given the ass. Can Wojack find some form in his 150th? Will Simon Hogan be given a chance down there? Either way, someone needs to step up to allow the following three things to happen.

2) Joel Corey needs to spend more time in at centre bounces. He’s our clearance specialist and, while he’s done admirably, I don’t really trust him at full-back, do you?

3) Andrew Mackie needs to push forward as much as possible, even if it means playing him on the wing. As we’ve seen in the past few weeks, Muscles gives the best delivery to our forwards on this team bar maybe a fit Steve Johnson. He has good vision, makes good choices and no-one else is capable of that low, hard accurate kick over 50+ metres.

4) Darren Milburn should spend some time forward. He reads the play extremely well, has great hands, is an accurate kick and would provide a contest and a bit more malice up there. Probably more of a pinch hitter still, but, if match-ups allow, I’d be interested to see how he went if he was given a full game there. He certainly couldn’t be any worse than Ryan Gamble.

5) Matthew Stokes to play that true small forward role. The defensive assignments Bomber has been giving him may have been punishment more than anything. Chapman will come back in for someone, so Stokes needs to get back to basics; crumb for the big guys, chase and tackle, sneak into dangerous spots when appropriate and make us all remember a time when Shannon Byrnes was the most despised 5’6” forward pocket on the team.

6) Brad Ottens (and everybody else for that matter) to get through an entire AFL match unscathed just in time to save us. Do it, sex-fingers. Give us a Clark Keating-type September and we’ll gladly sacrifice another 50 teenage Geelong groupies to you.

Over to you, Lips.

Captain: WC, Geel, Ess, Adel, Bris, PA, StK, WB.
Season Tally: 120-48

Mrs Watson: Will be here soon enough.

2009-08-20T22:03:00.003+10:00

Round 21: A (de)parting shot

Alright Big Leaguers, it’s time for full disclosure: I, the Captain, have bravely volunteered to make the ultimate sacrifice for the Geelong Football Club and for you, the faithful, for the good of the 2009 finals series. I’m putting myself in the breach, taking one for the team and putting my hand up as the ultimate team player to all but guarantee a successful September for the Cats.

That’s right, I’m leaving the country.

Following the lead of Mrs Watson, (who navigated a successful 2007 campaign from the many dive bars and steakhouses of Northern America) I will be knee deep in croissant and fine (cheap) champagne by the time Grand Final 2009 rolls around. Prelim too, for that matter.

So as I learn how to ask, “Is this beer full-strength?” in French, it seems everyone is lining up to ask questions of the Cats: Are they too nicked up? Can they mix it with Collingwood and St Kilda? Can the forward line function in the finals? Is Brad Ottens merely a figment of the Bellarine Peninsula’s imagination?

These questions are not new. Indeed, we’ve been asking, and attempting to answer, them for the best part of two months. So let me indulge you just a little longer.

Cast your mind back to that Round 16 St Kilda epic against St Kilda. Both teams were pretty much at full-strength (Steve Johnson aside) and the game was played at a rabid, finals-level intensity for the entire 100+ minutes. It’s almost the only game that counts, so far.

Both teams got a good look at one another, to “measure up”, if you will. Both sides would have come away encouraged.

The Saints have barely made a change from that day’s line-up and have (almost) bested all challengers since. The Cats form since that game, however, has been pretty patchy, leading me to two possibilities.

1) Seeing that they were good enough to be close enough, The Cats, learning from last year (as we’ve covered), have since been in a complete management phase, aimed purely at September. (I remind you that Hawthorn lost to Richmond in the last month of last season.) It explains the positional changes, the player trials and the resting. It might also explain how, more than a few times now, Geelong have been able to almost “turn it on” in the 4th quarter when required. Ideally this scenario ends with Ottens, Johnson, Kelly, Harley etc all coming back in round 22 and an unchanged side sweeping through September with the intensity turned back up to 11. Or…

2) The Cats, as we’ve known them, are done.

In a sport where we are constantly reminded that ‘a week’s a long time’ three years is an eternity.

But as a man counting the days until his departure, let me tell you that it all still unfolds one moment at a time.

Don’t worry, I’m (we’re) not gone yet.

Captain: Geel, Carl, Adel, Bris, Haw, StK, Col, Ess.
Season Tally: 115-45

Mrs Watson: Unavailable (I forgot to txt him)
Season Tally: 104-56

2009-08-12T19:34:00.005+10:00

Round 20: Realism

"What's going to happen here? Are our boys going to find something and win two premierships and win the respect we've deserved and searched for? Or are we just going to fade out?" – Mark Thompson, August 9 2009.

There it is; the $64 million question, voiced as succinctly and as meaningfully as possible, by the one bloke who’s in a position to answer it. And while his answer seemingly puts all the responsibility squarely back on the players, it all depends on how you take it: To paraphrase Sidney Dean, “you can listen to Lips but you can’t hear him.”

Thompson was speaking at the GFC 150 year anniversary celebrations, which, depending on your perspective, makes it either a flippant, preaching-to-the-choir type crowd pleaser or a most public of call-outs by a coach to his players. Robert Walls, for example, took it as uncertainty; as a sign of weakness. Stephen Quartermain, on the other hand, saw it as an uplifting call to arms spoken from the heart. Andrew Bews compared Thompson to Sir Winston Churchill. All valid opinions when considered from each biased perspective.

As for my bias, the cynic in me suggests that on such an occasion it seems likely, almost expected, that the coach would speak in glowing hyperbole only, wanting to keep the spirit high amongst a crowd primed and ready to receive the good word.

The pessimistic side of my psyche thought it’s possible that Lips, maybe after a couple of chardonnays, let some honest doubts slip. It is worth noting that the language he used (“… find something”) suggests that the remedy to the current form slump will take a pretty big effort. Also, the choice of the term “fade-out” is interesting, as it implies a continuing, inevitable decline and not merely a dip in form or the result of a few injuries.

But I'm also part romantic, and that part was transfixed as Bomber spoke, heart-rate rising, neck hairs standing to attention and my non-existent hay-fever suddenly on the verge of playing up (if you know what I mean). I imagined the players in that room, surrounded by 150 years of small town pride, regret, expectation and most of all hope. I reckoned they could build the banner out of bricks this week.

In the following days, Lips admitted that his speech was premeditated. Does that make it any less believable or any more valid? Was it a heartfelt, last-chance plea or a choreographed piece of theatre?

Geelong could not have gone through their 2008 experience without learning something about premiership football. Was the lesson better injury management; about not carrying sore bodies into finals, about getting players right for September, even if it costs games in July and August? Or was it that sometimes you do need a plan B and that it pays to keep something up your sleeve?

I reckon there's a few things about to become clear down at Geelong, starting with the players responding in the only form they can.

But then again, I’m an optimist.

Captain: Adel, Coll, Kan, WB, Geel, Fre, PA, StK.
Season Tally: 110-42 (Miles in front Sheahan)

Mrs Watson: Haw, Coll, WC, WB, Syd, Mel, PA, StK.
Season Tally: 100-52 (Also miles in front of Sheahan)

2009-08-06T21:14:00.003+10:00

Round 19: Time Enough

There was interesting article in The Age a couple of weeks ago about Geelong (when I say ‘interesting article’, I actually mean it raised one interesting point, but anyway) and how they are handling their preparations for finals this year. There was a quote from Ken Hinkley that went something like; “We had the best season (in 2008) but Hawthorn had the best September.” As well as providing the perfect summary of what happened last season, Hinkley went on to say that this year they’re preparing a little differently, viewing the finals as a separate season and hoping to hit their peak come September, and this little insight gives me confidence that the Cats know what they’re doing.

Even with the saturated AFL media coverage we experience thee days, two of the main factors that influence on-field performance is something that we still don’t know much about; one, the physical condition of the players, and two, the coaches instructions.

Over the past month we’ve seen players rested, players with minor niggles given extra time to recuperate, a number of second tier players trialled (hello Kane Tenace) as well an usual amount of player positional experimentation. The big question is; is it working? Is Geelong better placed this year than last on the run into September?

Since that can not be answered comprehensively until the premiership has been decided, let’s look at a few of things we do know. Firstly, the Cats record is 16-2, and they’re set for a top 2 finish which is as well placed as possible for a Grand Final birth.

Secondly, there has been progress made in player development; Joel Corey, Jimmy Bartel and James Kelly have spent a lot of time at half-back, Tom Hawkins is finding some confidence in the ruck, the Blake/Mumford question has been (definitively) answered, the defence is getting big-game experience and responsibility without some of it’s leaders and 3 rookies have been tried out.

And thirdly, (thirdly doesn’t sound right, does it?) the player management model of ‘no-risks, save them for September’ is in full-effect. Yes, we seem to have a long injury list at the moment but on closer inspection they are all 1-2 week type of deals. This tells me that a lot of these players are being handled extremely cautiously.

Chapman, Scarlett, Taylor, Kelly et all are getting vital rest and rehab as September approaches. Already we have seen Ablett, Steve Johnson and Tom Harley given breaks during the year, and Brad Ottens is getting ready to pull his best Clark Keating impression. Plus, it has been reported (albeit quietly) that Geelong has just come off an extremely heavy training load period, which may explain some of the low level soft tissue complaints and the lack lustre periods during games. It also means that September should see them in peak physical condition.

All very well, you say, but isn’t it flirting with form? We can’t just throw the players together and expect immediate success can we? Well, yes we can. Continuity is important in team play, yes, but it is established over 4-5 years, not 4-5 weeks. Plus, we may have already seen Geelong prove this during the fourth quarters of the past two weeks.

Against Hawthorn and Adelaide, when the game has been up for grabs, Lips has gone back to his tried and true line-up. Joel Corey, who has filled in at half-back most the year, went back to the middle. Ablett, who had been playing as a forward, was back in the middle. Jimmy Bartel, being played a kick behind the ball, was allowed to push forward. And Joel Selwod was, well, Joel Selwood.

The end of the season is rapidly approaching. The Cats have 2-3 weeks to get their shit (and their best 22) together. Plenty of time.

Captain: Gee, WB, StK, Bris, Adel, NM, Syd, PA.
Season Tally: 106-38

Mrs Watson: Gee, WB, Haw, Bris, Coll, Mel, Rich, PA.
Season Tally: 98-46 (approx. There’s that mystery week missing)

2009-07-30T15:49:00.002+10:00

Belief (or something similar)

It’s going to be brief this week, folks, cos W’s busy and I’m sick. (I actually had a much longer blog already written but lost it. I’ll try and remember some key points. And yes, I stole the title from Tee’s comment.) Here we are then, the shorthand version:

Beating Hawthorn
Was extremely satisfying and gave us all, players included I reckon, the all-important belief that this season's premiership is still very much do-able. Several players really stood up in the 4th quater, namely Mackie, Corey, Bartel and, of course, Joel Selwood. How good could he become? Better than Bartel, a brownlow medalist? Better than Yablett? Is that even possible? Anyway, he was good enough to move Mrs W to yell, “You’re awesome, Selwood!” every time he appeared on the screen. Good times. Good to hear that Lips fired up at the players too; “Best one of the year... Best one for a while… Not the best ever, though” Geez, I love that man.

Collingwood
Speaking of man-love, how uncomfortable does this coaching clusterfuck look like it’s going to be? Bucks showed no courage, Malthouse no self-respect and Eddie no class. I hope this shit blows up in his fat face.

Ottens Returns
And inadvertently buries Mark Blake’s career. If Ottens is fit, it’s he and Mumford. Otherwise I think they’ll stick with the one ruck thing with Hawkins and Mooney having the occasional run in the middle. Either way, no room for Blake. Time for a new Badge, Mrs Watson.

First Final Match-up
Looks like it will probably be the Dogs, but Collingwood, Brisbane and Adelaide all have claims to third spot. It’d be a nice luxury to land Brisbane or Adelaide here because Geelong would crap all over them. The Pies still scare me a bit and it will probably be another close one with the Dogs.

The St Kilda Juggernaut
Continues to roll on, although the Dogs were not that far away from them at certain points. That Scott Welsh brain-fart hurt, however. You really have to run at their zone and handball through it, or in other words, use the Cats’ gameplan of the last three years. They still haven’t played the MCG either... And that’s where they play for all the marbles!

Captain: NM, WB, Geel, StK, Bris, Rich, PA, Ess
Season Tally: 101-35

Mrs Watson: Carl, WB, Geel, Syd, Coll, Rich, PA, WC
Season Tally: Is unimportant at this stage

(Ask us a question on Twitter @BigLeagueLittle)

2009-07-23T17:57:00.003+10:00

Round 17: Hook, Line and Sinker

For the first ¾ of the season I have swallowed the company line that the Cats are just biding their time, waiting til September.

They’ve been there before, and know that flags are not won in July, I tell myself. They’re resting and rotating. Trialling and experimenting. Going half-paced and just doing enough. This is clever, smart strategy, I wrote as recently as last week.

But this weekend Geelong must show its premiership credentials again. Bare the fangs. Land a knock-out blow. Find the eye of the tiger. The stage is perfectly set; Saturday arvo, the MCG and a hated rival, just coming into form.

They have to do it. They just have to. And there are so many reasons; 1) it would be a reminder about Geelong’s credentials, especially to St Kilda; 2) it could potentially end Hawthorn’s finals hopes, which would not only be satisfying but also prudent; 3) it would give the players enormous confidence coming into the pointy end of the season; and 4) it could kick-start a run of “ok, we’re serious now, we remember how this goes, get out of our effing way” games that would flow on to September.

Do we have any reason to believe this will actually happen? I mean, Geelong’s last three weeks have included two losses and a win over a Melbourne team whose best player is thinner than Nathan Deakes and speaks English as his third language (and is also in my Supercoach team). However, like Jon Bon Jovi, I have kept faith.

The biggest game Geelong has played in since the Grand Final was round 14 against St Kilda. The Cats, not used to the frenetic pace, pressure and, really, the challenge, were shell-shocked and gave the Saints a 5 goal start. But, tellingly, they woke up, and were able to hang 85 points (from 52 inside 50s), in essentially 3 quarters, (on a team that is allowing the fewest points per game since the invention of the ‘out of bounds on the full’ rule) and lost on a last minute, once in a year grab. Is this week’s game as big? Not to the media, but to the club, it should be.

This is it, Bomber. Get angry, play the best team we can play and show us that you’re the real deal. Because the alternative is something I just can’t swallow.

Captain: Coll, Geel, WC, Bris, StK, Syd, Ess, Adel
Season Tally: 95-33

Mrs Watson: Carl, Haw, WC, Bris, WB, Syd, Ess, Adel
Season Tally: One less than Gillard.

(P.S. Love the comments this week. Feel free to drop me a line on Twitter @BigLeagueLittle)

2009-07-16T19:36:00.004+10:00

Rest, Rotate and Ryan Gardiner

(Note: Mrs W is still away, so the Captain is flying solo again, and, yes, I just referred to myself in the third person.)

Let’s get this out of the way: Resting players, or being overly cautious with injuries and recovery, is smart man management. Yes, the 6 goal loss to Brisbane was like looking through a time-portal to 2005, and yes, being exposed to Kane “the-final-insult” Tenace was the undigested corn in the turd sundae served up by The Cats at the Gabba. But make no mistake about it, coming towards the end of the season, having players had the chance to freshen up will be vital; or has everyone already forgotten last year’s finals when half the team was on one leg?

Unfortunately too many sports writers and commentators in this country are stuck with the 1960’s mentality about “flirting with form” and “respecting the game” and other such mythical nonsense. And I hope Lips and his crew don’t react to al the negative, out-dated journalism and rush back all their stars against Melbourne: Brisbane at the Gabba is one thing, the Demons at Skilled is quite another.

Seven changes, or whatever it was, is probably too many, but I say let’s continue with the rotation policy. Paul Chapman, with his history of soft tissue injuries a recent increased workload in the middle, is a prime candidate for a break. Trent West is worth another look, and 1st year man Shane Mumford could surely use the rest. Jimmy Bartel slammed into the goal post and then almost belted someone; maybe he could use a breather. Plus, let’s take an extended look at Hogan, Wojack, Lonergan, Laidler, Gillies, Djerkurra and Gardiner… I mean, Gamble. We may as well, right? Right?

As long as we finish second. That’s the only qualifier I will put on this. And being three games clear of the Dogs, it’s a pretty safe bet that we will. (Just looking ahead, while we’re on the subject, I reckon 2nd spot will be a better finish for Geelong for a couple of reasons: First, I’d rather play the Dogs in the first final, with a 2nd chance, and second, if Geelong wins they get the Saturday day-time Prelim, thus avoiding the bogey Friday night game.)

All in all, the past two weeks have probably been a good thing for Geelong. It’s reinforced a few things that we probably already knew, namely that we need Otto back, we need Ling to tag the oppositions best player, Scarlett is maybe our second most indispensable player after Mooney, and, increasingly like my hairline, we’re a bit thin down back. (The one thing that has surprised me is how much we miss Josh Hunt.)

The next seven weeks is important for all teams, be it building a run into September or rebuilding Brad Ottens’ knee, $6 million man-style. St Kilda are going to field the same team every week, Geelong will rest, rotate and hopefully arrive in September fresh and hungry.

So rest, rotate and get yourselves cherry ripe for the next 2 and a bit months. It’s the business end, boys and girls.

Captain: WB, Carl, Gee, Bris, Haw, PA, NM, StK
Season Tally: 87-33

Mrs Watson: Is probably drunk somewhere in Illinois.
Season Tally: 78-42

(And don’t forget The Captain on Twitter @BigLeagueLittle)

2009-07-09T22:08:00.002+10:00

Round 15: Watto & Otto MIA, or, Thank God for Jimmy

So, it looks like it’s just us again… for a couple of weeks, anyway. (Mrs Watson is currently stateside, undergoing the same rigorous training as Nathan Buckley recently completed at Notre Dame, in the hopes of landing one the vacant coaching positions. Having had a look at both lists, the off-field structures, facilities and support staff, I can let you in on a little secret; Mrs W wouldn’t go near Richmond with a pole the length of Michael Gale’s ponytail.)

The Cats have made four changes this week, losing Ling, Scarlett, Milburn and Kelly to injury, and bringing in Gamble, Lonergan, Wojcinski and debutant Tom Gillies. The wraps on Gillies are that he’s a stout defender in the Scarlett mould, and following in Matty’s lead, Tom hasn’t exactly been blessed in the looks department. And good! We don’t want no pretty boy full-backs! Look at the great full-backs of history, all of them hideous. Anyone watch those footy flashbacks on Channel 7? Check out some of the games from the ‘80s, plenty of good, old-fashioned, honest, ugly as sin footballers. There were none of your Jason Gram-types back then: Peroxide was used for cleaning, wax was for your surfboard and a solarium was an unknown, futuristic device assumed to be for the purpose of space travel. That’s the kind of player we need down back! No gloves, no designer stubble, just an ugly, angry man with one fist on the ball and one up the ass of his opponent! It’s probably out of necessity, but it’s a good time to bring him in; get him some exposure to the big time and on some good players (he might spend some time on Dallas Bradshaw) and have him ready should another one of our suddenly brittle tall defenders go down. Also good to see Wojack back; he’s a bit like Max Rooke in that he’s not going to get 30 touches a game, or kick 5 goals, but he brings something few AFL players have and as such his impact is felt with only a few key contributions. Gamble also gets another go and, although he has plenty of fans, he’s about three more average AFL games away from me making several Charlie Gardiner jokes.

Where is Hatchet Hawkins at? If Mrs Watson had a say he’d be in Bendigo this weekend. It’s times like this that Nablett’s laconic mediocrity looks relatively intense by comparison. If this was Round 7 or 8, I’d say let’s try another combination, but it’s almost too late in the season to drop him. Lips Thompson seems to have his favourites and he sticks with them. Although, given the turn around of Shannon ‘Brownlow’ Byrnes, maybe we should trust Lips’ perseverance. Or rock up to the Gold Coast with a(nother) bag full of cash for Nath.

But besides a physically ailing backline, a mentally crumbling forward line and a number one ruckman whose knee is taking longer to heal than Fidel Castro’s gout, Jimmy Bartel played his best game for the year in the biggest game of the year. Don't worry, everything’s fine.

Captain: WB, Syd, Carl, Gee, Adel, Haw, PA, StK
Season Tally: 83-29

Mrs Watson: WB, Syd, Rich, Gee, Adel, Haw, PA, StK
Season Tally: 75-37

(And don’t forget The Captain on Twitter @BigLeagueLittle)

2009-07-07T17:58:00.003+10:00

Twitter: A few quick notes

Yes, as the title suggests, The Captain has joined the most useless of internet apps, twitter! And all for the sake of you, the loyal readers, who need more of me than the usual, diminishing weekly returns. Check me out @BigLeagueLittle and I'll tweet you good and proper, you rotters!

Now, a few notes on the game before Mrs Watson adds his thoughts later in the week...

The Contest
Terrific, just terrific. Both teams going hard, the pace frenetic, the crowd rowdy and the pressure unbearable; for the Cats in the first 10 minutes, anyway. StKilda's tackling pressure in the opening term was unbelievable and Geelong looked nervous and slightly rattled. They stood up though, eventually, grinding their way back into the game. Great to get some practise at a finals level game. Interesting to note Geelong won 18 more hardballs, easily the Saints worst result thus far.

The Hero
Gardiner, who has not, and never will, play another game like that in his life. Huuuuuuge grab in the dying minutes to KO Harry and the Cats.

The Villian
I reckon Tom Harley was fairly ordinary; turned it over early, got beaten a few times by his direct opponent and didn't get over as third man up to effect enough contests. (It just gets boring blaming Mark 'Silkworm' Blake)

The X-Factor
Was sitting in the stands, probably fit enough to play. Leaving Dog Johnson out was a complete mind-game from Lips and the gang.

Next Time
Tighten up on Sam Fisher and Sam Gilbert, release Brad Ottens from the boot of Mark Blake's commodore, play Mooney at CHF, figure out the advantage rule, give Chapman and Ablett time at FF, start Jimmy in the centre bounces, hope Michael Gardiner's deal with the Devil has expired and then see how the Saints handle the wider, more spacious MCG (on which they've played one game this year)... Oh, and try not to give 'em a 5-goal start.

Thoughts on the game, folks?

And don't forget the all new twitter @BigLeagueLittle

2009-07-01T22:57:00.005+10:00

Round 14: Better By Sunday

Collingwood v Essendon
Captain: Collingwood are finally in form, as good a recent record against the Cats as anyone and a chance of finishing fourth; an intriguing prospect come September? I don’t think so. This team had more mirages than the Simpson Desert. As for Essendon, I’m sick of thinking about them at all, so I’ll just hate them like I used to.

Mrs Watson: Ok, a maths question: a team can only beat the teams that are put in front of it (see 2007 Grand Final). Collingwood have only beaten shit teams. Essendon is a shit team. Will Collingwood win? Yes.

Melbourne v West Coast
Captain: For a schoolkid playing his second game, Jack Watts is copping an absurd amount of criticism. I know we live in an immediate gratification society and all, but geez, is patience in that short a supply? Now, in complete contradiction, how good was Natunui? He had done nothing all night and then bobbed up with three last quarter goals to bury the reigning premiers! He’s the anti-Roughead!

Mrs Watson: Gold! Yeah, this Natunui character is going to be pretty good – especially when he improves his bouncing skills. One awesome goal and two pretty shabby looking passages that somehow led to full scores. Good on him though, I fully support anyone who’s made a fool out of Hawthorn this year. I’m going to go for West Coast here, and won’t be tipping Melbourne anytime soon.

Port Adelaide v Brisbane
Captain: Port Adelaide remind me of the United States about 12 months ago; dip-shit leader with an over-inflated sense of self, an economy about to shit itself and hated by the rest of the world.

Mrs Watson: Makes me wonder who Port’s next coach will be. Terry Wallace? Loves a speech, could convince almost anyone of anything, and certainly has the darkest skin of any AFL coach. Brisbane.

Richmond v Adelaide
Captain: Seeing as though you’ve already squeezed in a shot at Terry, and that you refuse to comment on Adelaide games anymore, I’ll just tip the Crows for the both of us, shall I?

Western Bulldogs v Hawthorn
Captain: Do you realise that without my blind, masochistic tipping of Hawthorn all year I would have correctly tipped every single game for the entire season?*

*May not actually be correct

Mrs Watson: This’ll be a pretty good game. With all the bullshit surrounding Sunday’s game, I didn’t even realise this was happening. Now, let me see... I tipped WC against Hawthorn last week, so what reason do I have to think they’ll beat WB? Well, for a start, Hawthorn’s awesome backmen are starting to retu.............. Bulldogs.

Sydney v North Melbourne
Captain: What’s wrong with Barry Hall? Seriously, if you can’t make it through two hours of the afternoon without punching someone in the face then maybe you have bigger problems than the three year “form slump” you’re in. I wish this prick would start boxing so a few people can smack him back. Who knows who wins this fucking game.

Mrs Watson: Sydney to win this one very easily without Hall, Captain. They have a tendency to do so... which makes Barry’s impending retirement almost as boring as Michael O'Loughlin’s.

Fremantle v Carlton
Captain: Boooooooooooor-riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

Mrs Watson: Captain, can you remind me to trade Pavlich before Friday? Carlton.

St Kilda v Geelong
Captain: I reckon the Saints are travelling a bit better than the Cats, Mrs W, but I can see this happening one of two ways; a) it’s the battle royale everyone has been waiting and hoping for - an epic arm wrestle that is tight until the last 5 minutes, when someone will kick consecutive goals and break the record for pump fists, or, b) The Cats win by 40. Thoughts? Key match-ups? Problems?

Mrs Watson: I agree the Saints are playing waaaay better than the Cats right now, but I think the Cats don't mind if that is the perception. The question I keep asking myself is... will the Cats flex some muscle here? Ideally, I'd obviously love a wake up call to the Saints, but I truly don't believe that will happen. I do think that whoever wins this will go into the Grand Final with a lot of confidence. But confidence, as we know, doesn't kick goals on Grand Final day, and I'm sort of hoping that if we're lucky enough to get there, we might already have a cross against us. Saints.

Captain: That’s a real coin flip, isn’t it? Confidence or the wake-up call? Did we learn from last year? Did Thompson? Are we different? Are we facing a different team? Will we be closer to knowing by Sunday evening? I don’t think so, but I am looking forward to the pressure cooker atmosphere, and to seeing who responds and who doesn’t. We all want the questions of ’08 put to bed and the promise of ’09 to be real. The best we’ll get, however, is another Geelong victory.

Captain: Coll, WC, Bris, Adel, WB, Syd, Carl, Geel.

Season Tally: 78-26

Mrs Watson: Coll, WC, Bris, Adel, WB, Syd, Carl, StK

Season Tally: 69-35

2009-06-25T21:36:00.003+10:00

Shannon Byrnes: A tribute

We will be taking a week's silence in tribute to Shannon "I-kicked-five-fucking-goals!" Byrnes.

The little bastard has been valuable this year and his five straight against Freo was probably his best game for the club and a match-winning performance. Unbelievable.

I need some time to re-think some things...

Captain's tips: Carl, Coll, Adel, Haw, Bris, Geel, WB, StK

Season Tally: 72-24

2009-06-17T18:41:00.006+10:00

Round 12 (Part 2): Mailbag, Special Colour Edition!

Captain: Well the remaining seven Big League readers certainly didn’t let us down; a proverbial mixed bag from the usual suspects. Let’s get into a select range of questions, dedicated to the memory of Peggy Benjamin.

Will Jade Rawlings deeply regret dropping Bowden?
Captain: (Sniggering…) But seriously, with Terry gone, Bowden dropped, Nathan Brown already angling for a media career and Richo’s hamstring still on the MCG half-forward flank, Tigers supporters, today is the first day of the rest of your lives.

To continue the 'Jade' motif, on the thank-fuck-we-didn't-sign-him-scale, where does Jade Rawlings rate? Is it an 8.7 or an 8.95?
Captain: Somewhere between Brett Spinks and Mitchell White. The only guy I thought we could have gone after harder was Daniel Bradshaw; mainly because Mrs Watson and I never got to use the nickname we gave to him, ‘Dallas’.

Does 'snazzy' get a mention in any other movies or just the piece of crap from last week’s blog?
Captain: No other movies whatsoever. But speaking of snazzy (and of crap) I’d like to take this opportunity to officially thank odeyone for contributing the comic strip featured on this week’s blog. Terry, your turd-sandwich is in the mail.

Mark Blake and Shane Mumford stand blindfolded in front of you and you have to shoot one of them between the eyes, the other is the no. 2 ruckman.
Mrs Watson: They're both average - I don't really think it would make a huge difference either way. But if I have to choose... shoot Mumford, keep Blake. While drunk, I payed good money for a Silkworm badge a few years ago and I'd hate to have to fork out another fiver for the Mumford version.

Vegas or Beans Lonergan?
Mrs Watson: This is like choosing team mates for LeBron James - as above, just throw either one of these clowns in there, it won't really matter. I'd shoot Lonergan though, mainly because he wears one of those ridiculous gloves (as if he wasn't soft enough already).

Robert Walls or Quartermain?
Mrs Watson: Hey Captain, I'll shoot one, you shoot the other. Let's take out both these assholes.

Captain: Mumford, Gamble and Quartermain… And if you’re wondering if they’re the three who get shot or the three who survive, well, so am I.

Most over rated player in the league?
Mrs Watson: I would have to say that all this talk about Eddy Betts is fairly ridiculous, and a year or so ago I would have probably said Roughead. I'm pretty sure no-one rates Deledio or Griffin anymore, so they're out also. Adam Goodes is always my obvious choice, but for the sake of introducing someone new to this argument, how about....Scott Pendlebury? Almost every football commentator loves this guy. While I must admit he's handy in a Dream Team, his influence on each game seems outrageously exaggerated to me.

Captain: Tough one. About 2 weeks ago I would have completely agreed with you Mrs W, but having watched him more closely the past few games, I’ll reserve judgement for a while longer. I will nominate one of his team-mates, however; Heath Shaw. Runners up include Andrew Embley, Daniel Wells, Essendon and Hawthorn’s mysterious injury list – who do they think is coming back, Dermott Fucking Brereton?

One especially for Mrs Watson: some have suggested recently that Joel Selwood is a great player because he is in a great side, made to look good by a classy midfield around him and that he gets a lot of easy ball handed to him as a result. Comments?
Mrs Watson: I have never truly agreed with the line of thinking that suggests average players in good teams are made to look better than they are, but it's hard to argue with Daniel Kerr and Des Headland, isn't it? Time will tell in Selwood's case, I think, but there seems to be more to his game than that which is immediately influenced by the midfielders around him. Whether or not he'll stick around long enough for us to find out, I'm not all that confident.

Tom Harley, Dasher Milburn: 2010 or not?
Captain: Short answer; yes to Harley, no to Dasher.

Re Mrs Watson's profile pic, is that when he became a potty mouth?
Mrs Watson: Actually no. I once kissed a trucker while hitch hiking home from Colac, and my vocabulary has never been the same since.

What do you two boys do for a living?
Mrs Watson: Not much. In 1981, my father wrote Abracadabra for The Steve Miller Band and our family has been living off the royalties ever since. When required, I proof read for Nick Hornby, but I spend most of my days deconstructing A-Team episodes and eating ham sandwiches.

Captain: Who do you think makes the sandwiches?

Best commentator?
Captain: Well, my favourite commentary combo has always been the old Channel 9, and current Triple M, box of Brayshaw, Lyon and Brian Taylor (and Spud Frawley, especially when they all hang shit on him). But since it is impossible to synch up TV vision with radio commentary these days, I assume you mean television commentators, of which, the current best is none other than Nathan Buckley.

Mrs Watson: Ok, so... technically, Malcolm Blight is more of a special comments guy, but you have to admit his comments are generally terrifically fucking random. I mean, you could pretty much play his comments over any episode of M*A*S*H and they'd make just as much sense as they do over a Hawks v Demons game. Sort of makes sense that he and Gary Senior could communicate.

If you could get 3 players from any other club besides Hawthorn to replace 3 players at the Cats, who would they be and who would you cut?
Captain: Jon Brown. Jon Brown. Jon Brown. And Brisbane could take whoever they liked, plus as much of Geelong’s finest weed as they could fit in a Brisbane Lions kit bag. (Although Pavlich would look VERY good in the hoops too.)

Creation or evolution?
Captain: I come from a town where ‘God’ was a balding full-forward with social anxiety disorder and a penchant for methamphetamine and teenage girls.

Who is the Captain's new bitch now that Coppertone Terry is no more?
Captain: I might have to turn my comedy flame-thrower back onto Mark ‘Choco’ Willaims. Notice how quiet he’s been since Port Adelaide returned to the mirage that they always were? Do you think he’d take the Richmond job? Here’s hoping…

I'm four episodes into Flight of the Conchords season two. Do I continue or is the rest just as lazy?
Mrs Watson: I freakin' loved Season One, but I'll be honest with you, Season Two has very few truly great moments - no "tooth brush fence", for instance. And you're right, it's lazy like a post-premiership Hawthorn. They had an outstanding season, surprised a lot of people, and have served up shit salad ever since. I'd keep watching though, cause every now and then they'll bob up to remind you how great they were. And even at it's worst, it's better than the Mighty Doosh.

Who would you rather root? Jennifer Hawkins or Megan Gale? Joel Corey or Corey Enright? Jo Hall or Jennifer Keyte? Arancha Sanchez Vicario or Ameli Mauresmo? Dame Edna or Mrs Doubtfire? Oprah or Dr Phil?
Captain: Hawkins, Enright, Keyte, Mauresmo, Edna and whoever promises me the most alimony/biggest book deal.

Mrs Watson: Megan Gale. Corey Enright, he’s dreamy. Jennifer Keyte. I'm going with Mauresmo, but only because more recently manufactured razors promise a smoother shave. I feel sick and refuse to choose.

Who should Ablett Jnr impregnate with his super sperm so the dynasty continues? Do you have any fears that his sperm might be super elusive and be able to evade the egg with a couple of ‘don't argues’ and a shake of the hips, rendering the dynasty over?
Captain: Does that mean Nathan Ablett’s sperm would jog halfway down the fallopian tubes and then give up?

Will Hawkins ever make it?
Captain: He’s on the right track. Will ever be a Plugger type of player? Nope. He lacks that killer instinct that you either have or you don’t. At worst he’ll play 150 games.

Who will leave to go and play on the gold coast?
Mrs Watson: If they were playing next year, I think we'd only lose Selwood.

Is Julia Gillard a man?
Mrs Watson: Yes.

Is the Geelong Addy edited and proof-read by an infinite number of monkeys typing on an infinite number of typewriters?
Mrs Watson: No. The Geelong Fucking Advertiser is neither proof read, nor edited. At all. In any way.

The night my mate got his 'brown wings' was during a three-way with some random Polynesian bird. The fact that he was the 'second man' in undoubtedly 'tainted' the experience. Is there a footballing equivalent? Winning the Brownlow a year after some Bulldogs hack?
Mrs Watson: The way I look at it, being the 'second man in' means you get less shit on your dick, and that's a good thing. Your mate should feel secure in the fact that someone went the mop and bucket on those Polynesian tiles before he moved in. So if we think about the footballing equivalent, perhaps it's like Geelong playing Richmond five days after the Tigers are bashed by Hawthorn in Darwin (I don't really know how to put this nicely): The Tigers were always going to get fucked in the ass, but this way, our midfielders won't have to get their jumpers dirty.

Captain: Yup, these are my readers (and co-blogger).

Captain: Syd, Ess, Geel
Season Tally: 67-21

Mrs Watson: Coll, Ess, Geel
Season Tally: 56-32

Julia Gillard may have balls.
Season Tally: 56-32

2009-06-11T19:43:00.005+10:00

Round 12: Mailbag Time!

Back, by popular demand, the ever-entertaining, all-informative, never-ripped-off, Big League mailbag! And what better time of year to do it than the split round. And besides, how else am I going to fill my time without my weekly Corey Enright fix?

Excitingly, and a little nervously, I would like to welcome Mrs Watson onboard this time around. And he is ready for you to fire some curly ones at him: Being the incredible Australian that he is, Mrs W told me that he's quite willing to answer personal questions, unlike that Aussie imposter, wannabe Frenchman, Ian Thorpe, who is just 'good friends' with the 16 year-old Cuban rent boy staying in his bungalow. Come clean, Ian! No-one gives a shit; this isn't the 70's where Freddy Mercury was so in the closet that he was reduced to making film clips where he waltzed around in drag, singing, "I want to break free" and still no-one thought the dude was gay. This is 2009, get amongst it, Thorpey! You're a 6'5", 20-something, millionaire male with his own aftershave line and a $4000 haircut; if you can't get laid, what fucking hope do we have?! Wait, where was I?

Ah yes, real questions from real readers. Let em rip in the comments and we'll get back to you before the second half of the split round.

Captain: StK, WB, WC, Haw, Adel
Season Tally: 67-21

Mrs Watson: StK, WB, Rich, Haw, Adel
Season Tally: 56-32

Julia Gillard can't rap!
Season Tally: 56-32

2009-06-04T21:06:00.003+10:00

Round 11: Coughlin’s Law

Since Mrs Watson is a late apology, and I’m completely uninformed about this week’s games, here’s some gambling (or tipping) advice based on one of my favourite running movie themes; “Coughlin’s Law”. That’s right, I’m going to ask you to part with your hard-earned based on a set of laws propounded by a fictional film character who eventually ends up in such massive debt that he kills himself. Good times.

1. Something different is always something better.
There’s always at least one ‘upset’ each round, so don’t be afraid to go against the odds or Mike Sheehan’s awful, awful tipping. Go against teams who have over-inflated expectations, teams who over-performed last season or those who have had a soft run over the last four rounds. And when in doubt, try and imagine Tom Cruise and Bryan Brown arguing about it and take Bryan’s side.

2. Bury the dead they stink up the place.
Stay away from teams who are out of finals contention, they have nothing to play for. This goes double for late in the season when full tank mode is on. Richmond, I’m looking at you. (Speaking of the dead, is there any program in place where registered organ donors could potentially donate a hamstring to Tom Harley? Are we sure this isn’t why Max Rooke went to Germany? Is that why he had to change his name?)

3. Never show surprise, never lose your cool.
Look, the thing about punting (or publishing your tips on a website for all 7 of your international readers to see) is that you’re gonna get some wrong, or, in Mrs Watson’s case, a lot wrong. But what do you do when fall off the horse? (Besides humanely putting it down, grinding it up and making glue) You get right back on that bastard. Stick to your guns. And don’t be fooled by late week media rubbish; you already know who the better team is, so why listen to David Scwharz at 4pm Friday arvo on SEN talk about some late mail he’s just heard? This is the same man who once dropped 20K on a completely random Sydney-to-Hobart yacht and who early last week thought Essendon was “really taking it up to Geelong”.

4. Never tell tales about a woman. No matter how far away she is she’ll always hear you.
Don’t big note yourself when you pull one out your ass. Take it from Terry Wallace, who has just given the most inglorious press conference I’ve ever seen. It was like a grade 4 kid making excuses to the principal; “yeah the buck stops with me BUT what about the recruiters? Yeah, I did most of the recruiting BUT how about those Western Bulldogs that I built? Oh, and who put Matthew Richardson on the wing, huh?” Jesus, Terry, let it go. I’ve heard German prison guards who sounded more convincing.

5. All things end badly, or else they wouldn’t end.
This applies to winning streaks, records, hot gambling runs, any night that involves multiple shots of chartreuse, apparently Tim Rogers’ song-writing ability, Seinfeld, the whole ‘friend’s with benefits’ idea, and, unfortunately, the 2008 AFL finals series. (By the way, what a great line, turned into an instant classic by Bryan Brown’s completely over the top delivery. And while we’re here, do you remember the scene where Tom Cruise gives the “I am the world’s last barman/poet” speech? Has any recent film scene dated worse than that? I mean, I remember cringing a little at the time, but watching it now I keep hoping for Coughlin to pull Tom off the bar and give him the whole, “Maybe you should take it easy, Champ, stop talking for a while” bit. Hell, at least Bryan Brown was drunk for half the film.)

Captain: WB, StK, Bris, PA, Adel, Haw, Geel, Coll.
Season Tally: 60-20

Mrs Watson: WB, StK, Carl, PA, Adel, Haw, WC, Coll.
Season Tally: 49-31

Julia Gillard might as well face it, she’s addicted to love.
Season Tally: 50-30

2009-05-28T19:02:00.004+10:00

Round 10: Tech Support!

Carlton v West Coast
Captain: This season continues to be a battle between the shit and the shitter. I mean, really, besides Geelong and St Kilda, would you be surprised if any other team missed the finals? You could show me a list of the other 14 teams in any order and tell me it’s the ladder and I’d believe you. Having said that, I reckon Carlton is a bit like Brad Haddin; monsters average bowling and gets found out against the top class. The flat-track bully Blues will win this one though, and I reckon Fev might just kick a bag for your Supercoach team.

Mrs Watson: I was just watching Channel Ten's Master Chef, and I realised during tonight's show that I hate the asshole in the hat more than I've ever hated anyone. Point Fev in the direction of his “beer restaurant” and have him urinate in the general direction of the kitchen. When the joke is over, have Chris Judd mop it up. Carlton.

Captain: Like Judd doesn’t have enough to do already.

Mrs Watson: Um....exactly.

Western Bulldogs v Sydney
Captain: The Dogs ran us pretty close Friday night but luckily Brad ‘slipknot’ Johnson was left in charge of finishing the job. The Dogs won the hardball and their small forward line was good for 17 goals. I don’t reckon the Cats were at their best, (more on that later) but it’s good enough for me.

Mrs Watson: Yeah, no brainer... Bulldogs. Captain, why do Sydney refuse to drop Michael O'Loughlin? What is he, like, 75 years old now? He's gone from being just ok, to being kinda shit, to being long in the tooth, to just now being rather invisible. Surely there's someone else playing in the Sydney reserves who's pretty good at doing nothing. Is Henry Playfair still an option? Will we ever stop hanging shit on Henry Playfair? When will these questions stop? Now? Yes.

North Melbourne v Brisbane
Captain: You know what, Brisbane look alright! Vossy can coach; who knew? Plus, North Melbourne are garbage. You know what else, my Dad has a weird thing for ‘Micky Magic’, but then again, he also has a weird thing for Gordon Lightfoot, Nigella Lawson and that old guy who used to play Lenny on Law & Order. Plus, I don't think he knows who Henry Playfair is. So getting back to your original query, I have no bloody idea what I’m talking about.

Mrs Watson: I don't know whether Brisbane's relative mediocrity this year equates to Vossy being a good coach. I would expect a list like his to do exactly what it's been doing: winning at home sometimes. This shouldn't be a problem though.

Fremantle v Richmond
Captain: Do you think this is the week that Terry finally snaps and starts wearing a mask and wandering around the WACA like Tom Cruise wandering around a deserted Manhattan in Vanilla Sky? Open your eyes, Terry, you’re a knob. Fremantle.

Mrs Watson: I'm going to tip Richmond, because let's face it, one of these teams lost to North Melbourne last week, and the other did not make that mistake.

St Kilda v Melbourne
Captain: So, this season I’m adding the Saints to my “never tip Richmond” and “always tip Geelong” corollaries. Here it is: “Always tip St Kilda until they play Geelong and then we’ll see”. Sure, it’s a half-assed rule, but you gotta admit, Mrs W, they look pretty darn good.

Mrs Watson: Wow, don't go out on a limb or anything there, Captain. Always tip the two teams that haven't lost yet, until they play each other? You make me sick. Sorry, that was harsh. I'm at work... it's making me tense. St Kilda.

Captain: Yeah, that was kinda tongue in cheek, but I’ll let it slide; I understand the pressure you’re under, doing, well, whatever the hell it is you do, but tipping Richmond and then questioning my choices is more than throwing stones from a glass house; it’s like flicking matches from a paper mache boat, floating in lake of petrol... Or some such thing. Where were we?

Adelaide v Hawthorn
Mrs. Watson: Like I said last week, I refuse to comment on Adelaide games.

Captain: Hmm. I can’ tip Adelaide on exposed form, but they always seem to go alright against the Hawks. I’m just saying… Ah fuck it, I've said it now. Adelaide.

Essendon v Geelong
Mrs Watson: I never envy the team that has to play Geelong the week after they're nearly beaten, but I wouldn't be surprised in Essendon push the Cats. This smells like one of those games where that Essendon player you've never heard of kicks 5 goals on Andrew Mackie, while Trunks does what he likes, poncing about the wings ala Adam Goodes. I can see it now. Another scary victory.

Captain: Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. And while Andrew Mackie is about as loose as an Amish kid on rumspringer, take it from a Supercoach owner, he hasn’t exactly been tearing it up the other way either. (You’re on fucking notice, Muscles!) Anyway, my theory about the Cats is as follows: Because they played all the way through September they started their pre-season late… which means they’re essentially just finishing it up now… therefore they’re a little tired and seemingly behind teams like St Kilda… and as a result are ripe for the beating around this time of year. Oh, and that hiding that Collingwood gave us last year was in Round 9. So, that a decent bit of rationalising, or what?

Collingwood v Port Adelaide
Mrs Watson: Decent? Yes. But can you rationalise Collingwood winning this one? I can.

Captain: Ooh, a tricky one! Wait, no it’s not. The Collingwood players quit on Mick Malthouse months ago, Port. Oh and before we go, this week’s euphemism, “Giving the full-back a chop-out”.

Captain: Carl, WB, Bris, Freo, StK, Adel, Geel, PA.
Season Tally: 54-18

Mrs Watson: Carl, WB, Bris, Rich, StK, Haw, Geel, Coll.
Season Tally: 42-30

Julia Gillard has had some styling work done.
Season Tally: 44-28

2009-05-21T21:49:00.004+10:00

Round 9: Schrödinger’s Tanning Bed

So close. It was so close, in fact, that it was reported as true. Then they took it back, like so many broken promises, like so many unfulfilled 5-year plans. In the time it took me to cut and paste a picture of a recently fired, particularly solarium-tanned coach, and email it to Mrs Watson, Terry Terrific had escaped the noose once again.

I have spoken to a few of the Tiger faithful and most of them think that Terry’s performance has been up to scratch. They have somehow rationalised that his hiring was not, essentially, a million dollar plus, 5-year mistake. They are still, unbelievably, blind to the fact that he has somehow left a club that has played finals twice in 27 years in worse shape than he found it. They are willing to put up with him for another four months even though every day he stays there is another turd sandwich in the lunchbox of the Richmond Football Club. This is a man who is more concerned with the press-box than the coaches-box; a man who spends more time in the tanning salon than the training track; a man who has, and will, willingly throw 20-year old kids under the bus to save his own skin; look at what he said to Mitch Morton after the Port Adelaide loss – “You’ve just cost me my career” – Not, “You’ve cost us the game”, or “You’ve cost your team-mates a win”. The guy is a snake and, as we’ve been saying here at Big League for about three years, Richmond will never have a chance until he (and Richo) is gone.

I thought about all this in those 15 minutes of “Schrödinger’s Cat” territory, where Terry was both fired and safe. I thought about this and I thought, “Fuck it, I hope they keep him; that would be some hilarious shit”.

Captain: Gee, NM, Adel, WC, Ess, Syd, StK, Haw
Season Tally: 47-17

Mrs Watson: Gee, Fre, Carl, WC, Ess, PA, StK, Haw
Season Tally: 38-26

Julia Gillard once killed a rat with her teeth… No, wait, that was Chuck Norris.
Season Tally: 40-24

2009-05-13T23:03:00.003+10:00

Round 8: Terry Returns to TV

Fremantle v Hawthorn
Captain: Before we start, let me gloat, just a little, about my incredible tipping performance thus far; 40-16, at an average of 5.7 winners a round, as good as money in the bank. And, having said that, I continue to tip Hawthorn, despite them mailing in so many performances that training this week is being conducted by Charlie Sheen. Have I been scarred/fooled by last year?

Mrs Watson: Yes, but who hasn't? I mean, I'm going to tip them again this week despite that fact that I'm absolutely certain they'll lose.

Captain: I think this is what it feels like to be a Richmond supporter.

Melbourne v Western Bulldogs
Captain: Strange season thus far; two really good teams, two awful teams and a lot of average ones. The Dogs have a chance to move up to the good category while the Dees are in weekly danger of losing their rightful No. 1 draft pick to Richmond, who, if they get it, would probably do something ridiculous with it anyway, like draft Kent Kingsley. Oh wait, they already did that.

Mrs Watson: Of course Bulldogs are going to win this. But there's a difference between being a good side and looking like a good side – and beating Melbourne can make any team “look” like a good side. As can beating North Melbourne, Fremantle and West Coast.

Captain: Therefore, conversely, losing to Melbourne can make you look like an asshole. Hey, I’m 3-for-3 on game previews and Richmond insults!

Geelong v North Melbourne
Captain: I’ve missed the past couple of Geelong games, Mrs W, having been reduced to watching highlights on the AFL’s clunky website and listening to SEN’s vanilla commentary. But from the little I’ve seen, heard and read, The Cats are winding up nicely. Any thoughts to share on the Sydney game? How was the KP outer?

Mrs Watson: To be honest...the outer has been a little lacklustre of late. I put it down to the fact that everyone there is 100% sure that Geelong will win. It makes for a stale-ish atmosphere, but I can't have it both ways, I guess. It's still the only ground where you can piss over the back of the stand and gladly assume it's going to hit someone. Cats.

Captain: It is a strange feeling, being a Cats fan at the moment. It’s a bit like following the Australian cricket team a few years ago, when they were handing everybody their asses, inexplicably lost the Ashes to an England team who played out of their minds, and then went back to dishing out ass-whippings. The Cats, winning 48 out the last 51, have just been incredible. I don’t know how much better a football team can get, really. Oh, Geelong will win.

Brisbane v Adelaide
Mrs Watson: Brisbane at home. Is it just me, or are the Crows the epitome of beige? I'm not going to write anything about Adelaide games for the rest of the season.

Captain: I blame Neil Craig and that hideous, hideous city. But wait! I think I’m having one of my trademark funny feelings… Crows to win due to the giddiness of being out of that South Australian Hellhole, if only for the night.

Sydney v West Coast
Captain: Sydney will win. Oh, and Adam Hunter is apparently hanging up the mullet. Since I have nothing else, here’s two long over due taking-a-dump euphemisms: “Attending the Coburg match committee meeting”, and, “prosecuting Rex Hunt”.

Mrs Watson: Yeah, Syders. Wait...Adam Hunter is hanging up the mullet? Did the Ice run out?

Captain: The ice ran out a looooooooong time ago for the Eagles whose next big hope is a Fijian kid with injury problems and a bowl haircut. Not good times.

Port Adelaide v Richmond
Captain: And speaking of coaches in deep shit, I reckon Choco Williams could be right behind Terry Terrific in sniffing around Channel 7’s sphincter for a job next year. And the only way that “could” turns into a “is definitely” is if Port lose to Richmond at home. Power, easily.

Mrs Watson: Agreed. But I'm trying to imagine some of Wallace's expert comments if he gets a gig next to Bruce next year... “{Insert Team Name Here} should really flood in this situation...they should have selected Tambling...let's cross to me at a press conference.”

Captain: Dear God, he’d be unstoppable! Here’s my idea for a footy panel show next year: A ‘musical chairs’ type of set-up where Wallace, Grant Thomas, Blighty, Choco Williams and David Schwarz all make ridiculous statements while Hutchy is trying to deliver serious news about Brendan Fevola’s new boot sponsorship. Wait, we might have another entrant on our hands…

Collingwood v Carlton
Captain: Seriously, the players have completely given up on Mick Malthouse to the point that he’s taking consolatory phone calls from Brendan Nelson. Blues to bounce back.

Mrs Watson: Blues? Magpies. Blues? Magpies. Blues? Magpies. Magpies? Blues. Magpies? Blues. Blues? Yes...Blues. Magpies? No. Blues. Blues.

StKilda v Essendon
Captain: Saints look pretty darn good. Should we be worried yet?

Mrs Watson: I'm going to bed. Saints.

Captain: Haw, WB, Gee, Adel, Syd, Port, Carl, Stk
Season Tally: 40-16

Mrs Watson: Haw, WB, Gee, Bris, Syd, Port, Carl, Stk
Season Tally: 30-26

Julia Gillard did not sleep with Matthew Johns.
Season Tally: 33-23

2009-05-07T22:52:00.003+10:00

Round 7: Poetry in Motion

Essendon v Hawthorn
Mrs. Watson: Hawthorn.

Captain: You’re not even trying, are you? You know, I feel a bit ripped off that after their shaky start, Hawthorn are only 3-3; 1-5 would have been so much more fitting for the Steven Bradbury memorial premiers. And now they’re getting a walk-over against an even shakier team that are fast turning into Richmond 2.0 thanks to the appointment of that lazy-eyed, albino coach who probably has the worst win/loss record of any 200-game AFL player. Where’s the justice?

Richmond v Brisbane
Mrs Watson:
Richmond will lose.
I will wager my own pants,
That Richo won’t return

Captain: Is that Haiku? You’ve been watching too much Walnut, but you're right; it doesn’t look good for the ‘cho. Should we be surprised? Terry Terrific moved him from the goal square to the wing at age 35, I mean, what were they expecting? Just merge already, Richmond, faaaaaaaark.

Geelong v Sydney
Captain: Do Sydney still make you nervous, Mrs W? I remember when the mere sight of those candy-stripe socks would send you into a catatonic state where all you could do was shake your head, chain smoke Stuyvo lights and repeatedly mutter something about Josh Hunt manning up.

Mrs Watson:
Sydney once scared me.
But Cats need now only fear,
Sheer number of sideburns.

Captain: Are you doing this whole thing in haiku form? Great, I’m sharing a blog with Jack Freakin’ Kerouac over here. And I’m still yet to confirm your report that the sideburn ratio in Sydney is ridiculously greater than Melbourne’s.

Kangaroos v Port Adelaide
Captain: It’s no surprise the Kangas are this stinky. We had a run on Arden St last weekend and although the turf there is pretty good, let’s just say I’ve seen better facilities in Turkish prisons. Speaking of Turkish prisons, Port Adelaide is completely unpredictable and I can’t believe I actually clicked, “Yes, I would like to trade for Daniel Motlop in Supercoach”. Having said that, I’m going out on a limb with a North upset.

Mrs Watson:
No chance at all.
Port look like rubbish at times, but
North equal faeces.

Carlton v Fremantle
Captain: Speaking of turd sandwiches, I was able to somehow pick Freo last week but this week I will not be going near them with a 40-foot septic tank hose.

Mrs Watson:
I'll pick a close one,
But Carlton to win, I guess.
Just don't hit the post.

Adelaide v Western Bulldogs
Mrs Watson:
Neil Craig, listen up.
How to beat a Western hoax:
8 goals is enough.

Captain: This Haiku thing is getting confusing, who did you pick here? I’m torn; Adelaide let me down against Port and the Dogs have fallen in heap faster than Trevor Marmalade’s career. Um, Dogs to win away and then tell everyone, ”we’re back on track”.

West Coast v Melbourne
Mrs Watson:
Nothing doing here.
The game you'll forget is being played.
West Coast easily.

Captain: Agreed. But while we’re here, let’s play a game. Choose who looks in the better shape for the next ten years; Melbourne or West Coast. Now, whoever you didn’t pick, halve their expectations, fire their coach, double their members and I believe your card is… Richmond.

Collingwood v StKilda
Captain: Monday night footaball, frickin finally! Bring it on, Hell, bring on Tuesday night football too! Actually, fuck it. Play one game everyday of the week for seven straight months. I would quit my job and do nothing but watch football, drink beer and eventually balloon to retired-Stuart Dew type proportions. Whaddya reckon, W?

Mrs Watson:
Monday night football.
Sure as shit beats Good News Week.
About fucking time.

Captain: Best Haiku ever.

Captain: Haw, Bris, Gee, NM, Carl, WB, WC, Stk
Season Tally: 34-14

Mrs Watson: Haw, Bris, Gee, Port, Carl, Adel, WC, Stk
Season Tally: 26-22

Julia Gillard is from Adelaide.
Season Tally: 28-20

2009-04-30T21:54:00.002+10:00

Dogs, Swine, Walnut & You

Ever the humanitarian, Mrs Watson set off earlier this week on a one man crusade to cure swine flu. Using his network of agents, acquaintances and paid informants, Mrs Watson found a promising lead: A rumour had been circulating that a crazed scientist/farmer, based just outside of Warrnambool, had been fooling around with DNA and cross-breeding, pitting large regional Victorian men against several species of pig, feeding them nothing but Walnuts and surrounding them with posters of Daryl Baldock.

Meanwhile, fuelled by the vacuum left by Glenn Archer, the ranting was going unchecked on Footy Classified, orbiting the realm of self-inflated opinion at such a rate that it was able to circumnavigate the Malcolm Blight system eight times before Craig Hutchinson could blink. Mrs Watson knew something was up and applied pressure in some sensitive places (figuratively speaking). The cracks began to show.

Mrs Watson has not been seen since. But we have his tips. Godspeed, Mrs Watson.

North Melbourne v Collingwood
Mrs Watson: Collingwood
Captain: Collingwood

Hawthorn v Carlton
Mrs Watson: Hawthorn
Captain: Hawthorn

West Coast v Fremantle
Mrs Watson: West Coast
Captain: Fremantle

Brisbane v Essendon
Mrs Watson: Brisbane
Captain: Brisbane

Port Adelaide v Adelaide
Mrs Watson: Port Adelaide
Captain: Adelaide

Sydney v Richmond
Mrs Watson: Sydney
Captain: Sydney

Melbourne v Geelong
Mrs Watson: Geelong
Captain: Geelong

Western Bulldog v StKilda
Mrs Watson: StKilda
Captain: StKilda

Captain: Season Tally: 27-13

Mrs Watson: Season Tally: 19-21

Julia Gillard and her ridiculously large shoulder pads is closing.
Season Tally: 25-15

2009-04-23T20:04:00.003+10:00

Round 5: It's not your fault, Mrs Watson

Port Adelaide v St Kilda
Captain: Yes, the Saints have delivered a couple of floggings, but let’s go over those wins a little more closely, shall we? They just got over Sydney in round one, beat Adelaide at AAMI in round two (admittedly a good win) and then towelled up West Coast and Freo at the dome. Is that really the stuff of premiers, Robert Walls? Does that really make Dal Santo as good as Yablett, James Hird? Seriously Mrs W, what kind of asshole believes the hype?

Mrs Watson: Probably the same assholes that wear denim shorts or buy Evermore records. That's some confusing shit. You're right: there's nothing impressive about thrashing West Coast or Fremantle, but this game could go either way. Saints in a close one.

Essendon v Collingwood
Captain: The ANZAC day tradition continues, minus one key detail: Where’s my fucking public holiday? Sure, the day itself falls on a Saturday, but that’s never stopped us before, just pay it on the Monday! Sheesh! This is something we really need to take up with Julia Gillard otherwise I’m likely to rant about it for the rest of this blog.

Mrs Watson: Chill the fuck out, Captain. Essendon or Collingwood?

Captain: Ummm, Magpies. And just so you know, at this point I’m using a complex mathematical formula pioneered by Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting to pick my winners. I got five last week, by the way, including The Demons. How did you go?

Mrs. Watson: Let's just say that I didn't get them all right, and leave it at that. I think it's cause I'm using the Ben Affleck formula. Collingwood. Easily.

Hawthorn v West Coast
Captain: Speaking of downhill careers, good to see Daniel Kerr is still alive and kicking. And did the Eagles stuff Peter Sumich into a jumper last week or what? They finally found a forward line. But Hawthorn can’t lose again, can they?

Mrs Watson: Probably not this week. But if they keep pissing and moaning about injuries, they just might lose themselves another one. Seriously, if they can't get close to Port Adelaide with Franklin, Hodge and Mitchell, you've got bigger troubles than injuries to your third strings. West Coast have surprised a few this year, so I'd give them a chance at home... but not in Melbourne. Hawks.

Fremantle v Sydney
Captain: Ahh, West Richmond, added to my 'never tip' list about 3 years ago and still paying dividends. Interesting to see Gary ‘Pedro the’ Lyon suggested Pavlich might be better off leaving and may find a home at the Cats! I’d imagine you might collapse if The Pav ever made his way to G-troit.

Mrs Watson: Dude, if the Pav played for Geelong I would lose my shit. But having said that, if it meant Gablett had to play for the Gold Coast, I'd pack my shit up, take a plane to Coolangatta and get a job scrubbing canal scum off some rich prick's boat - just to watch Jnr play on weekends. Sydney.

North Melbourne v Richmond
Captain: On that note, and as the imminent, four-years-in-the-making sacking is almost upon us, I’m going with Chris Jackson’s suggestion for this week’s euphemism: ‘Taking a Terry’. It’s short, catchy, accurate and goddamn it that I didn’t think of it! Hats off, Chris Jackson, wherever you are and whichever one you are. We got a winner, Mrs Watto?

Mrs Watson: Daniel Wells and his pie are looking pretty good this week. But let's not just sack Terry Wallace, let's close the whole freakin' operation down, shall we? It's just not working. Let's move on.

Geelong v Brisbane
Captain: I’d like your thoughts on the Cats this week, Mrs W. Plenty of injuries, which isn’t being talked about, 4-0 and yet to put it together for four quarters. You like what you see?

Mrs Watson: Kinda...it reminds me of last year, actually. Winning ugly until Round 10 and then BAM! we're unstoppable. But, to be honest, if you had a time machine, and you went to the future by somehow utilising this time machine, and then you told me that Geelong were to play in this year's Grand Final, I couldn't really care less about the next 18 rounds of football. 2008 taught me that you can lose to Richmond, then win a Grand Final four weeks later. So do I like what I see? Who knows. Cats.

Captain: (And that, Ladies & Gentleman, is why we wanted Mrs Watson back. Actually, screw it; take this thing the rest of the way, W!)

Western Bulldogs v Carlton
Mrs Watson: There's nothing more satisfying than bursting a blister, and the Carlton puss was well and truly extracted last week. I have no idea how the Bulldogs lost last week, but I don't expect it to happen again this week. At least I hope not... my Supercoach team is starting to very much resemble the entire Bulldogs side. Geez... why do I bother... each… and every... season...

Melbourne v Adelaide:
Mrs Watson: This game is game is an insult to my intelligence. Melbourne. I mean...Adelaide.

Captain: StK, Coll, Haw, Syd, NM, Geel, WB, Adel
Season Tally: 23-9

Mrs Watson: StK, Coll, Haw, Syd, NM, Geel, WB, Adel
Season Tally: 15-17

Julia Gillard owes me a public holiday and $900.
Season Tally: 20-12

2009-04-15T22:13:00.005+10:00

Round 4: Flying Solo

Unfortunately Mrs Watson has been called away on urgent business this week, so I’ll be doing this one Harrison Ford-style, solo! (Sorry, I’m tired and couldn’t come up with a gag related to AFL and/or any film post-1988. Not exactly flying out of the blocks here, but I digress…)

Brisbane v Collingwood
So, at this point of the season Michael Voss is out-coaching Mick Malthouse? That what’s been happening? Are we sure? Collingwood really only seem to have one gear, like one of those guys who nails four pots in the first hour at the pub and spends the rest of the night alternatively throwing up and self-loathing. Actually, they are a bit dysfunctional, Collingwood, aren’t they? It’s like Mick is a hard-ass single parent with 22 sons on parole, asking him for money and loafing around the house: You can tell they need guidance, only Mick’s strict, disciplinarian approach, not to mention his alcohol-fuelled temper, is pushing the kids further and further away when what they really need now is a hug. Why won’t you hug your own children, Mick? WHY? Um… Brisbane.

Sydney v Carlton
The Blues were getting too much press for beating no-one and Sydney beat Hawthorn in between two losses… Hmm… Gotta think this one through, Captain… Could a Swan beat-up a Blue? What is a Blue? A Winfield blue? (If cigarette companies were still allowed to advertise I would have just made Richard Pratt another million dollars right there.) Sydney.

Hawthorn v Port Adelaide
I’m sticking with the Hawks here, and since I have nothing to add, I realise that I forgot the new weekly segment, ‘euphemism for taking a dump’ last week, so I’ll attempt to give you two this week, the first of which is, “dominating the back-half”.

StKilda v Fremantle
In a perfect world, Mark Harvey and Terry Wallace would be forced to exchange faces and fight to the death, just like Nicholas Cage and John Travolta in ‘Face Off’.

Adelaide v Geelong
I like the Cats slowish start to the season: They look a little bit underdone, they’ve got a few injuries, they’ve had some close games, but they’re still winning. Perfect. You don’t want to be flying right now, like StKilda, who will crash about Round 16. The Cats will again do just enough to take the candy. And while we’re here, as a few of you have said, yes Byrnes will probably stay in after a decent game. Yablett has been great, Chapman looks switched on, I’ve liked Trav Varcoe’s work, I reckon Hawkins and The Flying Wojcinski are showing some signs. Plenty of improvement left in the backline too. Good times.

West Coast v Bulldogs
Speaking of peaking too early, Bulldogs.

North Melbourne v Essendon
Who will win? North. This week’s second euphemism? “De-listing Richard Tambling”.

Richmond v Melbourne
I had originally planned another rant about Terry Wallace but we’ve been doing that for four years. So instead I’ll just point out that Richmond has played finals twice since 1983… That’s twice in 26 years… Not even winning a final, just making it… In a league where half the teams play finals… I mean, for Christ’s sake, last year a man gave birth and the Tigers can't finish above half of the league? Yes, fire Terry Walace already. Sheesh!

Captain: Bris, Syd, Haw, StK, Geel, NM, Melb, WB
Season Tally: 18-6

Mrs Watson: Bris, Carl, Haw, StK, Geel, Ess, Rich, WB
Season Tally: 13-11

Julia Gillard has not published her tips yet. Typical.
Season Tally: 17-7

2009-04-09T17:26:00.002+10:00

Round 3: Better Late Than Never

Geelong v Collinwood
Captain: Is last week what you’d call “falling over the line”? Richmond, of all teams, getting that close, at KP… Gaz and Dog Johnson stepped up in the 4th quarter but the Cats seemed out of run. Plus, your BFF Mark Blake continues to disappoint. Any ideas on what’s going wrong and what might go right?

Mrs. Watson: Ease up on Blake. As far as I'm concerned, while Johnson may have stepped up in the final term, his failure to hussle and his general lack of forward pressure in the first three probably played a part in keeping Richmond within striking distance. He was looking fairly pathetic there for a while. I can't really tip Geelong against Collingwood based on last weeks lacklustre performance, but Collingwood don't look great either. I'll go with the TAB. Cats. Hey, do we know how many winners Gillard tipped last week?

Captain: I did like Lips’ 4th quarter plan of “Dog Johnson in the F50, everyone else get the fuck out of the way”, however. As for Blake, I’ll just say I’m looking forward to the Trent “Go” West era, although Shannon Byrnes has also been named as he continues to ransom Lips’ children. Jules got five, which, might I add, was one more than you.

St Kilda v West Coast
Mrs. Watson: Godamn!! Did she pick West Coast to beat Port? Cause if she did, it means she knows nothing. St Kilda easily this week. Captain, can you tell me the exact moment when “Allegedly” Montagna got good? I fell asleep and he was getting 5 touches a game. When I woke up, people were calling him a “midfielder”. Am I still asleep?

Captain: It’s possible, but Wallsy did write his annual “St Kilda could challenge for a flag” article. And I when I say he wrote it, I mean he dusted off the one he’s written each of the past 6 seasons and just deleted the 150 words slamming Grant Thomas. Speaking of Walnut, I hear his nuttiness is beginning to take over Footy Classified. Good times.

Mrs. Watson: Walnut is awesome.

Brisbane v Sydney
Captain: Ummmmmmm… Sydney. Sorry, just had to shake the magic eight-ball.

Mrs. Watson: I'm betting against your eight-ball, because it once told me it liked fucking with you. Brisbane.

Carlton v Essendon
Captain: Say Mrs W, speaking of betting, have you got that 900 bones our fellow tipster Ms Gillard has promised us? Would it be stimulating enough to the economy if we put it all on Carlton here?

Mrs Watson: I think this is exactly the kind of thing she'd like us to do with our $900. But, I'm putting $225 on Carlton to win, and the change on Matthew Lloyd to do fuck all while wearing oversized shorts. Carlton will shit this in.

Port Adelaide v Melbourne
Captain: Melbourne is going to get beaten like Nathan Jones’s Dad. Let’s just move on, shall we?

North Melbourne v Hawthorn
Captain: Is it possible the Hawks start 0-3? Could Alistair Clarkson’s head get any redder? I doubt it, on both accounts. On a side note, let’s parlay our winnings from the Trunks Lloyd bet into a “Matthew Egan / Trent Croad never to play again” double.

Mrs. Watson: What’s the problem with this North Melbourne rubber chicken video? I haven’t seen it myself (only bits and pieces), but all I have to go on is John Barnes’ description of the clip: “The video pictured a rubber chicken with a condom on its head performing sex acts on an uncooked chicken carcass. The carcass was then thrown into a wall and run over with a car tyre.” This video sounds hilarious!! I mean, the concept seems a little bizarre, sure, but is anyone really surprised that this weird shit goes on? Do we really have to watch these douche bags apologise for making a sexually explicit short film starring a rubber chicken? A RUBBER CHICKEN!!!? Jesus, who cares? I bet John Barnes has done some lewd shit in his time, too. That guy has “suss” written all over him. Enough. Kangaroos.

Fremantle v Adelaide
Captain: John Barnes has got a column now? Are we sure it isn’t ghost written, like ‘Crackers’ Keenan’s was? Now there are a couple of intellectual giants, but wait, they’ve got a sliver of a profile, so let’s give them a column. And while we’re at it, here comes The Age to give Gary Lyon 800 words and another outlet to continue blathering his toothless bullshit. The game? Freo will get beaten like Nathan Bock’s girlfriend.

Mrs Watson: Adelaide. Adelaide. Adelaide. No doubt. By the way, am I the only one absolutely loving the demise of Mark Harvey? I mean, I’m enjoying this more than I enjoyed the demise of Chris Connelly, or Jeff Farmer even. Do they even televise Fremantle games anymore?

Captain: For some reason I always envisage Mark Harvey on a TV quiz show, staring blankly into space as the host reels off questions after question. I guess that’s not a good thing for the Dockers.

Western Bulldogs v Richmond
Captain: Do we need to say anything here? I will now watch the Petrol Boy eight times in a row. I’m not even kidding.

Mrs. Watson: Waaaaaaay ahead of you.

Captain: Geel, StK, Syd, Carl, Port, Haw, Adel, WB
Season Tally: 12-4
Mrs W: Geel, StK, Bris, Carl, Port, NM, Adel, WB
Season Tally: 7-9
Julia Gillard: Geel, StK, Bris, Carl, Port, Haw, Adel, WB
Season Tally: 10-6

2009-04-02T13:11:00.009+11:00

Big League vs The ALP

Adelaide v St Kilda
Captain: This is the toughest game of the round to pick, I reckon. On one hand Adelaide surprised Collingwood in Melbourne, and on the other St Kilda beat up a tres’ disappointing Sydney. I’ll have to use my “Neil Craig tie-breaker”.

Mrs Watson: Well, I'm using my “Ross Lyon tie-breaker” here, and also going with Adelaide. Let's move on... Geelong by how many, Captain?

Geelong v Richmond
Captain: Hmm, Skilled Stadium is normally a bit lower scoring than the G or Dome, plus they have that hole in the grand stand that is apparently making the wind unbearable, plus the Tigers will be fired after all the negative press, so approximately 8000 points, with Hatchet kicking 27 goals.

Mrs Watson: Yeah, Richmond should loosen the belt now I say, but IF Hatchet plays, I'll bet you a parmi he won’t kick more than 3. Seriously, when will this tradition of very average Geelong forwards end? Despite our current greatness, our “goal kickers” are invisible. Lonergan… um, to be nice, I'm pretty sure the doctors removed his kidney and took his testicles while they were there. Gamble... no, another mirage. Hatchet... lost. Mooney... Jason.* Who the hell started this thing anyway? Mitchell White? Ronnie Burns? David Mensch?

Captain: Don’t forget the immortal Brett Spinks. Speaking of bets, is this tipping contest for bragging rights only, or is there something on the line? And which celebrity tipster are we going up against?

Mrs Watson: Fifi Box? Is that her real surname? If it is, why hasn't she changed it yet? And if not, why did she change it to Box? And what was her surname at birth? Could it have been worse than Box? I tell you what, if you win this tipping contest, I will change my surname to Box. If I win, you have to change your first name to Fifi. By deed poll. Any other ideas?

Collingwood v Melbourne
Captain: Yeah, how about we just keep it to a chicken dinner? And seeing as though you just used a month’s worth of Fifi Box jokes, how about we measure ourselves against this country’s deputy PM, Ms Julia Gilliard instead? So, getting on with winning this thing, Melbourne has earned the Richmond memorial “tip against them every week” rule. When they finally play the Tiges I’m expecting the MCG to be swallowed by some sort of black hole.

Mrs. Watson: Julia Gillard. Got it! I'm going for Collingwood here, obviously. Hey, did you see our prospective Gold Coast captain, Brent Moloney, had a pearler the other day? I miss 'im. Wait... how many winners did Gillard tip in Round 1?

Carlton v Brisbane
Captain: I’m pretty sure Gillard got 5, and picked very similarly to you, i.e. poorly. Hey, did you know Carlton is the 3rd favourite for the premiership? What a disgrace. All of sudden the AFL has 2 Harlem Globetrotters and 14 Washington Generals. But at least the Globetrotters were open about their cheating, if not their smug sense of self-satisfaction. Wait, which one were Carlton again?

Mrs Watson: I'm tipping Brisbane. Am I serious? Yes. Did I score only 3 correct last round? Shut up. Get off the Carlton wagon already, you moths!! This'll be close.

Sydney v Hawthorn
Captain: How many fucking snipers are on that Hawthorn team? I hope Barry Hall realises that he and the Swans are going nowhere and chooses this week for his farewell “knock out as many of Sam Mitchell’s teeth as possible” game.

Mrs. Watson: Ah, Sam Mitchell. Looks like a cupcake on TV, but when you get up close, he’s actually just a cunt. Hawthorn will bloody win this. Look for Roughead to kick 4 goals in junk time, and then David Schwarz to call him an All Australian. I’m on to you, Jarryd!

Captain: Perhaps we should use this phenomenon for other parts of life, for example, “after half of us had left the pub, he pulled a Roughead shout”.

Essendon v Fremantle
Captain: How can one possibly explain Fremantle? The Richmond of the West?

Mrs Watson: No-one can pretend to understand Fremantle. One can only laugh at their coach, joke about their haircuts, and... wait... what’s that!? Tarrant in the backline? Essendon.

Western Bulldogs v North Melbourne
Mrs Watson: Again... Wells, the pie, Bulldogs.

Captain: What food would it take for you to pick against the Dogs? Say, if you saw Adam Cooney eating one of those monster whoppers? Daniel Cross eating haggis? Brad Johnson eating his own shit?

Mrs Watson: If I saw Brad Johnson diggin’ into his own faeces I’d still tip them against North. I once saw Andrew Mackie polish off a deck of Winfield Blues and it didn’t change my mind about the Cats’ chances. But there’s something about the meat pie. Something that says, “I no longer care about winning. I only care about pies”. The Diet Coke that Wells purchased to accompany the pie didn’t help either. It just made the whole scene weirder.

West Coast v Port Adelaide
Captain: Speaking of shit, this week’s euphemism is “Dropping a spare man into defence”. Port, easily.

Mrs Watson: I concur. Port. Easily.

The Captain: Adel, Gee, Coll, Carl, Haw, Ess, WB, Port
Season tally: 7-1
Mrs Watson: Adel, Gee, Coll, Bris, Haw, Ess, WB, Port
Season tally: 3-5
Julia Gillard tips in the Herald-Sun every Friday
Season Tally: 5-3

*Mrs Watson would like to thank a very good friend of his for the Jason Mooney joke. You know who you are. Mrs Watson has forgotten.

2009-03-25T23:09:00.005+11:00

We're Back, or, The Return of the Dick Joke

Yes, we’re back! There’s only so many times I can watch Luke Darcy squint his way through a completely inane match preview and not want to set myself on fire. So we’re back to provide some much needed insight and colour for the Big League faithful. Thanks to all for the supportive comments, and offers and care-taking, but we started this bastard and we’ll be the ones to ride it into the ground. This time around we’ve come up with a formula that will essentially take the shape of match previews and tipping each week. We’ll keep a tally of our tips, plus those of a yet-to-be-named pissweak celebrity tipster. Boring, yes, but it will keep us sane. And there’ll still be a plethora of bad jokes, cheap shots at Richmond, grounds for possible libel action and a new section titled, “euphemisms for taking a shit”, which is kicking off this week with, “omitting Stuart Dew”. Plus, it's with genuine excitement that I welcome back Mrs Watson, ready to slot straight back in to his foul-mouthed position on Big League’s half-back flank. Questions? Good. Let’s do one.

Richmond v Carlton
Captain: The cup of over-inflated expectations has sold out: Gotta love round one. Let’s see how many fans turn up halfway through the season when Richmond is 3-8 and Brendan Fevola has been arrested for taking a dump on Robert Walls’ doorstep. Oh, and is Ben Cousins playing? I wasn’t sure. Blues by fucking, I don't know, 8 goals.

Mrs Watson: I'm tipping Richmond here, because I've done the sums, and if they don't win this one, there is an excellent chance that the Tigers might finish 10th, and that is unimaginable.

Hawthorn v Geelong
Captain: I’m not ready to talk about these assholes yet. Talk about smug winners. As Rudy from Fat Albert once said, they like a teacher on holidays – no class. Cats to claim a hollow victory.

Mrs: Watson: The sooner you can accept that Grand Final loss Captain, the easier it'll go down when it happens again this round, and every time the Hawks play the Cats until the end of time. Seriously, until THE END OF TIME.

Captain: Well, I’m glad you haven’t lost your optimism.

Collingwood v Adelaide
Captain: Wait, you’re picking against Geelong and you’re picking Richmond? Are you deliberately picking against me? Surely we can agree that Collingwood are primed for their annual March winning streak. Did you see Collingwood’s no. 1 draft pick is named Steele Sidebottom? Are we sure he isn’t a figment of Eddie McGuire’s imagination?

Mrs Watson: Dick, Cox, Goldsack, Wood, and now...yes, Sidebottom. Shit, add a Darren Fellatio and a Simon Fist and you've got something resembling the men's room at the Bended Elbow (“Bended” is not a word by the way, you assholes). But, regardless of the fact that the Collingwood recruiters seem to be playing some sort of practical joke on us, I'm going for the Magpies because, to cut a long story short, the Crows look kinda shit.

Brisbane v West Coast
Mrs Watson: Even without the assistance of Channel 10's NAB Analyser, Michael Voss should get his team over the line against probably the worst team kicking around.

Geelong: Agreed. And since I have nothing to add, Mark Nicovski is the most over-rated player in the AFL, and no-one rates him at all.

St Kilda v Sydney
Captain: Since I don’t care about this game at all, I’d like to thank Channel 9 for adding Grant ‘Walnut’ Thomas to the Footy Classified panel and inadvertently writing the rest of the seasons jokes for me. Um, St Kilda.

Mrs Watson: St Kilda. By the way, if you're like me and love laughing at idiots, check this out. Actually, after seeing that, I retract my tip....Sydney.

Captain: Jesus, I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but it looks like they came straight from the set of a Lady Ga-Ga film clip.

Melbourne v North Melbourne
Mrs Watson: Melbourne, and here's why: I saw Daniel Wells purchasing a meat pie last year and it hasn't sat right with me since. Weird.

Captain: Although it has very little to do with pies, I also have a feeling about Melbourne; a feeling that they’re still shithouse. If North doesn’t win this I will eat Brent Harvey.

Port Adelaide v Essendon
Captain: Geez, we really stacked the good games up the top, didn’t we? Port will pants the Bombers, so here’s a hypothetical about Mark ‘Choco’ Williams instead: if he were to one day coach Geelong, would it be possible to like him?

Mrs Watson: Let me put this simply: no, and I hate you for making me consider it. Asshole. But you're right, Port will destroy the Bombers and probably win a whole lot more games this year. I like them. I like them a lot. And I pray we play them again in this year's Grand Final. Fingers crossed. Wear gloves.

Captain: There it is, folks, the first fisting reference of 2009! Did we all miss Mrs Watson?

Mrs Watson: Actually, that was the second.

Fremantle v Western Bulldogs
Mrs Watson: I'm giving the Bulldogs the benefit of the doubt this week, but I'm predicting a bit of a drop off from last year. It seems to me they got lucky early in 2008 and fell in a right fucking heap late. Did anyone say “hoax”? Yes, I just did. And now it seems Tim Callan is allergic to nuts? Shit, he'd never get a game with Collingwood with an allergy like that.

Captain: Is there a more confusing TV show than Lost? It’s like Mullholland Drive on ice. People who can follow this show should immediately be put to work on the human genome project. Oh, I’m going with the Dogs too; tipping Freo is a sign of insanity.

Not too bad after no pre-season, Mrs W. See ya next Wednesday.

The Captain: Carl, Geel, Coll, Bris, StK, NM, Port, WB.
Season Tally: 0-0

Mrs Watson: Rich, Haw, Coll, Bris, Syd, Melb, Port, WB.
Season Tally: 0-0

2009-02-25T19:36:00.002+11:00

An Open Letter, or, Time For a Beer

Dear all,

First of all, my apologies about the extraordinarily low output over the summer months: Despite having several thoughts about the Australian cricket teams, their selection, their tactics and their future, I was unable to arrange them all into something coherent enough to read. Instead these thoughts will remain forgotten, burped on to the wind at so many drunken barbeques. (As a result of this, I’d also like to extend that apology to anyone who occasionally checked back to Big League and continually witnessed that goofy photo of Andrew McDonald: No-one needs that.) More to the point, however, I think my lack of production speaks to larger problem I’m having.

At many times over the past 3 years I have started, scrapped, adjusted and then rewritten blogs, always managing to squeeze something out; an idea, theory, joke or slanderous accusation. Over the past, almost, 6 months, however, this has not been the case; I appear to have lost my 'voice'.

So, as of today, Big League Little League will officially take a break of indefinite length.

Did the events of last September take it out of me? Perhaps. But I don’t think I’ll know until deeper into the season. I did watch the first NAB Cup game and I have plans to watch the next. I still have the occasional interesting thought about Geelong and the AFL in general and this is not a definite end, but rather a, “wait-and-see” type of situation.

I’d like to encourage everyone interested to sign up for the RSS feed, so if and when we come back, you’ll be notified. And who knows, maybe the NAB Cup sighting of Kane Tenace will inspire the ink to flow. Maybe Mrs Watson will take the reins again. Or maybe Big League will emerge as something completely different.

In the meantime, thanks to all readers, and especially to those who took the time to comment.

Best Wishes,

The Captain